The graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011. Overall, it is clear that service and agriculture sectors witnessed significant changes during the period of 30 years. In contrast, there were some slight fluctuations in the industry one. Upon closer examination, one can see that service sector had the first with the highest percentage of total employment during the period in question. Initially, it ascended continually from 38 percent in 1981 to 60% in 2001, with relatively no change over the course of 5 years following. Thereafter, the proportion still increased, reaching a peak of 70 percent in 2011. Conversely, agriculture sector shrunk consistently from 33 percent in 1981 to 20 percent in 1991. From then on, the percentage drops more slightly from 20 percent to 15 percent in the period of 15 years. Subsequently, it plummeted remarkably to 5 percent in 2011, which was less than the initial figure of 6 times. Regarding the industry sector, it grew slowly from 27 percent in 1981 to 35 percent in 1991. Then, the proportion fell steadily in all and roughly equaled to the beginning in the end. But from 2001 to 2006, as well as the service sector, the industry one witnessed nearly no shift.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates" -> "The line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more formal and precise term than "illustrates" in academic contexts, enhancing the scholarly tone of the introduction.
"workers in three different sectors" -> "employees in three distinct sectors"
Explanation: "Employees" is a more specific term than "workers," and "distinct" is more formal than "different," which improves the academic tone.
"witnessed significant changes" -> "experienced substantial changes"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more precise and formal than "witnessed" in this context, and "substantial" is more specific than "significant," which is somewhat vague.
"industry one" -> "the manufacturing sector"
Explanation: "The manufacturing sector" is a clear and specific term, whereas "industry one" is vague and informal.
"service sector had the first with the highest percentage" -> "the service sector initially held the highest proportion"
Explanation: "Initially held" is more precise and formal than "had the first," and "proportion" is academically appropriate instead of "percentage."
"ascended continually" -> "steadily increased"
Explanation: "Steadily increased" is a more natural and precise way to describe continuous growth, avoiding the awkward construction "ascended continually."
"relatively no change" -> "little change"
Explanation: "Little change" is a more natural and concise way to describe minimal variation, avoiding the awkward construction "relatively no change."
"still increased" -> "continued to increase"
Explanation: "Continued to increase" is more formal and fits better in an academic context than "still increased."
"drops more slightly" -> "decreased slightly"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more formal and precise term than "drops," and "slightly" is correctly used as an adverb with "decreased."
"plummeted remarkably" -> "dropped significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped significantly" is a more formal and precise way to describe a large decrease, compared to "plummeted remarkably," which is somewhat dramatic and less formal.
"less than the initial figure of 6 times" -> "less than six times the initial figure"
Explanation: "Less than six times the initial figure" is grammatically correct and clearer, avoiding the awkward construction "less than the initial figure of 6 times."
"grew slowly" -> "gradually increased"
Explanation: "Gradually increased" is a more formal and precise term than "grew slowly," which is somewhat informal.
"roughly equaled to the beginning" -> "approximately matched the initial levels"
Explanation: "Approximately matched the initial levels" is more formal and precise than "roughly equaled to the beginning," which is awkward and informal.
"nearly no shift" -> "little change"
Explanation: "Little change" is a more natural and formal way to describe minimal variation, avoiding the awkward and informal "nearly no shift."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. It also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that the service sector "ascended continually from 38 percent in 1981 to 60% in 2001, with relatively no change over the course of 5 years following." However, the essay does not mention that the service sector continued to increase after 2001, reaching a peak of 70 percent in 2011.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by highlighting key features/bullet points more adequately. For example, the essay could mention that the service sector continued to increase after 2001, reaching a peak of 70 percent in 2011. The essay could also mention that the agriculture sector shrunk consistently from 33 percent in 1981 to 20 percent in 1991, and then dropped more slightly from 20 percent to 15 percent in the period of 15 years. The essay could also mention that the industry sector grew slowly from 27 percent in 1981 to 35 percent in 1991, and then fell steadily in all and roughly equaled to the beginning in the end. The essay could also mention that the industry sector witnessed nearly no shift from 2001 to 2006, as well as the service sector.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively summarizes the main trends, and the body paragraphs provide a logical sequence of information regarding the three sectors. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where referencing could be clearer. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it could be more logically structured to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally to enhance the flow of ideas. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., consistently using "the service sector" instead of "service sector") and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence would also help. Additionally, refining the overall structure of the essay to ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one would strengthen coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the industry one" instead of "the industrial sector," and "the first with the highest percentage" which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "plummeted remarkably" which could be more effectively expressed. While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring the correct use of less common lexical items. Practicing synonyms and collocations related to the topic can improve precision. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will help eliminate minor errors that can affect the overall impression of the essay. Engaging with a variety of academic texts can also provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and phrasing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While it conveys the main features of the graph and provides some comparisons, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the industry one" and "the first with the highest percentage" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, errors in punctuation and sentence structure are present, but they do not significantly impede overall communication.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures. This can be accomplished by practicing complex sentences and ensuring that all sentences are free of errors. Furthermore, improving clarity in phrasing and avoiding vague terms will help in conveying ideas more effectively. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and seeking feedback on writing can also aid in making necessary improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011. Overall, it is clear that the service and agriculture sectors witnessed significant changes during the 30-year period. In contrast, there were only slight fluctuations in the industrial sector.

Upon closer examination, one can see that the service sector had the highest percentage of total employment throughout the period in question. Initially, it ascended continually from 38 percent in 1981 to 60 percent in 2001, with relatively no change over the following five years. Thereafter, the proportion continued to increase, reaching a peak of 70 percent in 2011. Conversely, the agriculture sector shrank consistently from 33 percent in 1981 to 20 percent in 1991. From then on, the percentage dropped more slightly from 20 percent to 15 percent over the next 15 years. Subsequently, it plummeted remarkably to 5 percent in 2011, which was less than one-sixth of the initial figure.

Regarding the industrial sector, it grew slowly from 27 percent in 1981 to 35 percent in 1991. Then, the proportion fell steadily and roughly equaled the initial figure by the end of the period. However, from 2001 to 2006, similar to the service sector, the industrial sector experienced nearly no shift.