The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.

The table illustrates the ages when workers began to retire on average in six countries according to gender in 2003.

Overall, males tended to work for a more extended period compared to females across the surveyed places, with Korea exhibiting the highest retirement ages. It is also noticeable that the gap between the two sexes in Korea and the US was over a year, as opposed to other countries.

Regarding nations witnessing significant discrepancies between retirement ages of the two genders, American women retained employment until 67 years old and 2 months, exactly 3 years sooner than Korean females. The retirement ages of males in the two places were at least 16 months later.

By contrast, a precisely similar pattern was observed in the figures for Japan and Italy, where men retired at the age of 67 and 4 months, exceeding women’s retirement ages by 7 months. France recorded a similar disparity with males retiring from around 68 years and 8 months, considerably sooner than in other countries. Meanwhile, the second lowest retirement age for men of 64 years and 1 month was reported in Australia, while Australian women at about 8 months earlier.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the ages when workers began to retire" -> "the average ages of retirement"
Explanation: "The average ages of retirement" is a more precise and formal way to describe the data presented in the table, aligning better with academic style.
"males tended to work for a more extended period" -> "males generally worked for a longer period"
Explanation: "Generally worked for a longer period" is more direct and avoids the redundancy of "more extended," enhancing clarity and formality.
"across the surveyed places" -> "across the countries surveyed"
Explanation: "Across the countries surveyed" is more specific and formal, improving the academic tone by clearly indicating the scope of the data.
"It is also noticeable that the gap between the two sexes in Korea and the US was over a year" -> "It is also noteworthy that the gap between the sexes in Korea and the US exceeded one year"
Explanation: "Noteworthy" is more formal than "noticeable," and "exceeded one year" is more precise and formal than "was over a year."
"American women retained employment until 67 years old and 2 months" -> "American women continued working until the age of 67 years and 2 months"
Explanation: "Continued working" is more formal and precise than "retained employment," and specifying "the age of" improves the formality of the statement.
"exactly 3 years sooner" -> "three years earlier"
Explanation: "Three years earlier" is more concise and formal, avoiding the informal tone of "exactly."
"the retirement ages of males in the two places were at least 16 months later" -> "the retirement ages of males in both countries were at least 16 months later"
Explanation: "In both countries" is more specific and formal than "in the two places," and "countries" is more appropriate than "places" in this context.
"a precisely similar pattern" -> "a similar pattern"
Explanation: "A similar pattern" is sufficient and avoids redundancy, maintaining the formal tone.
"men retired at the age of 67 and 4 months" -> "men retired at 67 years and 4 months"
Explanation: Removing "the age of" simplifies the phrase and aligns with the formal style of presenting numerical data.
"considerably sooner than in other countries" -> "significantly earlier than in other countries"
Explanation: "Significantly earlier" is more formal and precise than "considerably sooner," fitting better in an academic context.
"the second lowest retirement age for men of 64 years and 1 month" -> "the second-lowest retirement age for men, at 64 years and 1 month"
Explanation: Adding "at" before "64 years and 1 month" clarifies the relationship between the age and the description, and "second-lowest" is a more precise term than "second lowest."
"Australian women at about 8 months earlier" -> "Australian women, approximately 8 months earlier"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "about," and the addition of a comma improves the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data and highlighting some key features. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends. For example, the essay states that "males tended to work for a more extended period compared to females across the surveyed places," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents some details that are irrelevant or inaccurate, such as the statement that "American women retained employment until 67 years old and 2 months, exactly 3 years sooner than Korean females." This statement is inaccurate because the data shows that American women retired at 64 years and 2 months, while Korean women retired at 67 years and 2 months.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by focusing on the most important information and avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details. For example, the essay could focus on the fact that men generally retire later than women in all six countries. The essay could also provide more specific data to support its claims. For example, the essay could state that the average retirement age for men in the six countries was 66 years and 4 months, while the average retirement age for women was 65 years and 1 month.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively outlines the topic, and the overall summary provides a good overview of the data. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the referencing could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the two places" could be more explicitly defined to enhance clarity. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it does not always follow a logical structure, particularly in the transitions between comparisons of different countries.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of references and ensuring that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smoother. Utilizing a wider range of cohesive devices, while avoiding redundancy, would also strengthen the flow of the essay. Moreover, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically progresses from one idea to the next will help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "discrepancies," "exhibiting," and "retained employment," but there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "a precisely similar pattern" and "significant discrepancies." There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "American women retained employment until 67 years old and 2 months," which could be more clearly expressed. However, these errors do not severely impede communication, allowing the overall message to be understood.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, particularly in using precise terms and phrases. Additionally, focusing on correct collocations and refining sentence structures would enhance clarity. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation will also contribute to a stronger lexical resource. Engaging with a wider range of vocabulary through reading and practice can help in this regard.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. It contains some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, but these do not significantly impede communication. The writer shows an understanding of the task and presents relevant information, although the range of structures used is not as varied or sophisticated as in higher bands.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety of sentence structures, particularly by incorporating more complex sentences and subordinate clauses. Additionally, careful proofreading to minimize grammatical and punctuation errors would enhance clarity and accuracy. Expanding vocabulary and using more precise language can also contribute to a stronger overall performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table illustrates the average ages at which workers retired in six countries, differentiated by gender, in 2003.

Overall, males tended to work for a longer period compared to females across the surveyed countries, with Korea exhibiting the highest retirement ages. It is also noticeable that the gap between the two sexes in Korea and the US was over a year, unlike in other countries.

In terms of nations experiencing significant discrepancies between the retirement ages of the two genders, American women remained in employment until 67 years and 2 months, which is exactly 3 years earlier than Korean females. The retirement ages for males in these two countries were at least 16 months later.

Conversely, a similar pattern was observed in the figures for Japan and Italy, where men retired at the age of 67 years and 4 months, exceeding the retirement ages of women by 7 months. France recorded a comparable disparity, with males retiring at around 68 years and 8 months, considerably earlier than in other countries. Meanwhile, the second lowest retirement age for men, at 64 years and 1 month, was reported in Australia, while Australian women retired approximately 8 months earlier.