The graph shows the income of four cafes in New York over last year.

The line chart illustrated the money received from selling coffee of four different cafeteria in New York monthly last year.

In general, all of four categories witnessed wild fluctuation throughout the time. Moreover, the income of The Tea Room decreased in this year while the reverse was true to that of the three others.

Looking into the number of The Tea Room, the income was a significant 160.000$ in January. In the next 9 years, from February to October, this figure saw a wild fluctuation, ranging from 120.000 to 170.000 dollars. The number then dropped dramatically to 50.000 dollars in December. Regarding the income of Internet Express, it was under 100.000 dollars that benefited this shop in the beginning of the year. Subsequently, it gradually fell to under 80.000 dollars in May and June before increasing significantly to 130.000 dollars in the last month.

Moving on to the figure for Wi-fi Cafe, the income was 50.000 dollars in January before doubled in the next 6 months. After that, the figure underwent a drop of 40.000 dollars in September and climbed drastically to 190.000 dollars in December, which was also the highest statistic of the year. Concerning the Cafe Tool, 30.000 dollars was the benefit of this shop in the first month. Then it fluctuated mildly to 40.000 dollars in September before remaining stable in 2 months. Lastly, this figure experienced a rocket of 60.000 dollars in December.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart illustrated the money received from selling coffee of four different cafeteria in New York monthly last year." -> "The line chart illustrates the monthly revenue of four New York cafes last year."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkwardly structured. The revised version corrects the grammatical errors and simplifies the sentence to improve clarity and formality.
"wild fluctuation" -> "significant fluctuations"
Explanation: "Wild fluctuation" is an idiom that may be too informal for academic writing. "Significant fluctuations" is more precise and appropriate for formal analysis.
"the reverse was true to that of" -> "the opposite was true for"
Explanation: "The reverse was true to that of" is awkward and incorrect. "The opposite was true for" is more direct and grammatically correct.
"wild fluctuation" (again) -> "significant fluctuations"
Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "wild fluctuation" is informal and imprecise. "Significant fluctuations" is more accurate and suitable for an academic context.
"this figure saw a wild fluctuation" -> "this figure experienced significant fluctuations"
Explanation: "Saw a wild fluctuation" is informal and imprecise. "Experienced significant fluctuations" is more formal and precise.
"dramatically to 50.000 dollars" -> "dramatically decreased to 50,000 dollars"
Explanation: "Dramatically to" is grammatically incorrect. "Decreased to" is the correct verb form needed here.
"under 100.000 dollars" -> "less than $100,000"
Explanation: "Under 100.000 dollars" is informal and incorrect. "Less than $100,000" is the correct and formal way to express this comparison.
"benefited this shop" -> "generated revenue for this shop"
Explanation: "Benefited this shop" is vague and informal. "Generated revenue for this shop" is more specific and appropriate for a formal analysis.
"before doubled in the next 6 months" -> "before increasing by a factor of two in the following six months"
Explanation: "Doubled" is informal and imprecise. "Increasing by a factor of two" is more precise and formal.
"underwent a drop of 40.000 dollars" -> "experienced a decrease of $40,000"
Explanation: "Underwent a drop of" is awkward and informal. "Experienced a decrease of" is more formal and clear.
"climbed drastically" -> "increased significantly"
Explanation: "Climbed drastically" is informal and metaphorical. "Increased significantly" is straightforward and appropriate for an academic context.
"rocket of 60.000 dollars" -> "jump of $60,000"
Explanation: "Rocket" is an informal metaphor and not suitable for formal writing. "Jump" is a more neutral term that fits the context better.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and grammar to align with academic standards, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality in the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. It focuses on individual data points and does not make comparisons between the cafes.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the income of The Tea Room decreased over the year, while the income of the other three cafes increased. The essay could also make comparisons between the cafes, such as stating that Wi-fi Cafe had the highest income in December. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary detail, such as the specific income figures for each month. Instead, the essay should focus on the overall trends in the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization; however, there is a lack of overall progression in the narrative. While it attempts to describe the income trends of the cafes, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate at times, with some phrases feeling repetitive or awkwardly constructed. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent; while there are attempts to separate different cafes, the overall structure does not enhance the clarity of the information presented.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer connections between ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Utilizing a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively would improve the flow of information. Additionally, organizing the information chronologically or thematically within each paragraph could help establish a clearer progression. Finally, ensuring that all paragraphs are logically structured and clearly delineated would contribute to a more coherent overall essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the income trends of the cafes, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with phrases like "the income was" and "the figure saw a wild fluctuation" appearing multiple times. There are noticeable errors in word choice (e.g., "money received from selling coffee" could be more succinctly expressed as "revenue from coffee sales") and inaccuracies in spelling and word formation (e.g., "cafeteria" should be "cafes," and "benefited this shop" is awkwardly phrased). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions. Using synonyms and more precise terms would improve clarity and sophistication. Additionally, practicing the correct forms of words and ensuring accurate spelling will help reduce errors. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and less common lexical items will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts to use complex sentences, they often lack accuracy and clarity. Frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect article usage ("the money received from selling coffee of four different cafeteria"), awkward phrasing ("the reverse was true to that of the three others"), and punctuation issues (e.g., inconsistent use of commas), impede overall communication. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader, which aligns with the characteristics of a Band 5 score.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to convey ideas more effectively.
Grammar Accuracy: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and prepositions to reduce errors.
Punctuation: Ensure consistent and correct use of punctuation marks to improve clarity.
Proofreading: Review the essay for any grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing before submission. This will help in producing clearer and more accurate sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrated the income generated from coffee sales at four different cafes in New York on a monthly basis last year.

In general, all four categories experienced significant fluctuations throughout the year. Moreover, the income of The Tea Room decreased over the year, while the opposite trend was observed for the other three cafes.

Focusing on The Tea Room, the income was a substantial $160,000 in January. In the following nine months, from February to October, this figure exhibited considerable volatility, ranging from $120,000 to $170,000. The income then dropped dramatically to $50,000 in December. Regarding Internet Express, its income started below $100,000 at the beginning of the year. Subsequently, it gradually declined to below $80,000 in May and June before rising significantly to $130,000 in the final month.

Moving on to the figures for Wi-Fi Cafe, the income was $50,000 in January before doubling over the next six months. After that, the figure experienced a drop of $40,000 in September but climbed sharply to $190,000 in December, which was also the highest statistic of the year. Concerning Cafe Tool, the income was $30,000 in the first month. It then fluctuated mildly to $40,000 in September before remaining stable for two months. Finally, this figure saw a surge of $60,000 in December.