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The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?

The surge in merchandise manufacturing has given rise to several environmentally detrimental predicaments. This essay will delve into the causes and propose measures to tackle the issues.

Our ecosystem is under threat of the escalation in industrial CO2 emissions, generated through manufacturing activities like clothing production in the textile sector. This increasing CO2 is making the earth’s atmosphere thinner, which directly contributes to climate change, air pollution and many other problems affecting the ecosystem. In addition, the lack of capital often hinder the establishment of proper waste drainage systems, forcing many manufacturers to dispose their production waste into the surroundings, including rivers, lakes and ocean. This corrupt practice results in severe water pollution, attributing to the loss of natural habitats for numerous species. For example, in 2018, a Chinese corporation named Fomorsa disposed its toxic waste into the sea to a point where all oceanic species nearby the shore were exterminated. The event caught outrageous attention from residents, evoking several strikes in the area.

Since this is a global problem, global cooperation is imperative. As CO2 stands out as the primary contributor to this phenomenon, adopting green energy as an alternative to fossil fuel may provide the antidote. For such a shift to be widely adopted, governments should implement policies that encourage the use of renewable energy and restrict the reliance on fossil fuel. Furthermore, investing in waste management programs on a large scale proves to be a viable strategy, as it effectively addresses and alleviate the issue of littering water resources. For example, a manufacturing company when being financially supported to build a drainage system, will not find ways to release its waste implicitly to the environment.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of the rapid growth in the commodity production leading to environmental problems can be explained by two primary reasons: the huge amount of CO2 and the manufacturing waste released to the natural environment. To tackle and mitigate the impact of these problems, the governments should offer policies that promote the use of green energy and invest in comprehensive waste drainage systems.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The surge in merchandise manufacturing has given rise to several environmentally detrimental predicaments." -> "The upswing in commodity manufacturing has led to various environmentally harmful predicaments."
    Explanation: Replacing "merchandise" with "commodity" and "detrimental" with "harmful" contributes to a more formal tone and uses vocabulary that is more commonly associated with academic writing.

  2. "This essay will delve into the causes and propose measures to tackle the issues." -> "This essay will examine the causes and suggest measures to address the issues."
    Explanation: Substituting "delve into" with "examine" and "tackle" with "address" enhances formality while maintaining clarity and precision in describing the essay’s purpose.

  3. "Our ecosystem is under threat of the escalation in industrial CO2 emissions…" -> "The ecosystem is threatened by the increase in industrial CO2 emissions…"
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence by removing "Our" and restructuring it improves formality. Additionally, replacing "under threat of the escalation" with "threatened by the increase" results in a more concise and academically appropriate expression.

  4. "In addition, the lack of capital often hinders the establishment of proper waste drainage systems…" -> "Moreover, inadequate funding frequently impedes the establishment of effective waste drainage systems…"
    Explanation: Substituting "lack of capital" with "inadequate funding" and replacing "hinders" with "impedes" contributes to a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  5. "This corrupt practice results in severe water pollution…" -> "This unethical practice leads to significant water pollution…"
    Explanation: Replacing "corrupt" with "unethical" and "results in severe" with "leads to significant" enhances the formality of the language without sacrificing clarity.

  6. "The event caught outrageous attention from residents, evoking several strikes in the area." -> "The incident garnered considerable attention from residents, prompting multiple strikes in the area."
    Explanation: Substituting "outrageous attention" with "considerable attention" and replacing "evoking" with "prompting" maintains a more formal tone and precision in conveying the impact of the event.

  7. "Since this is a global problem, global cooperation is imperative." -> "Given that this is a global issue, international cooperation is imperative."
    Explanation: Replacing the repetition of "global" with "international" and using "issue" instead of "problem" contributes to a more formal and varied vocabulary.

  8. "For such a shift to be widely adopted…" -> "For such a transition to gain widespread acceptance…"
    Explanation: Substituting "shift" with "transition" and "widely adopted" with "gain widespread acceptance" enhances formality and precision in describing the desired outcome.

  9. "Furthermore, investing in waste management programs on a large scale proves to be a viable strategy…" -> "Moreover, substantial investment in large-scale waste management programs proves to be a viable strategy…"
    Explanation: Replacing "proves to be" with "is" and adding "substantial" enhances formality and precision in expressing the effectiveness of the strategy.

  10. "To tackle and mitigate the impact of these problems…" -> "To address and mitigate the impact of these challenges…"
    Explanation: Substituting "tackle" with "address" and replacing "problems" with "challenges" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression of the proposed actions.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the causes of environmental damage due to the increase in consumer goods production and proposing solutions to mitigate these issues. It cites examples such as CO2 emissions from manufacturing and improper waste disposal, supporting the explanations with a relevant case of environmental damage caused by a corporation.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider offering a more comprehensive analysis of the interconnectedness between consumer demand, production, and environmental impact. Expand on the specific ways in which consumer goods production damages the environment beyond CO2 emissions and waste disposal. Elaborate on potential consequences beyond air and water pollution, such as resource depletion or habitat destruction.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, advocating for the adoption of green energy and improved waste management as solutions to mitigate environmental damage caused by consumer goods production.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph ties explicitly to the proposed solutions or the causes outlined. Connect the causes (CO2 emissions, waste disposal) more explicitly to the proposed solutions (green energy adoption, waste management) in each paragraph to reinforce the consistency of the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about CO2 emissions and waste disposal, supporting them with an example of a corporation’s environmental misconduct. However, the discussion lacks depth in elaborating on various causes and potential solutions. The essay would benefit from further development and expansion on the impacts of CO2 emissions and the potential benefits and challenges of adopting green energy and implementing waste management systems.
    • How to improve: Enhance the essay by providing more extensive examples or statistical data demonstrating the scale of environmental damage caused by CO2 emissions and improper waste disposal. Include a broader range of solutions and their potential effectiveness, considering the feasibility and challenges associated with implementing these solutions on a global scale.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly remains on topic, discussing causes and proposing solutions related to the increase in consumer goods production and its environmental impact. However, some sections could be more tightly focused on directly addressing the prompt’s components.
    • How to improve: Maintain a tighter connection between the causes presented (CO2 emissions, waste disposal) and their direct relationship with the increase in consumer goods production. Ensure each paragraph directly contributes to either explaining causes or proposing solutions, minimizing any tangential information.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, presenting a clear stance on causes and solutions related to the environmental impact of consumer goods production. To improve, it should focus on providing more in-depth explanations, offering a wider array of examples, and ensuring a stronger connection between causes and proposed solutions throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay’s focus on the causes and solutions related to the increase in consumer goods production. Each body paragraph is dedicated to a specific cause or solution, aiding clarity. The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points. However, the essay could benefit from a stronger and more explicit thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the thesis statement to clearly outline the main causes and solutions. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs by using linking sentences that guide the reader through the essay’s logical progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, with a clear topic sentence introducing the main point. However, some paragraphs are longer than necessary, leading to a slight imbalance in the structure. A more balanced paragraph length would enhance readability.
    • How to improve: Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, ensuring each paragraph addresses a single idea. This not only enhances readability but also provides a more digestible structure for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "it," "such"), transitional phrases ("for example," "furthermore"), and conjunctions ("since," "in addition"). These contribute to the overall coherence of the essay by connecting ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the seamless integration of cohesive devices, as some transitions are slightly abrupt.
    • How to improve: Work on the smooth incorporation of cohesive devices to ensure a seamless flow between ideas. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as parallel structures or synonyms, to add variety and sophistication to the essay’s language.

In summary, while the essay effectively organizes information with a logical structure, there is room for improvement in the clarity of the thesis statement, balancing paragraph lengths, and refining the integration of cohesive devices for a more seamless flow of ideas. Making these adjustments will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms like "escalation," "phenomenon," "antidote," "reliance," "alleviate," and more. However, there’s an opportunity to diversify further by integrating specialized vocabulary related to environmental issues (e.g., biodiversity loss, deforestation, carbon footprint) to enhance depth and precision.
    • How to improve: To enrich the lexical resource, consider incorporating domain-specific terms that are directly linked to environmental damage and solutions. For instance, discussing "deforestation’s impact on biodiversity" or elaborating on "carbon emissions’ correlation with global warming" could elevate the vocabulary range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases generally precise vocabulary usage, effectively conveying ideas. However, at times, there’s room for improvement in precise terminology. For instance, phrases like "the earth’s atmosphere thinner" might benefit from more precise wording, like "the depletion of the ozone layer," providing a clearer depiction of the issue.
    • How to improve: Focus on precision by using specific terms that succinctly convey the intended meaning. Replace general phrases with more accurate terminology related to environmental impacts to enhance clarity and depth.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. Most words are correctly spelled; however, there are occasional errors like "Fomorsa" instead of "Formosa," "antidote" instead of "antecedent." Attention to accuracy in spelling of specific terms and careful proofreading would further improve this aspect.
    • How to improve: Employ spell-check tools and meticulous proofreading to rectify minor spelling errors. Pay close attention to accurate spellings of specialized terms and names to ensure precision and clarity throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay presents a solid range of vocabulary with generally precise usage, contributing to a coherent discussion of causes and solutions for environmental damage. Enhancing domain-specific vocabulary and meticulous proofreading for spelling accuracy could further elevate the lexical resource, strengthening the essay’s impact and clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is effective use of complex sentences, such as in the explanation of CO2 emissions and their consequences. However, the essay tends to rely on simple sentence structures in some parts, which can be enriched for a more sophisticated expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying on straightforward sentence structures, experiment with sentences that include dependent clauses or parallel structures. This can contribute to a more engaging and polished writing style.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar usage. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise, as seen in the sentence "This corrupt practice results in severe water pollution, attributing to the loss of natural habitats for numerous species." The correct form would be "attributing" should be replaced with "contributing."
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essays, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and other grammatical nuances. Consider reading your work aloud to identify any awkward or grammatically incorrect constructions. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or teachers can provide valuable insights into areas that may need improvement.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used accurately; however, there are instances where the placement of commas could be refined for better clarity. For example, in the sentence "In addition, the lack of capital often hinders the establishment of proper waste drainage systems," a comma after "addition" is unnecessary.
    • How to improve: Review the rules of punctuation, particularly the use of commas, to ensure they are placed appropriately. Consider reading sentences aloud and pausing where punctuation marks are used to assess their effectiveness. Additionally, utilize tools like grammar checkers to identify potential punctuation errors and learn from these suggestions.

Overall, the essay displays a strong command of grammar and a commendable range of structures. To enhance your score, focus on refining sentence structures for greater variety and paying meticulous attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation use. Regular practice and feedback will contribute to continuous improvement in these areas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The upswing in the production of consumer goods has given rise to several environmentally detrimental predicaments. This essay will delve into the causes and propose measures to tackle these issues.

The ecosystem is under threat due to the escalation in industrial CO2 emissions, primarily generated through manufacturing activities such as clothing production in the textile sector. This increasing CO2 is making the Earth’s atmosphere thinner, directly contributing to climate change, air pollution, and other problems affecting the ecosystem. Moreover, inadequate funding often hinders the establishment of proper waste drainage systems, compelling many manufacturers to dispose of their production waste into the surroundings, including rivers, lakes, and oceans. This unethical practice results in severe water pollution, leading to the loss of natural habitats for numerous species. For instance, in 2018, a Chinese corporation named Fomorsa disposed of its toxic waste into the sea, leading to the extermination of all oceanic species near the shore. The incident garnered considerable attention from residents, prompting multiple strikes in the area.

Given that this is a global problem, international cooperation is imperative. As CO2 stands out as the primary contributor to this phenomenon, adopting green energy as an alternative to fossil fuel may provide the antidote. For such a transition to gain widespread acceptance, governments should implement policies that encourage the use of renewable energy and restrict reliance on fossil fuels. Furthermore, substantial investment in large-scale waste management programs proves to be a viable strategy, effectively addressing and alleviating the issue of littering water resources. For example, a manufacturing company, when financially supported to build a drainage system, will not find ways to release its waste implicitly into the environment.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of the rapid growth in commodity production leading to environmental problems can be explained by two primary reasons: the significant amount of CO2 and the release of manufacturing waste into the natural environment. To tackle and mitigate the impact of these problems, governments should offer policies that promote the use of green energy and invest in comprehensive waste drainage systems.

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