The graph shows the number of people taking part in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region between 1985 and 2005.
The graph shows the number of people taking part in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region between 1985 and 2005.
The line chart illustrates how many people taking part in 4 kinds of sports including badminton basketball tennis and rugby in a sciffic region over a 20-year period, starting from 1985.
From an overall perspective, it is evident that the number of people joining in kinds of sports almost witnessed an upward trend, except for rugby. It is noticeable that the rugby initially was the most popular but later it was overtaken by tennis.
In 1985, the number of people taking part in rugby was by far highest with approximately 250 person, which was 100 person more than that of tennis. this figure then decreased sharply to 50% in 2005 and became sport was the least popular. In contrast, the quantity of people joining in tennis rocketed launch to 230 person and leading among four kinds of sports at the end of timeframe.
At the beginning of period, the number of people joining in badminton was the lowest with over 50 person, which was roughly 30 person lower than that of basketball. this number then study increased at approximately 90 person in 2000 and witnessed a drop at 20 person in 2005. Similarly, the quantity of people taking part in badminton dropped steady to 50 person at the end of period.
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Errors and Improvements:
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"taking part in 4 kinds of sports including badminton basketball tennis and rugby" -> "participating in 4 types of sports, namely badminton, basketball, tennis, and rugby"
Explanation: Replacing "taking part in" with "participating in" is more formal and appropriate for describing involvement in sports activities. Listing the sports in a clearer structure improves readability. -
"kinds of sports almost witnessed an upward trend" -> "types of sports experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is less precise than "experienced" in this context. "Types" is more formal and specific compared to "kinds." -
"the rugby initially was the most popular but later it was overtaken by tennis" -> "rugby was initially the most popular but was later surpassed by tennis"
Explanation: "Overtaken" can imply being physically passed, whereas "surpassed" is clearer in indicating that tennis became more popular. Rearranging the sentence for clarity and formality. -
"approximately 250 person" -> "approximately 250 individuals"
Explanation: Using "individuals" is more formal and appropriate than "person" in this context. -
"which was 100 person more than that of tennis" -> "which was 100 more than tennis"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase makes it more concise and clear without losing meaning. -
"this figure then decreased sharply to 50%" -> "this number then decreased sharply by 50%"
Explanation: "Number" is more precise than "figure" when referring to quantitative data. Clarifying the decrease in percentage rather than using "50%" alone improves clarity. -
"rocketed launch to 230 person" -> "rose sharply to 230 individuals"
Explanation: "Rocketed" is colloquial; "rose sharply" is more formal. "Individuals" is preferable to "person." -
"at the beginning of period" -> "at the beginning of the period"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "period" corrects the definite article usage. -
"this number then study increased" -> "this number then steadily increased"
Explanation: "Steadily increased" is more precise and formal than "study increased." -
"dropped steady to 50 person" -> "steadily dropped to 50 individuals"
Explanation: "Steadily dropped" is clearer than "dropped steady." Using "individuals" is more formal than "person."
These improvements aim to enhance the precision, clarity, and formality of the essay’s language, making it more suitable for academic or formal contexts.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by describing the trends in participation for four sports over the given period. It provides an overview of the data, mentioning the rise in participation for all sports except rugby, which saw a decline. The key features of the graph are highlighted, such as the initial popularity of rugby, the rise of tennis, and the fluctuations in badminton participation.
How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more accurate and specific data from the graph, such as actual numbers instead of vague terms like "approximately" or "roughly." Additionally, clarity can be enhanced by organizing the information more logically, ensuring each paragraph focuses on one sport and its trends over time. Moreover, the language and grammar need improvement for better clarity and coherence.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some organization with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which meets the basic requirement for coherence and cohesion. However, there are issues with progression and cohesion. The progression lacks clarity as it jumps between sports and years without a clear order, affecting the overall coherence. Additionally, there are inaccuracies in the use of cohesive devices and referencing, leading to some confusion. While there are attempts at paragraphing, they are not consistently logical, with some abrupt shifts between ideas.
How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on maintaining a clear progression of ideas, possibly by organizing the information chronologically or by sport. Additionally, more accurate and varied use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, would help to connect ideas more effectively. Ensuring clear referencing and maintaining logical paragraphing throughout the essay would also enhance coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition of words and phrases such as "taking part," "number of people," "kinds of sports," and "over a 20-year period." There are also noticeable errors in word choice and word formation, such as "sciffic" instead of "specific," "launch" instead of "plunge," "study increased" instead of "steadily increased," and "witnessed a drop at 20 person" instead of "witnessed a drop to 20 people." However, the essay still manages to convey the main trends and information from the graph, though some sentences are awkwardly phrased or unclear.
How to improve:
To improve lexical resource, aim to vary your vocabulary more, avoiding repetition of phrases and using a wider range of synonyms and phrases to convey your ideas. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and accuracy in spelling and word formation. Proofreading and editing your essay carefully can help to eliminate errors and improve clarity.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay utilizes a limited range of structures, primarily simple sentences. There are attempts at complex sentences, but they lack accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors. Punctuation is often faulty, which affects readability. There is some variety in the sentence structures used, but it remains limited overall.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures, including both simple and complex forms. Pay attention to punctuation rules to improve clarity and coherence. Proofreading for grammatical errors is crucial to ensure effective communication. Additionally, strive for more precise vocabulary usage to convey ideas more accurately.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided line graph illustrates the participation rates in four different sports (badminton, basketball, tennis, and rugby) in a specific region over the span of 20 years, from 1985 to 2005.
From an overarching perspective, it is evident that there was a general upward trend in the number of individuals engaging in these sports, with the exception of rugby. Initially, rugby was the most popular sport, boasting approximately 250 participants in 1985, which exceeded tennis participation by 100 individuals. However, its popularity declined sharply to 50% by 2005, rendering it the least favored sport. Conversely, tennis experienced a significant surge in participation, reaching 230 individuals by the end of the timeframe, surpassing all other sports.
At the onset of the period, badminton had the lowest participation rate, with just over 50 individuals, approximately 30 fewer than basketball. Subsequently, there was a steady increase in badminton participation to around 90 individuals by 2000, followed by a decline to 20 individuals by 2005. Similarly, the participation rate in badminton steadily decreased to 50 individuals by the end of the period.
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