The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in
one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The diagram depicts the amount of inquiries sent to the Tourist Information Office over a six-month period between January and June. Overall, sending in person and by telephone seems to have an upward trend while sending by letter or email experience the otherwise.
Starting at a low point of about 400 in January, enquiries received in person witnessed a steady increase before stopping at a peak of approximately 1900 in June. Similarly, enquiries sent by telephone also inclined throughout the six-month period. However, the telephone method had a higher starting point of about 900. Subsequently, there was a mild drop from 900 to 800 from January and February respectively. From March to April, it can be seen that telephoning levelled off at 1000 before continuing to increase and stopped at a high of 1600 in June.
Regarding the letter/email way, it can be seen that it was the second most popular before being the least used in the middle of February and March. Afterwards, lettering/emailing (syn to levelled off) after experiencing a decrease from 700 in March to below 400 in May.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"sending in person and by telephone seems to have an upward trend while sending by letter or email experience the otherwise" -> "Enquiries made in person and via telephone show an upward trend, whereas those sent by letter or email experience the opposite."
Explanation: "Sending" is replaced with "enquiries made" for clarity and precision. "Experience" is replaced with "the opposite" for conciseness and to avoid repetition of "upward trend."
"enquiries received in person witnessed a steady increase" -> "Enquiries received in person experienced a steady increase"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is replaced with "experienced" for consistency in language and to avoid redundancy with "received."
"However, the telephone method had a higher starting point" -> "However, the telephone method commenced with a higher starting point"
Explanation: "Starting point" is replaced with "commenced" for variation in language and to avoid repetition.
"Subsequently, there was a mild drop" -> "Subsequently, there was a slight decline"
Explanation: "Mild drop" is replaced with "slight decline" for precision and to avoid ambiguity.
"telephoning levelled off at 1000" -> "telephoning plateaued at 1000"
Explanation: "Levelled off" is replaced with "plateaued" for variety and to convey the idea of reaching a stable point.
"Regarding the letter/email way" -> "Regarding correspondence via letter/email"
Explanation: "Letter/email way" is replaced with "correspondence via letter/email" for clarity and formality.
"it was the second most popular before being the least used" -> "it ranked as the second most popular before becoming the least utilized"
Explanation: "Before being" is replaced with "before becoming" for smoother flow and to maintain parallel structure.
"Afterwards, lettering/emailing (syn to levelled off)" -> "Subsequently, correspondence via letter/email (synonymous with plateaued)"
Explanation: "Lettering/emailing" is replaced with "correspondence via letter/email" for clarity. "Syn to" is replaced with "synonymous with" for correctness, and "levelled off" is replaced with "plateaued" for variation.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

[
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data presented in the graph. It clearly identifies the key features such as the trends in inquiries received in person, by telephone, and by letter/email over the six-month period. The essay effectively describes the upward trend in inquiries received in person and by telephone, as well as the downward trend in inquiries received by letter/email.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could further extend the analysis by providing more precise numerical data where possible. Additionally, ensuring clearer transitions between the different trends and months would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a generally coherent manner with a clear overall progression. It effectively presents the data and trends over the six-month period. Cohesive devices are used, though there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as unclear referencing and mechanical use of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is somewhat logical but could be improved for better clarity and organization.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that referencing within and between sentences is clearer and more consistent. Use cohesive devices more naturally and avoid mechanical usage. Additionally, focus on logical paragraphing to enhance the overall organization and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating terms such as "depicts," "enquiries," "steady increase," "inclined," and "levelled off." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "witnessed" and "experience," although some inaccuracies are present in word choice and collocation, as seen in phrases like "the telephone method had a higher starting point" which could be expressed more precisely. Additionally, there are errors in word formation, such as "lettering/emailing" instead of "letter/email." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary. Instead of repetitive phrases like "starting point," consider alternatives like "initial figure" or "commencement level." Also, pay attention to word formation and ensure accuracy in constructing phrases and expressions to convey ideas effectively. Finally, strive for greater clarity and precision in word choice to elevate the sophistication of language use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay provided demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures as outlined in the Band 6 descriptor. While the writer attempts to describe data trends and details effectively, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that could potentially confuse the reader but generally do not hinder overall understanding. Errors such as "sending by letter or email experience the otherwise" and "lettering/emailing (syn to levelled off)" suggest a misunderstanding of correct verb forms and phrase constructions. However, these errors do not largely obstruct the communication of the main ideas, fitting the criteria for a Band 6 score.

How to improve:
To elevate the band score, the writer should focus on refining their use of complex sentence structures to ensure accuracy and clarity. Practicing sentence variety and revising grammatical structures in various contexts can help improve the writer’s grammatical range and accuracy. Additionally, more consistent and precise use of terminology relevant to data description, such as "decreased" instead of "experience the otherwise," will enhance the grammatical quality of the essay. Engaging with exercises that target common grammatical mistakes and receiving feedback on written work could be beneficial for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagram illustrates the volume of inquiries received by the Tourist Information Office over a span of six months, from January to June. Notably, there is a discernible upward trend in inquiries made in person and via telephone, whereas those made through letter or email show a contrasting pattern.

Commencing at approximately 400 in January, the number of inquiries made in person steadily rises, culminating at around 1900 in June. Similarly, inquiries conducted via telephone display a consistent upward trajectory over the same period. However, it is noteworthy that telephone inquiries commence at a higher point, approximately 900 in January, before experiencing a slight decline to 800 in February. Subsequently, from March to April, there is a period of stabilization around the 1000 mark, followed by a continued increase, reaching a peak of 1600 in June.

Conversely, inquiries made through letter or email, while initially the second most popular method, gradually decline and become the least utilized method by mid-February and March. Following a decrease from 700 in March to below 400 in May, this method plateaus.