The graph below shows yearly savings of two employees in a superstore from 2011 to 2017

The purpose of this data is to illustrate the statistics regarding two supermarket workers savings from 2011 to 2017. The data is measured in US dollars.
In concise terms, the savings of Jennie increased, meanwhile the other witnessed a decrease. Additionally, Jennie went from the employee with the least money to the one with the most.
Under further examination, it is noticeable that RusseII stood exactly at 4,000 in 2011 and over the next two years the money fell approximately to 2,000 in 2013 before finishing with around 3,000 at the end of the time frame. Having surpassed Jennie as the least money in 2011.
Turning to the employee saving that witnessed a rise, Jennie started exactly with 1,500 in 2011, then gradually climbed to about 4,000 in the end of the period and became the worker with most money saving in 2017.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the purpose of this data is to illustrate" -> "the purpose of this data is to present"
Explanation: "Present" is a more formal and precise term in academic writing, indicating the intention to show or display information without implying a subjective interpretation.
"the statistics regarding two supermarket workers savings" -> "the statistics regarding the savings of two supermarket workers"
Explanation: This rephrasing clarifies the subject by placing "savings" directly after "the," improving grammatical structure and clarity.
"In concise terms" -> "In summary"
Explanation: "In summary" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase that succinctly indicates a brief overview of the following information.
"the other witnessed a decrease" -> "the other experienced a decrease"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more neutral and formal term than "witnessed," which can imply a passive observation rather than an active change.
"went from the employee with the least money to the one with the most" -> "transitioned from being the employee with the least savings to the one with the most"
Explanation: "Transitioned" provides a clearer sense of change, and "savings" is more precise than "money," which is vague in this context.
"it is noticeable that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a stronger and more formal term than "noticeable," enhancing the academic tone of the writing.
"stood exactly at 4,000" -> "was precisely 4,000"
Explanation: "Was precisely" is more straightforward and formal than "stood exactly," which can sound informal and less direct.
"the money fell approximately to 2,000" -> "the savings decreased to approximately 2,000"
Explanation: "Savings" specifies the type of money being referred to, and "decreased" is a more formal term than "fell."
"before finishing with around 3,000 at the end of the time frame" -> "before concluding at approximately 3,000 by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Concluding" is a more formal term than "finishing," and "by the end of the period" is clearer and more precise than "at the end of the time frame."
"Having surpassed Jennie as the least money in 2011" -> "Having surpassed Jennie as the employee with the least savings in 2011"
Explanation:

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay needs to provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features of the data, rather than just recounting details. For example, the essay could state that Russell’s savings decreased from 2011 to 2013, but then increased from 2013 to 2017. The essay could also state that Jennie’s savings increased steadily from 2011 to 2017. The essay should also avoid using vague language, such as "approximately" and "gradually." Instead, the essay should use precise language to describe the data. For example, the essay could state that Russell’s savings decreased by $2,000 from 2011 to 2013. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary words and phrases, such as "in concise terms" and "under further examination."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the savings of the two employees, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as there is a lack of clear separation between the discussion of each employee’s savings.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information with clearer transitions between ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic would improve clarity. Additionally, revising the paragraph structure to clearly separate the discussion of each employee’s savings would help create a more coherent flow of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the basic information regarding the savings of the two employees, the vocabulary used is quite basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the other witnessed a decrease," which lacks clarity, and "most money saving," which is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, there are some spelling and grammatical errors, such as "RusseII" (which should be "Russell") and "the worker with most money saving," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, while the essay communicates the essential information, the lexical resource is insufficient for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more precise and varied terms to describe the data. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring correct collocations would also improve clarity and sophistication. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy would help eliminate errors that detract from the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they tend to be less accurate, as seen in phrases like "the other witnessed a decrease" and "Having surpassed Jennie as the least money in 2011," which can lead to confusion. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing, which can cause difficulty for the reader. Overall, the essay’s errors in grammar and punctuation detract from its clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring they are accurate. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing would enhance clarity. Practicing the use of varied sentence forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also contribute to improved grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The purpose of this data is to illustrate the statistics regarding the savings of two supermarket employees from 2011 to 2017. The data is measured in US dollars.

In concise terms, the savings of Jennie increased, while the other employee experienced a decrease. Additionally, Jennie transitioned from having the least savings to having the most by the end of the period.

Upon further examination, it is noticeable that Russell started at exactly 4,000 in 2011, and over the next two years, his savings fell to approximately 2,000 in 2013 before finishing at around 3,000 at the end of the time frame, having surpassed Jennie as the employee with the least savings in 2011.

Turning to the employee whose savings witnessed a rise, Jennie began with exactly 1,500 in 2011 and then gradually climbed to about 4,000 by the end of the period, ultimately becoming the worker with the most savings in 2017.