The graph shows the percentage of people visiting the gym once a month or more between 1984 and 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows the percentage of people visiting the gym once a month or more between 1984 and 2003.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The layout demonstrates the number of people who visit the gym once a month or more from 1984 to 2003. Overall, the percentage of ages 18 to 25, 26- 45 and 65+ witnessed an upward trend. However, the proportion of age 46-65 experienced a downward trend. Also, it can be seen that the percentage of ages 16-25 surpassed the proportion of ages 26-45 and occupied the highest position at the end of the period.
From 1984 to 1994, the number of people ages 26 to 45 and 18 to 25 rocketted significantly with around 40% and 25%, respectively, as well as the number of people ages 46 to 65 and 65 plus climbed to 30% and 10%, respectively in 1989. While the percentage of ages eighteen to thirty five increased to around forty five percent and the proportion of ages sixty five plus rose to around fifteen percent, the figures for ages 26-45 and 46-65 sank sharply to forty five percent and 25 percent, respectively.
From 1994 to 2003, the number of people ages 46-65 dipped continuously and reached at peak, with around 15%, however, the number of ages 65+ fluctuated to exactly 20% at the end of the period. While the percentage of ages 26-45 climbed significantly to around 55%, the figures for ages 18-25 rose steadily and surpassed that of ages 26-45 and reached at peak, with 65% at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "rocketted" -> "increased significantly"
   Explanation: "Rocketted" is an informal and non-standard term. "Increased significantly" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, enhancing the formality and clarity of the statement.

2. "as well as the number of people ages 46 to 65 and 65 plus climbed to 30% and 10%, respectively" -> "Similarly, the numbers of people in the 46-65 and 65+ age groups rose to 30% and 10%, respectively"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the relationship between the age groups and their corresponding percentages, making it more readable and formal.

3. "the figures for ages 26-45 and 46-65 sank sharply to forty five percent and 25 percent, respectively" -> "the percentages for the 26-45 and 46-65 age groups declined sharply to 45% and 25%, respectively"
   Explanation: The original phrase uses informal numbers ("forty five percent") and lacks precision. Using "declined sharply" and formal numbers (45%) improves the academic tone and clarity.

4. "the number of people ages 46-65 dipped continuously and reached at peak" -> "the number of people in the 46-65 age group continued to decline and reached a peak"
   Explanation: "Reached at peak" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar, making it more suitable for academic writing.

5. "the figures for ages 18-25 rose steadily and surpassed that of ages 26-45 and reached at peak" -> "the percentages for the 18-25 age group increased steadily and surpassed those for the 26-45 age group, reaching a peak"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and uses informal language. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison between age groups and uses formal language, enhancing readability and precision.

6. "reached at peak" -> "reached a peak"
   Explanation: "Reached at peak" is grammatically incorrect. "Reached a peak" is the correct expression, which is both grammatically sound and formally appropriate.

These changes aim to refine the language to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that the percentage of ages 18 to 25 surpassed the proportion of ages 26-45 and occupied the highest position at the end of the period, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also uses a lot of unnecessary detail, such as the specific percentages for each age group in 1989.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview. The essay could also be made more concise by removing unnecessary detail. For example, instead of stating that the percentage of ages 18 to 25 surpassed the proportion of ages 26-45 and occupied the highest position at the end of the period, the essay could simply state that the percentage of ages 18 to 25 was higher than the percentage of ages 26-45 at the end of the period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a coherent manner, showing a clear overall progression. However, there are instances where cohesion is somewhat mechanical, with some sentences lacking clarity in referencing and substitution. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the flow of information.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that connections between sentences and paragraphs are clear and logical. Additionally, improving the logical structure of paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph clearly presents a central topic would enhance coherence. Finally, reducing redundancy and ensuring that referencing is clear will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "rocketted" and "fluctuated," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing (e.g., "reached at peak"). While the vocabulary does not impede communication, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "ages eighteen to thirty five" instead of "ages 18 to 35," and "reached at peak" instead of "reached a peak." These issues indicate that while the essay is generally understandable, it lacks the precision and control expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater accuracy. This includes ensuring correct word forms and collocations, as well as avoiding repetitive phrasing. Additionally, practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items can help convey precise meanings more effectively. Finally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can further improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which aligns with the characteristics of Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the number of people ages 26 to 45 rocketted significantly" and "the number of people ages 46-65 dipped continuously and reached at peak" contain grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as inconsistent use of commas and hyphens, further detract from the overall accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

1. Grammatical Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in verb forms and sentence structure.
2. Variety of Sentence Structures: Continue to incorporate a wider range of complex sentences, ensuring they are grammatically correct.
3. Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to enhance clarity and readability.
4. Clarity of Expression: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas, avoiding awkward phrasing that may confuse the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

The layout demonstrates the percentage of people who visit the gym once a month or more from 1984 to 2003. Overall, the proportions of individuals aged 18 to 25, 26 to 45, and 65+ witnessed an upward trend. However, the percentage of those aged 46 to 65 experienced a downward trend. Additionally, it can be observed that the percentage of individuals aged 18 to 25 surpassed that of those aged 26 to 45, occupying the highest position by the end of the period.

From 1984 to 1994, the percentages of people aged 26 to 45 and 18 to 25 rocketed significantly to around 40% and 25%, respectively. The proportions of individuals aged 46 to 65 and 65+ also climbed to 30% and 10%, respectively, in 1989. While the percentage of those aged 18 to 35 increased to approximately 45%, the proportion of individuals aged 65+ rose to around 15%. In contrast, the figures for ages 26 to 45 and 46 to 65 sank sharply to 45% and 25%, respectively.

From 1994 to 2003, the percentage of people aged 46 to 65 dipped continuously, reaching a low of around 15%. Meanwhile, the percentage of those aged 65+ fluctuated, ending at exactly 20%. While the proportion of individuals aged 26 to 45 climbed significantly to approximately 55%, the figures for ages 18 to 25 rose steadily, surpassing those of ages 26 to 45 and peaking at 65% by the end of the period.