fbpx

The graph below shows the percentage of the Australian workforce in five industries between 1962 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the percentage of the Australian workforce in five industries between 1962 and 2012.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given graph illustrates the proportion of employer in australia in five sectors over a period of 50 years,starting from 1962.
Overall,The percentage of workforce in agriculture and manufacturing expierienced a downward trend while the opposite was true for other categories.Also,The figure for services was consistently at the highest over the period.
The proportion of workers in services was 52% as opposed to 9% that in construction in the first year.An increase in the statistics for both categories was seen in 2012,with that for services jumping to 78% and that for construction rising to 10%.
The data for manufacturing was 25% ,which was 14% higher than that in agriculture in 1962.A decrease in the figures for both categories was seen in the last year,with that for manufacturing fell to 10% and that for agriculture decline to 5%.
The mining workfore made up a small proportion in the graph approximatelly 1% in 1962.After the half of century,The data for mining was remain stable.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "the proportion of employer in australia" -> "the proportion of employers in Australia"
    Explanation: "Employer" should be pluralized to "employers" to accurately reflect the subject, and "Australia" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun.

  2. "expierienced" -> "experienced"
    Explanation: "Expierienced" is a misspelling of "experienced," which is the correct form.

  3. "the opposite was true for other categories" -> "the opposite trend was observed in other categories"
    Explanation: The phrase "the opposite was true" is vague; specifying "the opposite trend was observed" clarifies the meaning and maintains a formal tone.

  4. "the figure for services was consistently at the highest" -> "the figure for services consistently represented the highest proportion"
    Explanation: "Consistently at the highest" is informal; "consistently represented the highest proportion" is more precise and formal.

  5. "as opposed to 9% that in construction" -> "compared to 9% in construction"
    Explanation: "As opposed to" is somewhat informal; "compared to" is more straightforward and academically appropriate.

  6. "An increase in the statistics for both categories was seen" -> "An increase in the statistics for both categories was observed"
    Explanation: "Was seen" is informal; "was observed" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  7. "that for services jumping to 78%" -> "that for services increasing to 78%"
    Explanation: "Jumping" is informal and implies suddenness; "increasing" is more neutral and appropriate for academic discourse.

  8. "the data for manufacturing was 25% ,which was 14% higher than that in agriculture" -> "the data for manufacturing was 25%, which was 14% higher than that for agriculture"
    Explanation: The phrase "that in agriculture" is vague; "that for agriculture" is clearer. Additionally, there should be no space before the comma.

  9. "A decrease in the figures for both categories was seen in the last year" -> "A decrease in the figures for both categories was observed in the final year"
    Explanation: "Last year" is informal; "final year" is more precise and formal.

  10. "with that for manufacturing fell to 10% and that for agriculture decline to 5%" -> "with that for manufacturing falling to 10% and that for agriculture declining to 5%"
    Explanation: The verb forms should be consistent; "fell" should be "falling" and "decline" should be "declining" to maintain parallel structure.

  11. "the mining workfore made up a small proportion in the graph approximatelly 1% in 1962" -> "the mining workforce constituted a small proportion of the graph, approximately 1% in 1962"
    Explanation: "Workfore" is a misspelling of "workforce," and "made up" is informal; "constituted" is more formal. "In the graph" should be "of the graph" for clarity.

  12. "After the half of century" -> "After half a century"
    Explanation: The phrase "the half of century" is grammatically incorrect; "half a century" is the correct expression.

  13. "The data for mining was remain stable" -> "The data for mining remained stable"
    Explanation: "Was remain" is incorrect; "remained" is the proper past tense form of the verb.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay provides an overview of the main trends, but it does not present a clear overview of the main features. The essay also presents some key features, but it does not adequately cover them. For example, the essay states that the proportion of workers in services was 52% in 1962, but it does not mention that the proportion of workers in manufacturing was 25% in the same year. The essay also states that the proportion of workers in construction was 9% in 1962, but it does not mention that the proportion of workers in agriculture was 11% in the same year.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main features of the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific details about the key features. For example, the essay could mention the exact percentage of workers in each industry in 1962 and 2012. The essay could also provide more specific information about the trends in each industry. For example, the essay could mention that the proportion of workers in services increased steadily over the period, while the proportion of workers in agriculture decreased steadily over the period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the data and make comparisons, the structure is somewhat disjointed, and the flow of ideas is not always clear. There are instances of inadequate use of cohesive devices, leading to some repetition and confusion. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing the information in a logical sequence. Using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively can help connect ideas more smoothly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and maintaining consistent paragraphing will improve the overall structure of the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will strengthen the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the graph, there are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "expierienced," "approximatelly," "workfore") and word formation (e.g., "that in construction" should be "that of construction"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader. The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, lacking the variety and sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accuracy in spelling and word formation. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring correct word usage would improve clarity and precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. For instance, phrases like "the proportion of employer in australia" and "the data for manufacturing was 25%" contain errors that affect clarity. Additionally, punctuation issues, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization, further detract from the overall accuracy. While the message is generally understandable, these errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures and ensure they are grammatically correct.
  2. Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes, ensuring that sentences are clear and correctly punctuated.
  3. Use of Vocabulary: Employ a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely, which can also help in constructing more varied sentence forms.
  4. Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify common errors and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given graph illustrates the proportion of employers in Australia across five sectors over a period of 50 years, starting from 1962. Overall, the percentage of the workforce in agriculture and manufacturing experienced a downward trend, while the opposite was true for the other categories. Additionally, the figure for services consistently remained the highest throughout the period.

In 1962, the proportion of workers in services was 52%, compared to 9% in construction. An increase in the statistics for both categories was observed in 2012, with the figure for services rising to 78% and that for construction increasing to 10%.

The data for manufacturing was 25%, which was 14% higher than that in agriculture in 1962. A decrease in the figures for both categories was noted in the last year, with manufacturing falling to 10% and agriculture declining to 5%.

The mining workforce constituted a small proportion in the graph, approximately 1% in 1962. After half a century, the data for mining remained stable.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này