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The graphs below show the percentage of math graduates and all graduates who got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia and also show the average salary of both these types of grads, from 2004 to 2012.

The graphs below show the percentage of math graduates and all graduates who got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia and also show the average salary of both these types of grads, from 2004 to 2012.

The first line chart illustrates the proportion of math graduates and all graduates from a specific university in Australia getting full-time jobs after graduation, while the second chart shows both kinds of graduates’ average salary between 2004 and 2012.

Overall, while the percentage of math graduates’ full-time jobs possessions stabilized throughout the given frame, the figure for all graduates witnessed a marginal increase, with the math graduates consistently experiencing the highest employment rate. Furthermore, both types of graduates’ salaries experienced an upward trend.

Regarding the first graph, the math graduates' employment rate commenced at 80%. It subsequently increased and peaked at approximately 90% by 2006 before ending up at the same figure as it was in 2004, at 80%. Despite remaining stable, the math graduates rate maintained its first position over the given period. Otherwise, the figure for all graduates increased slightly, starting with nearly 65%, it then increased to roughly 82% by 2008 and ended up at 68% by the end of the period.

Moving on to the second chart, the average salaries of math graduates and all graduates both increased. Despite starting at the same point in 2004, the former increased significantly and earned a higher income in 2012, at 56000 dollars, while the latter rose gradually to 51000. Due to this considerable increase, the math graduates’ average salaries claim its first position by the end of the period.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "getting full-time jobs" -> "securing full-time employment"
    Explanation: "Securing full-time employment" is a more formal and precise phrase that avoids the colloquialism of "getting full-time jobs".

  2. "while the second chart shows both kinds of graduates’ average salary" -> "while the second chart illustrates the average salaries of both types of graduates"
    Explanation: Using "illustrates" instead of "shows" adds sophistication, and specifying "average salaries" rather than "salary" makes the sentence clearer and more precise.

  3. "possessions" -> "positions"
    Explanation: "Positions" is more appropriate in this context to refer to employment status, while "possessions" refers to belongings or assets.

  4. "witnessed a marginal increase" -> "experienced a slight increase"
    Explanation: "Experienced a slight increase" is more precise and avoids the redundancy of "witnessed" in this context.

  5. "experienced an upward trend" -> "showed an upward trend"
    Explanation: "Showed an upward trend" is more formal and precise than "experienced an upward trend".

  6. "Regarding the first graph" -> "With respect to the initial graph"
    Explanation: "With respect to" is a more formal phrase to introduce discussion about a specific graph.

  7. "commenced at" -> "began at"
    Explanation: "Began at" is a more formal alternative to "commenced at".

  8. "peaked at approximately" -> "reached approximately its peak at"
    Explanation: "Reached approximately its peak at" provides a clearer structure and avoids redundancy.

  9. "Despite remaining stable" -> "Although stable"
    Explanation: "Although stable" maintains the meaning while being more concise and formal.

  10. "Otherwise" -> "In contrast"
    Explanation: "In contrast" better signifies a shift in focus between the two groups being compared.

  11. "moving on to" -> "Turning to"
    Explanation: "Turning to" provides a smoother transition between paragraphs and is more formal.

  12. "both increased" -> "experienced increases"
    Explanation: "Experienced increases" is a more formal and precise phrase.

  13. "considerable increase" -> "significant increase"
    Explanation: "Significant increase" is more formal and avoids the redundancy of "considerable increase".

  14. "claim its first position" -> "attain the top position"
    Explanation: "Attain the top position" is more formal and avoids the repetition of "first position".

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in both graphs. It effectively presents and highlights key features and bullet points, such as the stability in the employment rate of math graduates compared to the slight increase in all graduates’ employment rate, as well as the upward trend in both types of graduates’ salaries. However, the extension of key features could be more fully developed, particularly in providing more detailed analysis of the trends.

How to improve:
To improve, consider providing more detailed analysis of the trends observed in the graphs, including possible reasons for the patterns observed and their implications. Additionally, ensure that the key features are fully extended to provide a more comprehensive understanding of the data presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data provided, with clear transitions between them. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas, although there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in phrases like "Regarding the first graph" and "Moving on to the second chart." However, these do not significantly detract from the overall coherence. The central topic of each paragraph is well-established, discussing either the employment rates or the average salaries of math graduates and all graduates. Paragraphing is sufficiently managed, with each paragraph containing cohesive and coherent ideas.

How to improve: To further enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay could vary sentence structures and transitions to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensuring that the use of cohesive devices is more varied and natural throughout the essay would help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. It effectively describes the data presented in the graphs using varied lexical items related to employment, percentages, trends, and timeframes. The writer skillfully employs less common vocabulary such as "proportion," "witnessed," "commenced," and "peaked," which enhances the overall lexical resource. There is also awareness of style and collocation evident in phrases like "full-time jobs possessions" and "average salaries claim its first position." However, occasional errors in word choice and word formation are present, such as "full-time jobs possessions" which could be corrected to "full-time job placements." Additionally, some sentences could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas for better coherence.

How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, strive for more precise and nuanced word choices consistently throughout the essay. Ensure that uncommon lexical items are used accurately and appropriately within the context. Pay attention to word formations and collocations to avoid occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, work on improving the flow between sentences to create a more seamless and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with complex sentence structures used effectively throughout the response. There is a clear attempt to vary sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. The essay effectively communicates the information presented in the graphs and maintains coherence and cohesion throughout.

How to improve:
To further improve, the essay could benefit from increased accuracy and precision in grammar and punctuation. While the majority of sentences are error-free, there are occasional minor errors and awkward phrasings that slightly affect clarity. Proofreading for such errors and refining sentence structures could enhance the overall clarity and fluency of the essay. Additionally, ensuring consistent use of academic language and vocabulary appropriate for the task could elevate the sophistication of the response.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graphs illustrate the employment rates and average salaries of math graduates and all graduates from a specific university in Australia over the period from 2004 to 2012.

In general, while the percentage of math graduates securing full-time employment remained relatively steady throughout the given timeframe, there was a slight upward trend in the employment rate of all graduates. Notably, math graduates consistently maintained a higher employment rate compared to all graduates. Additionally, both categories of graduates experienced an increase in their average salaries over the years.

Turning to the first graph, the employment rate of math graduates began at 80% in 2004. It then rose to a peak of around 90% by 2006 before returning to its initial level of 80% by the end of the period. Despite this stability, math graduates consistently held the highest employment rate throughout the period. Conversely, the employment rate for all graduates saw a slight rise, starting at approximately 65% and reaching about 82% by 2008, before declining to 68% by 2012.

Examining the second chart, both math graduates and all graduates experienced an increase in their average salaries over the years. Although they started at the same level in 2004, math graduates witnessed a significant rise, reaching $56,000 by 2012, while the average salary for all graduates increased gradually to $51,000. This substantial increase propelled math graduates to claim the highest average salary position by the end of the period.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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