the graph below shows the hospital admissions for five hospitals in a European country from 2004 to 2018.

The line graph illustrates the number of admissions that five different hospitals in a particular European country receive weekly from 2004 to 2018. Overall, most of the hospitals experienced an upward trend during this period with the only exception of Oxley hospital.
In 2004, Bardley hospital welcomed 200 patients and the number of admissions continued to increase to approximately 260 patients in 2012. Despite experiencing a slight decrease to 240 weekly admissions between 2012 and 2014, the number of admissions continued to rise again in the following years and eventually reaching its peak at approximately 270 weekly admissions in 2018.
Fortsmith hospital had relatively 170 weekly admissions in 2004 and its numbers experienced a steady rise until the 2010 to 2012 period when it had a sizeable decline from taking in approximately 224 patients weekly in 2010 to having nearly 180 weekly admissions. Despite having an increase in the number of admissions in the following years, its numbers were not able to reach its previous peak in 2010 and eventually landed itself with 200 weekly admissions in 2018.
Stanton was the hospital that took in the least amount of weekly patients in 2004 when it only had approximately 75 admissions. However, the number of people who chose to visit this hospital began to rise in the following years and it even managed to reach 150 patients per week in 2010. Inspite of experiencing a slight fall in during the 2012 and 2014 period, the number of admissions soon rose again in the following years and peaked at 165 weekly admissions, surpassing even the numbers of Oxley hospital.
Adlin hospital was the one that had the most significant change during this period as its initial admissions were second lowest amongst the hospitals, only around 125 weekly admissions in 2004. Remarkably, the number of people who chose to visit this hospital began to soar in the following years and in 2018, Adlin hospital became the second most visited hospital with 250 weekly patients.
Oxley was the only hospital amongst the aforementioned hospitals that experienced a steady decline during this period. It once had the highest number of weekly patients with nearly 250 admissions in 2004. Its numbers then began to decline in the following years with the only exception of rise during the 2006 and 2008 period when the number of patients that this hospital took in per week was around 236 in 2008. After 2008, the number of admissions continued to drop before reaching its bottom in 2018 with only around 120 admissions per week.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise term in academic contexts, emphasizing the visual representation of data more accurately than "illustrates."
"receive weekly" -> "receive per week"
Explanation: "Per week" is more formal and precise in academic writing, aligning better with the context of discussing frequency.
"welcomed" -> "received"
Explanation: "Received" is more appropriate in this context, as "welcomed" carries a connotation of hospitality, which is not relevant to the data being discussed.
"the number of admissions continued to increase" -> "the number of admissions continued to rise"
Explanation: "Rise" is a more common and precise term in academic contexts when discussing increasing trends in data.
"slight decrease" -> "modest decline"
Explanation: "Modest decline" is a more formal and precise term, enhancing the academic tone of the analysis.
"sizeable decline" -> "substantial decline"
Explanation: "Substantial" is a more academically appropriate term for describing significant changes in data.
"taking in" -> "admitting"
Explanation: "Admitting" is more specific and formal, suitable for describing hospital admissions in an academic context.
"landed itself with" -> "ended with"
Explanation: "Landed itself with" is informal and awkward; "ended with" is straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.
"the least amount of weekly patients" -> "the lowest number of weekly patients"
Explanation: "Lowest number" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic descriptions of data trends.
"chose to visit" -> "visited"
Explanation: "Visited" is more direct and formal, avoiding the unnecessary verb "chose," which is less specific in this context.
"Inspite of" -> "Despite"
Explanation: "Despite" is the correct spelling, and it is more commonly used in formal writing to indicate contrast.
"rose again" -> "increased again"
Explanation: "Increased again" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better than "rose again."
"soar" -> "increase significantly"
Explanation: "Soar" is an informal and metaphorical term; "increase significantly" is precise and formal, suitable for academic analysis.
"began to soar" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and avoids the metaphorical "soar," which is less appropriate in academic writing.
"rose during the 2006 and 2008 period" -> "increased during the 2006-2008 period"
Explanation: Using "increased" and specifying the years with a dash (2006-2008) enhances clarity and formality.
"the number of admissions continued to drop" -> "the number of admissions continued to decline"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more formal and precise term for describing downward trends in data.
"its bottom" -> "its lowest point"
Explanation: "Lowest point" is a more formal and clear expression in academic writing, replacing the colloquial "bottom."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "Adlin hospital was the one that had the most significant change during this period as its initial admissions were second lowest amongst the hospitals, only around 125 weekly admissions in 2004." This statement is not accurate, as the essay itself states that Stanton hospital had the lowest number of admissions in 2004.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could provide more specific information about the changes in the number of admissions for each hospital. The essay could also provide more information about the reasons for the changes in the number of admissions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. Each hospital’s data is discussed in a structured manner, with distinct paragraphs dedicated to each hospital, which helps to maintain clarity. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight under-use or mechanical cohesion, particularly in transitions between different hospitals. Overall, the essay presents a clear central topic within each paragraph, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for a more seamless reading experience.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer could enhance the use of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more sophisticated linking phrases would contribute to a more engaging and fluid narrative. Ensuring that all paragraphs clearly connect to the overall theme of the graph could also improve coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the graph. The use of terms such as "upward trend," "slight decrease," and "significant change" indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as "despite experiencing a slight decrease" which could be more clearly expressed, and "Inspite" which should be "In spite." Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and phrasing that detract from the overall fluency.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary further by incorporating more varied and sophisticated lexical items. They should also ensure accuracy in word choice and collocation, as well as pay attention to spelling and grammatical structures. Practicing the use of less common vocabulary in context and proofreading for minor errors can enhance the overall lexical resource of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which indicates good control of grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively uses a mix of simple and complex forms, and while there are some grammatical errors (e.g., "in during the 2012 and 2014 period" should be "during the 2012 to 2014 period"), these do not significantly impede communication. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7, as it shows a good range of grammatical structures with only a few errors.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on minimizing grammatical errors and enhancing the complexity of sentence structures. This can be done by varying sentence beginnings, using more advanced grammatical forms, and ensuring that all sentences are error-free. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation and ensuring clarity in expression will help improve the overall accuracy and range of grammar used in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the number of admissions that five different hospitals in a particular European country received weekly from 2004 to 2018. Overall, most of the hospitals experienced an upward trend during this period, with the only exception being Oxley Hospital.

In 2004, Bardley Hospital welcomed 200 patients, and the number of admissions continued to increase to approximately 260 patients in 2012. Despite experiencing a slight decrease to 240 weekly admissions between 2012 and 2014, the number of admissions rose again in the following years, eventually reaching its peak at approximately 270 weekly admissions in 2018.

Fortsmith Hospital had around 170 weekly admissions in 2004, and its numbers experienced a steady rise until the 2010 to 2012 period, when it faced a significant decline from approximately 224 patients weekly in 2010 to nearly 180 weekly admissions. Although there was an increase in the number of admissions in the following years, it was unable to reach its previous peak in 2010 and ultimately settled at 200 weekly admissions in 2018.

Stanton was the hospital that admitted the least number of patients weekly in 2004, with only approximately 75 admissions. However, the number of people who chose to visit this hospital began to rise in the following years, reaching 150 patients per week in 2010. In spite of experiencing a slight decline during the 2012 to 2014 period, the number of admissions soon increased again, peaking at 165 weekly admissions, surpassing even the numbers of Oxley Hospital.

Adlin Hospital exhibited the most significant change during this period, as its initial admissions were the second lowest among the hospitals, with only around 125 weekly admissions in 2004. Remarkably, the number of patients visiting this hospital began to soar in the following years, and by 2018, Adlin Hospital became the second most visited hospital with 250 weekly patients.

Oxley was the only hospital among the aforementioned that experienced a steady decline during this period. It initially had the highest number of weekly patients, with nearly 250 admissions in 2004. Its numbers then began to decrease in the following years, with the only exception being a rise during the 2006 to 2008 period, when the number of patients admitted weekly was around 236 in 2008. After 2008, the number of admissions continued to drop, reaching its lowest point in 2018 with only around 120 admissions per week.