The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The provided bar charts delineate the comparison of the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 were employed in four distinct countries: Belgium, the USA, Japan and Indonesia in 1970 and 2000.
Overall, it is evident that the proportion of employed males were generally higher compared to their female’s counterparts across all surveyed countries during both time periods, with a noticeable decline for both genders in employment rates over the 30 year-span. Notably, Belgium is the country experiencing the most significant gender disparity in employment rates.
Looking first at the figures for male’s employment rate, in 1970 the USA took the lead with the ratio of 86%, closely followed by Indonesia with 84% of employed males whereas Japan had the lowest rate, reaching 76%, was 3% lower than that of Belgium. After 30 years, the proportion of males employed in all examined countries saw a considerable drop. The figures for USA and Indonesia, after experiencing a reduction, still maintained their lead at 78% and 74%, respectively while the number of Japanese males employed accounted for 63%, officially surpassing Belgium to rank third.
Regarding the employed females, the USA initially led by the rate of 78% while only slightly over half of Japanese women had a job. Meanwhile, Indonesia and Belgium presented a nearly similar employment rate of women with 65% and 63%, respectively. However, by 2000, employed female rates in the USA decreased to 45%, trailing behind Indonesia and Japan with the rates of 50% and 47%. Conversely, Belgium is the only country that women were almost unemployed, reaching a mere 8%, was 44% lower than their male employment rates.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"delineate" -> "illustrate"
Explanation: "Delineate" is a formal word but may sound overly complex in this context. "Illustrate" is a suitable alternative that maintains the formal tone while being clearer and more commonly used.
"proportion of employed males were" -> "proportion of employed males was"
Explanation: The subject "proportion" is singular and requires the singular verb "was" instead of "were."
"female’s counterparts" -> "female counterparts"
Explanation: The possessive form "female’s" is unnecessary here. Using "female counterparts" is more concise and clearer.
"gender disparity" -> "gender gap"
Explanation: "Gender disparity" is correct, but "gender gap" is a more succinct and commonly used term to describe differences between genders.
"Looking first at the figures for male’s employment rate" -> "Firstly examining the male employment rates"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. Revising it to "Firstly examining the male employment rates" improves clarity and flow.
"with the ratio of 86%" -> "with a ratio of 86%"
Explanation: Adding the article "a" before "ratio" improves grammatical correctness.
"whereas Japan had the lowest rate, reaching 76%, was 3% lower than that of Belgium" -> "while Japan had the lowest rate at 76%, which was 3% lower than Belgium’s"
Explanation: The original sentence structure is convoluted. Simplifying it and specifying "Belgium’s" rate instead of using "that of" enhances clarity.
"experiencing a reduction" -> "experiencing declines"
Explanation: "Reduction" is correct, but "declines" is a more dynamic and precise term.
"the number of Japanese males employed accounted for 63%" -> "the proportion of employed Japanese males accounted for 63%"
Explanation: Clarifying that it’s the proportion of employed Japanese males provides more precise information.
"Regarding the employed females" -> "Regarding female employment"
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly awkward. Using "female employment" is more direct and concise.
"only slightly over half of Japanese women had a job" -> "just over half of Japanese women were employed"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal. "Just over half of Japanese women were employed" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"were almost unemployed" -> "were nearly unemployed"
Explanation: "Almost" and "nearly" are synonyms, but "nearly" sounds more formal and fits better in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by comparing the percentage of employed men and women aged 60-64 in four countries in 1970 and 2000. It presents an overview of the trends and key differences in employment rates over the two time periods. The main features are adequately highlighted, such as the general decline in employment rates for both genders and the notable gender disparities in employment across the countries surveyed. However, some details are irrelevant, such as specific percentage figures, and there is room for improvement in the extension and relevance of the information presented.
How to improve: To enhance the essay, focus on providing more relevant details and avoid unnecessary numerical specifics. Ensure that key points are clearly articulated and fully developed, especially in discussing the significance of the observed trends and disparities in employment rates. Additionally, consider refining the language for clarity and precision to strengthen the overall presentation of information.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. The essay manages paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately, aiding in the clarity of presentation.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion further, ensure a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure to avoid any mechanical or faulty cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. It effectively uses less common lexical items and demonstrates awareness of style and collocation. The writer employs a variety of vocabulary related to data presentation (e.g., "bar charts," "proportion," "surveyed countries") and describes trends using diverse language (e.g., "noticed decline," "considerable drop"). There is an attempt to convey precise meanings, although occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present, such as "proportion of employed males were generally higher" could be revised to "proportion of employed males was generally higher." Some errors in word choice and spelling are noticeable but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, pay closer attention to word choice and collocation to enhance precision. Review sentence structures for clarity and accuracy, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, proofread for spelling errors to enhance readability and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, producing frequent error-free sentences. There is effective use of a variety of complex structures throughout the essay, showcasing the writer’s ability to handle a range of grammatical forms. Minor errors are present but they do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and consistency in verb tense usage. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors such as missing articles or punctuation inconsistencies can help refine the overall accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts illustrate the comparison of the employment rates among men and women aged 60-64 in four distinct countries: Belgium, the USA, Japan, and Indonesia in the years 1970 and 2000.

Overall, it is apparent that the proportion of employed males was generally higher compared to their female counterparts across all surveyed countries during both time periods, with a noticeable decline for both genders in employment rates over the 30-year span. Notably, Belgium experienced the most significant gender disparity in employment rates.

Beginning with male employment rates, in 1970, the USA led with a ratio of 86%, closely followed by Indonesia with 84% of employed males, whereas Japan had the lowest rate, reaching 76%, which was 3% lower than that of Belgium. After 30 years, the proportion of employed males in all examined countries saw a considerable drop. The figures for the USA and Indonesia, after experiencing a reduction, still maintained their lead at 78% and 74%, respectively, while the number of Japanese males employed accounted for 63%, officially surpassing Belgium to rank third.

Regarding employed females, the USA initially led with a rate of 78%, while only slightly over half of Japanese women had a job. Meanwhile, Indonesia and Belgium presented nearly similar employment rates for women, with 65% and 63%, respectively. However, by 2000, employed female rates in the USA decreased to 45%, trailing behind Indonesia and Japan with rates of 50% and 47%, respectively. Conversely, Belgium is the only country where women were almost unemployed, reaching a mere 8%, which was 44% lower than their male employment rates.