the graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph illustrates the quantity of different inquiries accepted by the Tourist Information Office in one city through six months in 2011.
Overall, the number of enquiries in person and by telephone had increased in this period, while the customers who approached by letter or mail had decreased.
The customers who connect to the office by themselves increase from around 400 individuals in January to a peak of about 1800 persons in June. The number of individuals who send enquiries by letter or email reached almost 800 in January. It then slightly decreased in the period of two previous months, finally it dropped markedly at roughly 400 and unchanged in June. Besides, the figure contacted the office by telephone reached almost 1000 persons in the first month but fell again by exactly 800 in February. In the second previous month, the statistic was the same number, then going up to a high of 1600 individuals.
The figure of individuals connecting the office through telephone and letter in January were from 790 to 880. In comparison, the rate was halved for those who come in person with 410, the lowest among all methods. However, in the last month, this figure increased dramatically and reached its peak at 1900, which ứa followed closely by those who contacted by telephone (1600 persons). At the same time, there was the shortages of using letter or mail about 390 individuals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates the quantity of different inquiries accepted by the Tourist Information Office in one city through six months in 2011." -> "The graph depicts the number of various inquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in a city over six months in 2011."
Explanation: Replacing "illustrates the quantity of different inquiries accepted" with "depicts the number of various inquiries received" enhances the formality and specificity of the description, aligning it better with academic language standards.
"the customers who approached by letter or mail" -> "those who contacted the office via letter or mail"
Explanation: Changing "the customers who approached by letter or mail" to "those who contacted the office via letter or mail" corrects the grammatical structure and uses a more precise preposition ("via" instead of "by"), which is more appropriate in formal writing.
"The customers who connect to the office by themselves" -> "Individuals who contacted the office directly"
Explanation: Replacing "The customers who connect to the office by themselves" with "Individuals who contacted the office directly" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, making it more formal and precise.
"send enquiries by letter or email" -> "sent inquiries via letter or email"
Explanation: Changing "send enquiries" to "sent inquiries" corrects the verb tense consistency, and replacing "by" with "via" enhances the formality of the preposition used in the context of communication methods.
"Besides, the figure contacted the office by telephone reached almost 1000 persons" -> "Furthermore, the figure of individuals contacting the office by telephone was approximately 1000"
Explanation: Replacing "Besides" with "Furthermore" and changing "the figure contacted the office by telephone reached" to "the figure of individuals contacting the office by telephone was" corrects grammatical errors and improves clarity and formality.
"the statistic was the same number" -> "the statistic remained unchanged"
Explanation: Replacing "the statistic was the same number" with "the statistic remained unchanged" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone of the text.
"going up to a high of 1600 individuals" -> "peaking at 1600 individuals"
Explanation: Changing "going up to a high of" to "peaking at" simplifies and formalizes the language, making it more suitable for an academic context.
"figure of individuals connecting the office through telephone and letter" -> "number of individuals contacting the office via telephone and mail"
Explanation: Replacing "figure of individuals connecting the office through telephone and letter" with "number of individuals contacting the office via telephone and mail" corrects the misuse of "figure" and "through" and uses the correct terminology for communication methods.
"the shortages of using letter or mail" -> "the decline in the use of letter or mail"
Explanation: Replacing "the shortages of using letter or mail" with "the decline in the use of letter or mail" corrects the misuse of "shortages" and clarifies the meaning to better reflect the intended decrease in usage.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay focuses on details rather than providing a clear overview of the main features of the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of enquiries in person and by telephone increased over the six-month period, while the number of enquiries by letter or email decreased. The essay could also highlight the key features of the graph, such as the peak in enquiries in person in June and the decrease in enquiries by letter or email in February. The essay should also avoid irrelevant details, such as the number of individuals who contacted the office by telephone in January.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the writer attempts to describe the trends in the data, the connections between ideas are sometimes unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and occasionally inaccurate, which disrupts the flow of information. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, with some sentences appearing disjointed or repetitive. Overall, the essay does convey some relevant information, but the coherence and cohesion are lacking, resulting in a score of 5.0.

How to improve:

Enhance Logical Flow: Ensure that ideas progress logically from one to the next. This can be achieved by using clear topic sentences and linking phrases that guide the reader through the argument.
Refine Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately, avoiding overuse or mechanical repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the figure," consider synonyms or rephrasing.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Organize the essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a single main idea or comparison. This will help clarify the overall structure and make it easier for the reader to follow.
Clarify References: Use referencing more clearly to avoid ambiguity. For instance, when referring to figures, ensure it is clear which method of inquiry is being discussed.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the graph, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "the customers who connect to the office by themselves"). There are also errors in spelling and word formation (e.g., "the figure contacted the office" should be "the figure for those who contacted the office"). These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are relevant to the context. Additionally, improving accuracy in word choice and collocation, as well as ensuring correct spelling and word formation, will contribute to a clearer and more effective communication of ideas. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they are often inaccurate or poorly constructed. Frequent grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and awkward phrasing, can cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, which further detracts from clarity. Overall, while the main ideas are communicated, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder the effectiveness of the writing.

How to improve:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex and compound sentences, to enhance the overall grammatical range.
Focus on Accuracy: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that all sentences are grammatically correct. Proofreading can help catch errors before final submission.
Use Clearer Phrasing: Aim for clarity in expression by avoiding awkward constructions. Simplifying complex ideas into clearer sentences can improve comprehension.
Practice Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to ensure that commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are used correctly, which will help improve the overall readability of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the quantity of different enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011. Overall, the number of enquiries made in person and by telephone increased during this period, while the number of customers who approached by letter or email decreased.

The number of customers who connected to the office in person rose from around 400 individuals in January to a peak of about 1800 persons in June. The number of individuals who sent enquiries by letter or email reached almost 800 in January. It then slightly decreased over the following two months, before dropping markedly to roughly 400, where it remained unchanged in June. Additionally, the number of individuals who contacted the office by telephone reached almost 1000 in January but fell to exactly 800 in February. In the following month, the figure remained the same, before rising to a high of 1600 individuals.

The number of individuals connecting with the office by telephone and letter in January ranged from 790 to 880. In comparison, the figure for those who came in person was halved to 410, the lowest among all methods. However, in the final month, this figure increased dramatically to reach its peak at 1900, closely followed by those who contacted by telephone (1600 persons). At the same time, there was a decline in the use of letter or email, with about 390 individuals.