The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The presented bar graphs delineate the proportion of elderly male and female employees who are aged 60-64 in four distinct nations in the years of 1970 and 2000.

Overall, the senior workers of all four countries witnessed a downward trend in both genders over the surveyed years. Notably, the USA headed the list of men employees while the women workers were employed the most in Indonesia.

The percentage of Belgium and USA male workers was at 84% and 86%, respectively, while it was 65% and 78% in the figures for Belgium and USA female employees. 30 years later, there was a slight drop of about 10% in both Indonesia and USA male workers proportions. Similarly, those figures for Indonesia and USA female workers moderately decreased to 50% and 45% in the same period.

Looking at Belgium and Japan, we can see the similar pattern. Belgium and Japan’s figures in men workers stood at 79% and 76% initially, before both declined minorly by 27% and 13% in 2000. The proportion of women workers in Belgium collapsed from 63% in 1970 to 8% in 2000, whereas the figure for Japan experienced a slight drop from 56% to 47% in the same time frame.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The presented bar graphs delineate" -> "The bar graphs depict"
Explanation: "Delineate" is somewhat formal but can be replaced with "depict" for a more direct and clear description of the graphs, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"proportion of elderly male and female employees" -> "percentage of elderly male and female workers"
Explanation: "Proportion" is less specific in this context; "percentage" is more precise and commonly used in statistics and academic writing.
"senior workers" -> "older workers"
Explanation: "Senior" can imply a more general or vague term; "older" is more specific and appropriate for describing age ranges in a statistical context.
"Notably, the USA headed the list of men employees" -> "Notably, the USA led the list of male employees"
Explanation: "Heads" is a less formal term; "led" is more formal and precise in an academic context. Also, "men employees" should be "male employees" for grammatical correctness.
"employed the most in Indonesia" -> "had the highest employment rate in Indonesia"
Explanation: "Employed the most" is informal and vague; "had the highest employment rate" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"slight drop of about 10%" -> "moderate decline of approximately 10%"
Explanation: "Slight" can be seen as underemphasizing the change; "moderate" better conveys the significance of the change, and "approximately" is more precise than "about."
"moderately decreased" -> "substantially decreased"
Explanation: "Moderately" is vague; "substantially" provides a clearer and more precise description of the extent of the decrease.
"Looking at Belgium and Japan, we can see the similar pattern." -> "Comparing Belgium and Japan, we observe a similar pattern."
Explanation: "Looking at" is informal and vague; "comparing" is more specific and formal, and "observe" is preferred over "see" in academic writing.
"minorly" -> "minimally"
Explanation: "Minorly" is not a standard word; "minimally" is the correct adverb form needed here.
"collapsed" -> "dramatically decreased"
Explanation: "Collapsed" is an overly dramatic and informal term; "dramatically decreased" is more appropriate for academic writing and provides a clearer description of the change.
"saw a slight drop" -> "experienced a moderate decline"
Explanation: "Saw a slight drop" is informal and vague; "experienced a moderate decline" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "The percentage of Belgium and USA male workers was at 84% and 86%, respectively, while it was 65% and 78% in the figures for Belgium and USA female workers." This is not a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "The proportion of women workers in Belgium collapsed from 63% in 1970 to 8% in 2000." This is not a clear and appropriate way to highlight the key feature of the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by highlighting key features/bullet points more clearly and appropriately. For example, the essay could state that "The percentage of men aged 60-64 who were employed in Belgium and the USA was higher than the percentage of women aged 60-64 who were employed in these countries in 1970. However, the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in these countries decreased significantly by 2000." This would be a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also state that "The percentage of women aged 60-64 who were employed in Belgium decreased significantly from 63% in 1970 to 8% in 2000." This would be a clearer and more appropriate way to highlight the key feature of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the main body. The main features of the graphs are summarized, and comparisons are made where relevant. However, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, such as the repetitive use of phrases like "in the same period" and "in the same time frame," which detracts from the overall fluidity of the writing. Additionally, the paragraphing is somewhat logical, but the transitions between ideas could be improved for better clarity and flow. The referencing of data is also not always clear, particularly in the comparison of figures.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer could vary their use of cohesive devices and ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smoother. Introducing more sophisticated linking phrases and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence would also help. Additionally, the writer should focus on maintaining clarity in referencing data to avoid confusion and improve the overall logical flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common lexical items such as "delineate," "proportion," and "collapsed." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the senior workers of all four countries witnessed a downward trend," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, and there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "minorly" instead of "slightly." These issues do not significantly impede communication but do detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource used.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary with precise meanings. They should also ensure that less common lexical items are used accurately and in appropriate contexts. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation will further strengthen the essay. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more flexible and fluent use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is appropriate for a Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the senior workers of all four countries witnessed a downward trend" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the inconsistent use of commas, which can affect the overall readability of the essay. However, the errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the main ideas to be understood.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that they are used correctly. This could involve practicing the use of subordinate clauses and conditional sentences.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission to catch any mistakes that may have been overlooked.
Clarity and Conciseness: Aim for clearer expression of ideas by avoiding overly complex constructions that may lead to confusion. Simplifying some sentences while maintaining complexity in others can improve overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The presented bar graphs delineate the proportion of elderly male and female employees aged 60-64 in four distinct nations in the years 1970 and 2000.

Overall, senior workers in all four countries experienced a downward trend in both genders over the surveyed years. Notably, the USA had the highest percentage of male employees, while women workers in Indonesia were the most employed.

In 1970, the percentage of male workers in Belgium and the USA was 84% and 86%, respectively, while the figures for female employees in Belgium and the USA were 65% and 78%. Thirty years later, there was a slight drop of about 10% in the proportions of male workers in both Indonesia and the USA. Similarly, the figures for female workers in Indonesia and the USA moderately decreased to 50% and 45% during the same period.

Looking at Belgium and Japan, a similar pattern emerges. The percentages of male workers in Belgium and Japan stood at 79% and 76% initially, before both declined slightly by 27% and 13% by 2000. The proportion of female workers in Belgium plummeted from 63% in 1970 to 8% in 2000, whereas the figure for Japan experienced a slight drop from 56% to 47% in the same time frame.