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The graph below shows the percentage of people by age group visiting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.

The graph below shows the percentage of people by age group visiting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008.

The graph depicts the proportion of visitors of cinema who visited at least once a month in a nation over the period from 1978 to 2008.

Overall, it is clear that the teenagers accounted for the peak of the number of people going to the cinema whereas the middle ages occupied the smallest figures. In addition, there are fluctuations affects to all of four ranges of ages.

In the year 1978, 90% of people aged from 14 to 24 had visited once a month before this figure witnessed a slight decrease of 5% in 1988. Meanwhile, the plethora of people who were over 50 years old also plunged to 30%, which stayed at the tiniest point of the graph, but it rose considerably to over 50% at the last 20 years. By 2008, the teenagers’ visit to the cinema remained closely to the first data of the period that reached the highest point of the graph.

On the one hand, both two ranges of ages from 25 to 34 and from 35 to 49 can also be seen the same trend as the others when they all fell down to 60% and 50% in 1988. From 1988 to 2008, they fluctuated significantly with the increase of 20% to 80% and 70% and underwent a slight downward trend of 5%.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "teenagers accounted for the peak" -> "adolescents constituted the pinnacle"
    Explanation: Replacing "teenagers accounted for the peak" with "adolescents constituted the pinnacle" introduces a more formal and precise term, enhancing the sophistication of the description.

  2. "fluctuations affects" -> "fluctuations affect"
    Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "fluctuations affect" ensures grammatical accuracy, as "affects" should be changed to the plural form "affect" to match the subject "fluctuations."

  3. "plunged to 30%" -> "plummeted to 30%"
    Explanation: Substituting "plunged" with "plummeted" provides a more vivid and precise expression, conveying a sudden and steep decline in the percentage of people over 50 years old visiting the cinema.

  4. "stayed at the tiniest point" -> "remained at the lowest point"
    Explanation: Using "remained at the lowest point" instead of "stayed at the tiniest point" maintains clarity while employing a more sophisticated term to describe the position on the graph.

  5. "considerably to over 50%" -> "significantly to over 50%"
    Explanation: Replacing "considerably" with "significantly" adds precision to the statement, emphasizing a noteworthy increase in the percentage of people over 50 years old visiting the cinema.

  6. "remained closely to" -> "remained close to"
    Explanation: Adjusting "remained closely to" to "remained close to" improves grammatical accuracy, ensuring proper phrasing while maintaining the intended meaning.

  7. "first data of the period" -> "initial data of the period"
    Explanation: Substituting "first data" with "initial data" enhances the formality of the expression, providing a more refined description of the starting point in the given period.

  8. "fell down to" -> "decreased to"
    Explanation: Changing "fell down to" to "decreased to" results in a more formal and precise phrase, aligning with the academic tone of the essay.

  9. "fluctuated significantly with the increase" -> "exhibited significant fluctuations with the increase"
    Explanation: Expanding "fluctuated significantly" to "exhibited significant fluctuations" adds depth to the description, offering a more comprehensive portrayal of the changes observed in the percentage of people aged 25 to 49 visiting the cinema.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the graph. It identifies key trends and fluctuations in the percentage of people visiting the cinema by age group between 1978 and 2008. The information is presented in a somewhat organized manner, with a focus on specific age groups and their changes over time.

How to improve:

  1. Clarity and Coherence: Work on improving the overall organization of ideas to enhance clarity and coherence. Ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.

  2. Detail and Relevance: While the essay highlights key features, some details may be inaccurate or irrelevant. Review the data and ensure that the information presented accurately reflects the graph. Avoid unnecessary details that may distract from the main trends.

  3. Grammar and Language Use: Pay attention to grammar and language use to convey ideas more precisely. For instance, in the phrase "fluctuations affects to all of four ranges of ages," it would be clearer to say "fluctuations affect all four age ranges."

  4. Expansion of Ideas: The essay briefly mentions fluctuations but lacks in-depth analysis. To improve, extend your discussion on why these fluctuations occurred or what factors might have influenced them.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the data, but refinement in organization, detail accuracy, language use, and depth of analysis would elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion, presenting a clear structure and progression of ideas. The introduction effectively paraphrases the prompt and provides an overview of the trends. Paragraphing is generally logical, with distinct sections discussing different age groups. The use of cohesive devices is evident, aiding the flow of ideas. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as unclear reference in "fluctuations affects to all of four ranges of ages." Additionally, there is some inconsistency in the presentation of data, leading to moments of confusion.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion Accuracy: Ensure that cohesive devices are used accurately and effectively. In particular, revise sentences with unclear references or awkward phrasing to enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
  2. Consistency in Data Presentation: Maintain consistency in presenting data, avoiding instances of confusion. Clearly articulate the trends for each age group in a systematic manner to enhance the reader’s understanding.
  3. Proofreading for Clarity: Conduct a thorough proofread to identify and rectify any instances of faulty cohesion, unclear references, or other grammatical errors that may impact the overall coherence.

Note: While the essay exhibits coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the essential points of the graph. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, although some inaccuracies are present. The introduction is concise and provides a clear overview of the graph, and the writer manages to convey the key trends in the data. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and imprecise language, affecting overall fluency and coherence. Additionally, some grammatical errors and word choice issues may cause confusion.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource and achieve a higher band score, focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. Work on refining sentence structures and expressions to improve fluency and coherence. Review grammar rules and word usage for more accurate language. Ensure that each sentence contributes to the overall clarity and cohesiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a moderate level of grammatical range. While there is an attempt to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. Despite these errors, the communication is not severely hindered, and the reader can generally understand the intended meaning. The essay shows a basic level of control over sentence structures and demonstrates some flexibility, particularly in the use of complex sentences.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the author should pay closer attention to sentence structure and grammar. Careful proofreading can help identify and correct errors, enhancing the overall clarity of the essay. Additionally, the author may consider incorporating more complex sentence structures to elevate the sophistication of the writing. Consistency in grammatical accuracy should be a priority to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here’s an improved version of the report based on the original data provided:


The provided graph illustrates the proportion of individuals in different age brackets who frequented the cinema at least once a month within a specific country from 1978 to 2008.

Overall, it is evident that adolescents constituted the highest percentage of cinema-goers, while the middle-aged demographic consistently represented the smallest portion. Fluctuations affected all age groups over the depicted period.

In 1978, a staggering 90% of individuals aged 14 to 24 visited cinemas monthly, experiencing a slight decline of 5% by 1988. Conversely, the percentage of those aged over 50 plummeted to 30% in 1988, marking the lowest point on the graph. However, this figure notably ascended to over 50% by the final 20-year mark in 2008. Remarkably, by 2008, the frequency of cinema visits among teenagers remained nearly identical to the initial data point in 1978, maintaining the peak position on the graph.

On the other hand, individuals aged 25 to 34 and 35 to 49 mirrored similar trends to other age groups, both declining to 60% and 50% respectively in 1988. Subsequently, from 1988 to 2008, these groups exhibited significant fluctuations, experiencing an increase to 80% and 70% respectively, before undergoing a marginal 5% decrease.


This revised version aims to maintain the original data while refining the grammar, structure, and clarity of the report. If you have any further questions or need additional assistance, feel free to ask!

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