The graph below shows the number of library books read by boys and girls at Starmouth School from 2006 to the present. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparion where relevant.

The graph below shows the number of library books read by boys and girls at Starmouth School from 2006 to the present.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparion where relevant.

The graph shows information about the amount of books read by students in Starmouth School library in the 2009 to 2012 period.
From the graph we can see there’s a big change in book reading at the beginning and in the end.
The boys started off strong with almost 60 books and increased by 20 books each year in two years and reached their peak number at 100.However their peak ended in 2011 with a drop in number afterwards.
Meanwhile the girls which started off weak with just over 20 had increased slightly in 2010 by double. However unlike the boys the girls quickly climbed up in numbers with rocket speed and outstripped the boys after 2011.
Overall, there was an increase of book lovers in Startmounth School. Although the girls start off fewer than the boys, yet in the end they outstrip the boys with their dramatic increase.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph shows information about the amount of books read by students in Starmouth School library" -> "The graph illustrates the number of books read by students in the Starmouth School library"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is more precise and academically appropriate than "shows," and removing "information about" clarifies the statement by specifying what the graph depicts directly.
"there’s a big change" -> "there is a significant change"
Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and precise than "big," which is too colloquial for academic writing.
"started off strong" -> "began strongly"
Explanation: "Begun strongly" is more formal and avoids the idiomatic expression "started off," which is too conversational for academic texts.
"increased by 20 books each year" -> "increased by 20 books annually"
Explanation: "Annually" is more formal and precise than "each year," which is somewhat informal.
"reached their peak number at 100" -> "reached a peak of 100"
Explanation: "A peak of 100" is more concise and formal, avoiding the unnecessary phrase "their peak number."
"However their peak ended in 2011" -> "However, their peak was reached in 2011"
Explanation: "Was reached" is more precise and formal than "ended," which can imply a conclusion or termination, which is not the intended meaning here.
"with a drop in number afterwards" -> "followed by a decline"
Explanation: "Followed by a decline" is more formal and succinct than "with a drop in number afterwards."
"the girls which started off weak" -> "the girls who started weakly"
Explanation: "Who" is the correct relative pronoun here, and "started weakly" is grammatically correct, improving the sentence structure.
"had increased slightly in 2010 by double" -> "increased slightly to double in 2010"
Explanation: "To double" is more grammatically correct and clearer than "by double," which is awkward and incorrect.
"with rocket speed" -> "at a rapid pace"
Explanation: "At a rapid pace" is more formal and precise than "with rocket speed," which is an idiom.
"outstripped the boys" -> "surpassed the boys"
Explanation: "Surpassed" is a more formal synonym for "outstripped," aligning better with academic style.
"Overall, there was an increase of book lovers" -> "Overall, there was an increase in the number of book readers"
Explanation: "In the number of book readers" is more specific and formal than "an increase of book lovers," which is vague and informal.
"Although the girls start off fewer than the boys" -> "Although the girls initially had fewer numbers than the boys"
Explanation: "Initially had fewer numbers" is more precise and formal than "start off fewer," which is colloquial.
"yet in the end they outstrip the boys" -> "yet ultimately surpassed the boys"
Explanation: "Ultimately surpassed" is more formal and precise than "outstrip," which is somewhat informal and less commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that the boys started off strong with almost 60 books and increased by 20 books each year in two years and reached their peak number at 100. However, the essay does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that the girls quickly climbed up in numbers with rocket speed and outstripped the boys after 2011. However, the essay does not provide any specific data to support this claim.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. The essay could also be improved by presenting a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. For example, the essay could state that the number of books read by boys increased steadily from 2009 to 2011, but then decreased in 2012. The essay could also state that the number of books read by girls increased steadily from 2009 to 2012. The essay could also highlight the key features/bullet points, such as the fact that the number of books read by girls was lower than the number of books read by boys in 2009, but that the number of books read by girls was higher than the number of books read by boys in 2012.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the reading habits of boys and girls, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to a somewhat disjointed flow. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with instances of repetition and inaccuracies in referencing. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the ideas do not transition smoothly from one to the next.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on clearer organization of ideas, ensuring each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help in linking sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, improving the logical flow of information will contribute to a more coherent overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the main ideas of the graph, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, such as "increase," "books," and "number." There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "rocket speed" and "outstrip," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, spelling errors (e.g., "Startmounth" instead of "Starmouth") detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items and more precise terms related to the topic. It would be beneficial to avoid repetition and to use synonyms or varied expressions. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and word formation errors would improve clarity and professionalism in the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("had increased slightly in 2010 by double" should be "doubled"), and issues with punctuation (missing spaces after periods). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the overall message. While the essay attempts to convey comparisons and trends, the inaccuracies in grammar and sentence structure hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures, incorporating more complex sentences while ensuring accuracy. Proofreading for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes is essential. Additionally, using varied vocabulary and clearer comparisons will enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the number of library books read by students at Starmouth School from 2009 to 2012.

From the graph, it is evident that there was a significant change in book reading habits at both the beginning and the end of the period. The boys started off strongly, reading nearly 60 books, and increased their total by 20 books each year over the next two years, ultimately reaching a peak of 100 books. However, this peak was recorded in 2011, followed by a decline in the number of books read thereafter.

In contrast, the girls began with a lower figure of just over 20 books but experienced a slight increase in 2010, doubling their total. Unlike the boys, the girls exhibited a rapid increase in their reading numbers, surpassing the boys after 2011.

Overall, there was an increase in the number of book readers at Starmouth School. Although the girls started with fewer books read than the boys, they ultimately outperformed them with their dramatic rise in reading.