The graph below shows the unemployment rates for the United Kingdom, the rest of Europe, and Japan from 1993 to 2007.

The line graph illustrates the joblessness percentages for the United Kingdom, the rest of Europe, and Japan during the period from 1993 to 2007. Overall, the unemployment rate in the United Kingdom was the highest dramatic decrease. Similarly, there was an increase in Japan over the 24-year period.

Commencing in 1993, The joblessness rate in the UK was the highest approximately 11 percent. In the rest of the EU and Japan, there were sequentially reaching around 9 and 2 percent, between 1993 and 1995, the rate grew slightly in both 2 countries. Meanwhile, the UK dropped significantly in 1995. Over the subsequent 4-year period, the unemployment rate in the UK continued a downward trend of approximately 6.5 percent. Alongside, the rest of Europe following a slight increase in 1997, there was this country’s decline of about 10 percent. On the other hand, the joblessness rate in Japan was to remain constant at 3 percent during the period of 4 years.

Afterward, Japan had a dramatic growth in the unemployment percentage at 6 percent from 1999 to 2003. During the same timeframe, there was a steady decline in the UK and the rest of Europe. By 2007, Japan and the rest of Europe had a significant decrease in joblessness rates by approximately 4 and 7.5 percent. In contrast, there was unchanged in the UK at 5 percent from 2003 to 2005 and dropped slightly in 2007.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the highest dramatic decrease" -> "the most significant decline"
Explanation: "Highest dramatic decrease" is an awkward phrase that lacks precision. "Most significant decline" is clearer and more formal, accurately conveying the idea of a substantial decrease.
"Commencing" -> "Beginning"
Explanation: "Commencing" is formal but slightly archaic. "Beginning" is a more straightforward and commonly used term, maintaining clarity without sacrificing formality.
"sequentially reaching around" -> "subsequently reaching approximately"
Explanation: "Sequentially reaching around" is imprecise and lacks clarity. "Subsequently reaching approximately" is more specific and clearer in conveying the idea of a series of increasing values.
"there were sequentially reaching around 9 and 2 percent" -> "reaching approximately 9 and 2 percent respectively"
Explanation: "Sequentially reaching around" is awkward and lacks clarity. By rephrasing to "reaching approximately 9 and 2 percent respectively," the sentence becomes more precise and easier to understand.
"Meanwhile, the UK dropped significantly" -> "Meanwhile, there was a significant drop in the UK"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and to maintain parallelism.
"alongside, the rest of Europe following a slight increase" -> "in addition, the rest of Europe experienced a slight increase"
Explanation: "Alongside" is used incorrectly here. "In addition" is a better choice to indicate another event happening simultaneously. Also, "experienced" is more precise than "following."
"there was this country’s decline" -> "this country experienced a decline"
Explanation: "There was this country’s decline" is awkward and lacks clarity. "This country experienced a decline" is clearer and more concise.
"was to remain constant" -> "remained constant"
Explanation: "Was to remain" is unnecessarily wordy. "Remained" conveys the same meaning more succinctly.
"Afterward, Japan had a dramatic growth" -> "Subsequently, Japan experienced a dramatic increase"
Explanation: "Afterward" is less formal than "subsequently," and "growth" is ambiguous in this context. "Experienced a dramatic increase" is clearer and more precise.
"In contrast, there was unchanged in the UK" -> "In contrast, the UK remained unchanged"
Explanation: "There was unchanged" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Remained unchanged" is the correct phrasing to convey the idea.
"dropped slightly" -> "experienced a slight decrease"
Explanation: "Dropped slightly" is less formal and precise. "Experienced a slight decrease" maintains formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by describing the unemployment rates for the United Kingdom, the rest of Europe, and Japan from 1993 to 2007. It presents an overview of the trends in unemployment rates for each region and mentions key points such as the highest unemployment rate in the UK in 1993, followed by a significant decrease, and the increase in Japan’s unemployment rate over the period. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the presentation of data, such as the misinterpretation of the trends in some years and the lack of clarity in certain descriptions.
How to improve:
To improve, ensure accurate interpretation of the data and provide clearer descriptions of the trends observed in the graph. Avoid inconsistencies in the presentation of information and strive for more precise language throughout the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization, as it begins with an introduction and follows a chronological order in describing the unemployment rates over the years for the three regions. However, there is a lack of overall progression, as the essay lacks a clear structure that leads the reader through the analysis. Additionally, there are inconsistencies in the presentation of information, such as in the paragraph discussing the period from 1999 to 2003, where the focus shifts abruptly from Japan to the UK and the rest of Europe without clear transition.

Regarding cohesive devices, the essay demonstrates some use, such as transition words like "overall," "meanwhile," and "afterward," but there are instances of inadequate or inaccurate usage, which affects the coherence of the essay. For instance, the phrase "the highest dramatic decrease" lacks clarity and coherence. Additionally, there are issues with referencing and substitution, as seen in phrases like "this country’s decline," which could be more explicit.

Paragraphing is utilized, but not consistently or logically. The paragraphs could be better structured to enhance the flow of information and aid in understanding the progression of ideas.

How to improve:

Establish a clear and logical structure for the essay, perhaps organizing it by region or by chronological order, to ensure a coherent progression of ideas.
Use cohesive devices more effectively and accurately to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Avoid vague or ambiguous phrases that may confuse the reader.
Ensure consistent and logical paragraphing throughout the essay, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea and transitioning smoothly to the next.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering the necessary terminology related to unemployment rates and trends. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "joblessness," "commencing," and "dramatic growth," although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are evident. For instance, "highest dramatic decrease" could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, there are errors in word formation and spelling, such as "the rest of Europe following a slight increase in 1997, there was this country’s decline" which lacks clarity and coherence. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:

Work on using vocabulary more precisely and accurately. Avoid ambiguous phrases like "highest dramatic decrease" and strive for clearer expressions.
Pay attention to word choice and collocation to enhance coherence and cohesion in the essay.
Review and edit for errors in word formation and spelling to improve overall clarity and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. It includes varied structures such as introductory phrases ("Commencing in 1993"), sequential descriptions ("Over the subsequent 4-year period"), and comparisons ("In contrast"). There are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, but they do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on consistently using complex sentence structures and ensure accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and proper use of articles. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization can enhance the clarity of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph depicts the unemployment rates for the United Kingdom, the rest of Europe, and Japan spanning the years 1993 to 2007. Overall, the data reveals fluctuations in joblessness across the mentioned regions during this period.

Commencing in 1993, the United Kingdom exhibited the highest unemployment rate, peaking at approximately 11 percent. In comparison, the rest of Europe and Japan experienced lower rates, hovering around 9 and 2 percent, respectively. Over the subsequent two years, minor increases were observed in both the rest of Europe and Japan. Conversely, the United Kingdom witnessed a significant decline in unemployment, notably dropping in 1995. This downward trend persisted over the following four years, with the UK’s unemployment rate stabilizing at approximately 6.5 percent.

Simultaneously, the rest of Europe saw a brief uptick in 1997, followed by a substantial decrease of about 10 percent. Meanwhile, Japan maintained a steady unemployment rate of 3 percent during this four-year period.

However, from 1999 to 2003, Japan experienced a marked increase in unemployment, reaching 6 percent. In contrast, the United Kingdom and the rest of Europe saw steady declines in joblessness during the same timeframe. By 2007, both Japan and the rest of Europe exhibited significant decreases in unemployment rates, dropping by approximately 4 and 7.5 percent, respectively. Conversely, the United Kingdom’s unemployment rate remained unchanged at 5 percent from 2003 to 2005, only experiencing a slight decrease in 2007.