The graph below shows the number of university graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The graph below shows the number of university graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
You should write at least 150 words.

The given line graph juxtaposes variations pertaining to the volume of Canadian students who graduated from their universities, classified by genders, during a fifteen-year period, starting from 1992.
From an overall perspective, it is evident that there was un upward trend in the number of university graduates in Canada. In addition, more girl than boy students completed their university programs over the recorded timeframe.
At the outset in 1992, there were roughly 100,000 females graduated from their universities, while the figure for males was stood at approximately 70,000. Over the period of seven years, the data for female university graduates in both two genders witness a fluctuation, ranging from around 100,000 to 105,000. Meanwhile, the figure for males fluctuated from roughly 70,000 to about 80,000 from 1992 to until 2001.
With regard to the second half of the period shown, from 1992 to 2000, the number of females who completed their university programs increased modestly to about 105,000 students, after which it experienced a substantial surge and hit the peak of around 150,000 by the end of the recorded timeframe. Simultaneously, from 2002, the volume of male university graduates climb significantly and reach its cutoff point at about 95,000 in 2007.

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Errors and Improvements:

"juxtaposes variations pertaining to" -> "illustrates fluctuations in"
Explanation: "Juxtaposes variations pertaining to" is unnecessarily wordy and less precise. "Illustrates fluctuations in" succinctly conveys the idea of changes in the volume of university graduates over time.
"From an overall perspective" -> "From an overarching perspective"
Explanation: "From an overall perspective" is commonly used but lacks the specificity and sophistication of "overarching." "Overarching" implies a comprehensive view or perspective.
"un upward trend" -> "an upward trend"
Explanation: "Un" is a typographical error. The correct form is "an" before words starting with a vowel sound.
"In addition, more girl than boy students" -> "Moreover, a greater number of female students than male students"
Explanation: "Girl" and "boy" are informal terms, and "more girl than boy students" is grammatically incorrect. Using "female students" and "male students" maintains formality and clarity.
"the data for female university graduates in both two genders" -> "the number of female university graduates"
Explanation: "Data for female university graduates in both two genders" is redundant and awkward. "The number of female university graduates" is concise and clear.
"the figure for males was stood at" -> "the figure for males stood at"
Explanation: "Was stood at" is grammatically incorrect. "Stood at" is the correct form to indicate a past state or position.
"Over the period of seven years" -> "Over a span of seven years"
Explanation: "Over the period of seven years" is slightly awkward. "Over a span of seven years" is more concise and idiomatic.
"witness a fluctuation" -> "experienced fluctuations"
Explanation: "Witness a fluctuation" lacks specificity. "Experienced fluctuations" accurately describes the changes in the data.
"from roughly 70,000 to about 80,000 from 1992 to until 2001" -> "ranging approximately from 70,000 to about 80,000 between 1992 and 2001"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and awkward. "Ranging approximately from" is more concise, and "between" is used to denote a specific time frame.
"With regard to the second half of the period shown" -> "Regarding the latter half of the depicted period"
Explanation: "With regard to" is slightly formal and can be replaced with "Regarding" for brevity. "Latter half" is a more precise term than "second half."
"the volume of male university graduates climb significantly" -> "the number of male university graduates increased significantly"
Explanation: "Volume" is not typically used to refer to people. "Number" is more appropriate in this context. Additionally, "climb significantly" should be "increased significantly" for clarity and accuracy.
"reach its cutoff point" -> "peak"
Explanation: "Cutoff point" is less common in this context. "Peak" more accurately describes the highest point reached.
"at about 95,000 in 2007" -> "to approximately 95,000 by 2007"
Explanation: "At about 95,000 in 2007" lacks clarity in terms of the progression. "To approximately 95,000 by 2007" specifies both the approximate number and the endpoint.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the number of university graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007. It highlights key features such as the upward trend in the overall number of graduates, the difference in the number of male and female graduates, and the fluctuations in these numbers over time. The key features are presented clearly and appropriately, allowing the reader to understand the main trends depicted in the graph.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could further extend the discussion of key features by providing more specific details or comparisons where relevant. Additionally, ensuring accuracy and precision in the description of data points would enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. Information is arranged logically with a clear overall progression, as it starts by introducing the topic and then progresses to discuss the trends shown in the graph over time. Paragraphing is used, though not always logically. While the essay is generally cohesive, there are some instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, such as awkward transitions between ideas. Additionally, referencing could be clearer and more consistent throughout the essay.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother to enhance the flow of the essay. Consistently use referencing to link ideas and data back to the main topic and thesis statement. Additionally, pay attention to paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph presents a clear central topic and contributes effectively to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating terms like "juxtaposes," "pertaining to," "classified by genders," "upward trend," "fluctuation," "modestly," "substantial surge," and "cutoff point." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. While attempts are made to use less common vocabulary, there are some inaccuracies, such as "witness" instead of "witnessed," and "climb" instead of "climbed." Additionally, there are a few errors in word formation and spelling, such as "un" instead of "an" in "un upward trend," and "witness" instead of "witnessed" as mentioned earlier. These errors do not impede communication significantly but are noticeable.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary, incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms where possible. Ensure accuracy in word formation and spelling by proofreading carefully, paying attention to verb tenses and word forms. Also, avoid repetition of phrases like "un upward trend," which could be grammatically incorrect and strive for clearer expression throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating some variety in structures. There is an attempt to use complex language, although it’s occasionally cumbersome and may impede clarity. The essay conveys the main features of the graph but is marred by several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which somewhat detracts from communication.

How to improve: Focus on refining complex sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce errors that can hinder understanding. Simplify overly convoluted language to enhance readability without sacrificing depth of analysis.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the fluctuations in the number of university graduates in Canada over a fifteen-year period, commencing from 1992, categorized by gender.

Overall, there was a noticeable upward trajectory in the total number of university graduates in Canada throughout the depicted timeframe. Furthermore, it is discernible that a greater number of female students completed their university programs compared to their male counterparts.

Initially, in 1992, approximately 100,000 females graduated from their respective universities, while the corresponding figure for males stood at approximately 70,000. Over the ensuing seven years, both genders experienced fluctuations in the number of university graduates, with female graduates ranging from about 100,000 to 105,000 and male graduates fluctuating between roughly 70,000 and 80,000 until 2001.

In the latter half of the period under examination, from 1992 to 2000, the number of female university graduates saw a modest increase to around 105,000 students before experiencing a substantial surge, reaching a peak of approximately 150,000 by the end of the period. Concurrently, from 2002 onwards, the volume of male university graduates exhibited a significant ascent, culminating at about 95,000 in 2007.