The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given line graph compares the usage of electricity by Englands in two seasons, namely winter and summer. What is more, the presented pie chart displays the average contribution of different items that are used by the electricity.
Overall, according to the first graph, electricity services are usually used in winter, especially at the afternoon time. As for electricity usage in summer time, it is used for almost twice less. Moreover, heating apartments and water heating formed the most significant percentage of households expenditure.
To begin with, British people consume around 18,000 units of electricity in the beginning of the day, then the figure declines slowly and remain unchanged for 3 hours, making approximately 15,000 from 3 to 9. In addition, the figure grows gradually and hits a peak at 20,000 at nearly 14 o’clock. Moreover, there are some declines lasting for about 6 hours and in the end of a day it comes to its highest point again (20,000). To contrast, electricity intake is more extensive in a winter season. It starts with around 35,000 and there is a significant drop at 7 o’clock, reaching a lowest point (31,000). After that, there are noticeable increases for 14 hours, by hitting a peak at a bit less than 50,000 and a dramatic fall at the end of a day.
Furthermore, more than a half (52,5%) of electricity consumption is formed by heating services. Whilst, television and electric devices, such as mixers and cleaners form together exactly 30% (15% each), items, namely ovens, kettles and washing machines are responsible for almost 18% (17,5%).

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Englands" -> "England"
Explanation: "Englands" is a possessive form that incorrectly implies ownership of the country. "England" should be used as the proper noun to refer to the country.
"What is more" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "What is more" is a less formal and somewhat colloquial expression. "Furthermore" is more appropriate for academic writing, enhancing the formality and flow of the sentence.
"used by the electricity" -> "used by households"
Explanation: The phrase "used by the electricity" is awkward and unclear. "Used by households" clarifies that the electricity is being consumed by individuals or families, not the electricity itself.
"heating apartments and water heating formed the most significant percentage of households expenditure" -> "heating and water heating accounted for the largest proportion of household expenditure"
Explanation: "Formed" is incorrect in this context; "accounted for" is the correct verb to describe the proportion of expenditure. Also, "households expenditure" should be "household expenditure" for grammatical correctness.
"British people" -> "British households"
Explanation: The term "British people" is vague and imprecise in this context. "British households" specifies the subject more accurately and appropriately in an academic context.
"then the figure declines slowly and remain unchanged for 3 hours" -> "the figure gradually decreases and remains unchanged for three hours"
Explanation: "Declines slowly" is vague; "gradually decreases" is more precise. Also, "3" should be "three" for consistency in style and formality.
"making approximately 15,000 from 3 to 9" -> "resulting in approximately 15,000 units from 3 to 9 pm"
Explanation: "Making" is incorrectly used here; "resulting in" is the correct phrase to describe the outcome of a process. Also, "pm" should be written out as "pm" for clarity and formality.
"there are some declines lasting for about 6 hours" -> "there are several declines lasting for approximately six hours"
Explanation: "Some" is too vague; "several" is more specific and appropriate. Also, "about" should be "approximately" for a more formal tone.
"in the end of a day" -> "at the end of the day"
Explanation: "In the end of a day" is grammatically incorrect. "At the end of the day" is the correct phrase.
"electricity intake is more extensive in a winter season" -> "electricity consumption is greater in the winter season"
Explanation: "Intake" is not the correct term for measuring electricity usage; "consumption" is the appropriate term. Also, "a winter season" should be "the winter season" for grammatical correctness.
"more than a half" -> "more than half"
Explanation: "More than a half" is grammatically incorrect; "more than half" is the correct expression.
"items, namely ovens, kettles and washing machines" -> "appliances such as ovens, kettles, and washing machines"
Explanation: "Items" is too general and informal; "appliances" is more specific and appropriate in this context. Also, the commas should be replaced with semicolons for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the main features of the graphs. It presents a clear overview of the main trends in electricity demand in winter and summer, and it highlights the key features of the pie chart. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features of the graphs, and it includes some irrelevant details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the trends in electricity demand. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the peaks and troughs in electricity demand in winter and summer. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific examples of the key features of the pie chart. For example, the essay could discuss the specific types of appliances that are included in each category of the pie chart.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the writer attempts to compare electricity usage in winter and summer, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between the data presented. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the flow of the essay. Additionally, paragraphing is attempted but not executed logically, as some ideas are jumbled together without clear separation.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and ensuring that each paragraph contains a single main idea. Improving the use of cohesive devices by varying them and ensuring they are used appropriately will help in linking ideas more effectively. Additionally, practicing logical sequencing of information and ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "expenditure" and "consumption," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "usage of electricity by Englands" and "the average contribution of different items that are used by the electricity." There are also some spelling errors, such as "Englands" instead of "English" and "remain unchanged" instead of "remains unchanged." While these errors do not severely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct word forms and collocations. Additionally, reducing spelling errors and improving the overall fluency of vocabulary usage would contribute positively. Incorporating a wider range of synonyms and avoiding repetition can also help to elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. Errors in grammar and punctuation are present, such as "Englands" (should be "English people"), "the afternoon time" (should be "the afternoon"), and "remain unchanged for 3 hours" (should be "remains unchanged"). These errors, while not severely hindering communication, do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase grammatical accuracy: Proofreading for common errors and ensuring subject-verb agreement and correct word forms can enhance clarity.
Expand sentence variety: Incorporating a wider range of complex structures while ensuring they are used accurately will improve the grammatical range.
Enhance punctuation usage: Correct and consistent use of punctuation will help in conveying ideas more clearly and effectively.

By addressing these areas, the essay can move towards a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph compares the usage of electricity by England in two seasons, namely winter and summer. Furthermore, the presented pie chart displays the average contribution of different items that utilize electricity in an English home.

Overall, according to the first graph, electricity services are generally used more in winter, especially during the afternoon. In contrast, electricity usage in summer is nearly half as much. Moreover, heating apartments and water heating account for the most significant percentage of household expenditure.

To begin with, British people consume around 18,000 units of electricity at the beginning of the day, after which the figure declines slowly and remains unchanged for three hours, averaging approximately 15,000 units from 3 to 9 PM. In addition, the figure gradually increases and peaks at 20,000 units at nearly 2 PM. Thereafter, there are some declines lasting for about six hours, and by the end of the day, it reaches its highest point again at 20,000 units. In contrast, electricity intake is more extensive in the winter season. It starts at around 35,000 units, followed by a significant drop at 7 AM, reaching a lowest point of 31,000 units. After that, there are noticeable increases for 14 hours, peaking at just under 50,000 units before a dramatic fall at the end of the day.

Furthermore, more than half (52.5%) of electricity consumption is attributed to heating services. Meanwhile, television and electric devices, such as mixers and vacuum cleaners, together account for exactly 30% (15% each), while items such as ovens, kettles, and washing machines are responsible for almost 18% (17.5%).