The increase in the production of consumer goods results in damage to the natural environment. What are the causes of this? What can be done to solve this problem?
The increase in merchandise manufacturing has led to numerous environmentally detrimental predicaments. This essay will examine the causes and propose measures to tackle this phenomenon.
Our ecosystem is under threat by the significant industrial CO2 emissions generated through manufacturing activities like producing clothes in the textile sector. This increasing amount of CO2 is harming the earth’s atmosphere, which directly contributes to climate change, air pollution and many other problems. In addition, the lack of capital to build up waste drainage systems forces many manufacturers to release their production waste into the environment, such as rivers, lakes and ocean. This circumstantial action results in severe water pollution, attributing to the loss of natural habitats of various species.
This is a global problem, therefore global cooperation is needed. As CO2 serves as the biggest contributor to this phenomenon, using green energy instead of fossil fuel may provide the antidote. For such measure to be applied widely, governments should enact policies that encourage the popularity of renewable energy and limit the usage of fossil fuel. Furthermore, investing in waste management programs on a large scale proves a feasible strategy, as this effectively address the issue of littering water resources. For example, a manufacture company when being financially supported to build a drainage system, will not find ways to release its waste implicitly to the environment.
In conclusion, the phenomenon of the rapid growth in the commodity production leading to environmental problems can be explained by two prime reasons: the huge amount of CO2 and the manufacturing waste released to the natural environment. To tackle and mitigate the impact of these problems, the governments should offer policies that prompt the increase of green energy and invest in waste drainage systems.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"predicaments" -> "challenges"
Explanation: Replacing "predicaments" with "challenges" provides a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic style.
"This increasing amount of CO2" -> "The escalating levels of CO2"
Explanation: "This increasing amount of CO2" is somewhat informal. "The escalating levels of CO2" is a more formal and precise alternative, emphasizing the upward trend in carbon dioxide emissions.
"lack of capital" -> "financial constraints"
Explanation: "Lack of capital" is less formal; "financial constraints" is a more academically appropriate phrase, conveying the idea of limited financial resources.
"circumstantial action" -> "resultant practice"
Explanation: "Circumstantial action" is not as precise. "Resultant practice" is a more formal choice, highlighting the consequences of the lack of waste drainage systems.
"attributing to" -> "leading to"
Explanation: "Attributing to" is less formal; "leading to" is a more suitable term, indicating a cause-and-effect relationship between the lack of waste drainage systems and water pollution.
"global cooperation is needed" -> "international collaboration is imperative"
Explanation: "Global cooperation is needed" is acceptable but less formal. "International collaboration is imperative" enhances the formality and emphasizes the necessity of working together on a global scale.
"using green energy instead of fossil fuel may provide the antidote" -> "adopting renewable energy sources as an alternative to fossil fuels could offer a solution"
Explanation: "Using green energy instead of fossil fuel may provide the antidote" is informal. "Adopting renewable energy sources as an alternative to fossil fuels could offer a solution" is more formal and precise.
"enact policies" -> "implement policies"
Explanation: "Enact policies" is acceptable but "implement policies" is a more common and slightly more formal term in academic writing.
"feaseble strategy" -> "viable strategy"
Explanation: "Feasible strategy" is correct but "viable strategy" is a more advanced and formal alternative.
"manufacture company" -> "manufacturing company"
Explanation: "Manufacture company" is grammatically incorrect. "Manufacturing company" is the appropriate term.
"find ways to release its waste implicitly to the environment" -> "dispose of its waste into the environment"
Explanation: "Find ways to release its waste implicitly to the environment" is unclear. "Dispose of its waste into the environment" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"phenomenon of the rapid growth in the commodity production" -> "phenomenon of the rapid expansion in commodity production"
Explanation: "Rapid growth in commodity production" is acceptable, but "rapid expansion in commodity production" is a more formal and precise phrasing.
"huge amount of CO2" -> "significant volume of CO2"
Explanation: "Huge amount of CO2" is less formal. "Significant volume of CO2" is a more precise and formal alternative.
"tackle and mitigate" -> "address and alleviate"
Explanation: "Tackle and mitigate" is acceptable, but "address and alleviate" provides a more varied and formal vocabulary.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt by identifying causes of environmental damage due to increased consumer goods production and proposing solutions. The causes mentioned include industrial CO2 emissions and the release of production waste into the environment. The proposed solutions involve the use of green energy and investment in waste management programs.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately covers both parts of the question, a more nuanced exploration of the causes and solutions could enhance the depth of analysis. For instance, providing specific examples or statistics related to CO2 emissions and waste pollution would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position by acknowledging the environmental issues arising from increased consumer goods production. The writer supports the need for global cooperation, proposes the use of green energy, and advocates for investments in waste management programs.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This will help anchor the reader’s understanding of the writer’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically, with clear examples such as the impact of CO2 emissions on climate change and the release of production waste into water bodies. However, some points could be further extended for a more thorough discussion. For instance, elaborating on the potential benefits and challenges of implementing green energy solutions would enhance the essay.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing more in-depth explanations or offering counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument. For example, discussing potential challenges in implementing green energy solutions could demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and solutions related to the increase in consumer goods production. However, there is a brief mention of "the lack of capital to build up waste drainage systems," which could be expanded upon to maintain relevance.
- How to improve: To ensure a tighter focus, elaborate on the financial constraints in building waste drainage systems and how this directly contributes to environmental damage. This will provide a more thorough examination of the issue.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, explicit thesis statement, extended discussions, and maintaining a laser-like focus on the topic throughout the essay. The suggestions provided aim to enhance these aspects and elevate the overall quality of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical structure by introducing the problem in the first paragraph, elaborating on causes in the subsequent paragraphs, and proposing solutions in the final part. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be clearer. For instance, the transition between discussing CO2 emissions and waste drainage systems seems slightly abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly connect ideas. For instance, phrases like "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Furthermore," can aid in better linking the causes and proposed solutions. Revising the organization to ensure a seamless progression of ideas will strengthen coherence.
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits adequate paragraphing but might benefit from stronger structural clarity within paragraphs. Each paragraph contains a main idea, but some ideas could be further developed or separated for better coherence. For instance, the second paragraph could be divided into two: one focusing on CO2 emissions and the other on waste drainage, allowing for a more focused discussion.
- How to improve: Work on topic sentence clarity and ensure each paragraph centers on a single, well-defined idea. This will aid in maintaining a coherent structure and improve readability. Consider utilizing transitions between paragraphs for smoother progression of arguments.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this phenomenon"), conjunctions ("Furthermore"), and transition phrases ("In addition"). However, there’s room to expand the variety and strategic use of these devices for more effective cohesion. For instance, explicit transitional phrases could be used to link causes and solutions more explicitly.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms, parallel structures, and cohesive conjunctions ("however," "therefore," "as a result," etc.) to establish clearer connections between ideas. Ensure their judicious use to avoid repetition and maintain coherence.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, refining the logical organization, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will elevate coherence and cohesion, leading to a more cohesive and coherent essay, likely resulting in an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. For instance, terms like "predicaments," "circumstantial action," and "antidote" showcase a varied vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further by incorporating more nuanced and contextually appropriate terms.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating domain-specific terminology related to environmental issues. For instance, instead of using general terms like "phenomenon," employ more precise words such as "environmental degradation" or "ecological imbalance." This will not only enrich your vocabulary but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, the term "CO2 emissions" is used accurately to describe a key environmental issue. However, there are instances where the usage can be more precise, such as in the phrase "manufacturing waste." Specifying the types of waste, such as "industrial effluents," would add clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by specifying types of pollution or waste, providing a more detailed and accurate description. Instead of a broad term like "manufacturing waste," use specific terms like "chemical byproducts" or "industrial effluents" to convey a clearer picture of the environmental impact.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "manufacture" instead of "manufacturing" and "circumstantial" instead of "circumstantial."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to detail. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to catch minor errors. Developing a habit of revising written work systematically will contribute to enhanced spelling precision.
Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary with some areas for refinement. Focusing on precision and expanding the range of vocabulary in a targeted manner will contribute to further improvement.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures. It employs various sentence types, including complex and compound sentences, albeit with some repetition in structure. For instance, the essay frequently starts sentences with introductory phrases or clauses, adding some variety but lacking diversity in structure.
- How to improve: To enhance structural variety, consider incorporating more varied sentence structures such as inverted sentences, conditional sentences, or using different types of subordinate clauses. Varying the beginnings of sentences beyond introductory phrases would add richness to the overall structure.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with only a few errors. Instances like "circumstantial action results" could be improved by rephrasing for clearer grammar, as ‘circumstantial’ may not be the most suitable adjective here. There are minor subject-verb agreement issues in a few places, like "a manufacture company when being financially supported."
- How to improve: Focusing on subject-verb agreement and precision in vocabulary usage can elevate grammatical accuracy. Revise sentences to ensure they maintain clear subject-verb agreement. Additionally, aim for more precise and appropriate word choices to avoid potential confusion or imprecise expressions.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, punctuation is used adequately, but there are a few instances where commas could be better placed or omitted for clearer sentence structure. For example, "such as rivers, lakes and ocean" could benefit from consistent comma usage before each item in the list.
- How to improve: Practice using commas consistently in lists, ensuring they are placed uniformly before each item. Additionally, focus on the appropriate use of commas in complex sentences to enhance clarity and readability. Reviewing specific punctuation rules related to list separations and sentence structures will aid in refining punctuation skills.
Improving sentence structure variety, refining grammar accuracy by addressing subject-verb agreement, and honing punctuation consistency will contribute significantly to enhancing the overall grammatical range and accuracy in your essays. Keep practicing these elements to further strengthen your writing skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
The surge in the production of consumer goods has given rise to several environmentally detrimental challenges. This essay will delve into the causes and propose measures to address this issue.
Our ecosystem faces a threat from the escalating levels of CO2 emissions generated during manufacturing activities, such as clothing production in the textile sector. This rising CO2 contributes directly to climate change, air pollution, and various other problems affecting the environment. Moreover, financial constraints often hinder the establishment of proper waste drainage systems, compelling many manufacturers to dispose of their production waste into the environment, including rivers, lakes, and oceans. This practice leads to severe water pollution, causing the loss of natural habitats for numerous species.
Since this is a global issue, international collaboration is imperative. As CO2 stands out as the primary contributor to this problem, adopting renewable energy sources as an alternative to fossil fuels could offer a solution. For such a shift to be widely adopted, governments need to implement policies that encourage the use of renewable energy and restrict the reliance on fossil fuels. Additionally, investing in large-scale waste management programs proves to be a viable strategy, as it effectively addresses and alleviates the issue of littering water resources. For instance, a manufacturing company, when financially supported to establish a drainage system, would be less inclined to dispose of its waste into the environment.
In conclusion, the phenomenon of the rapid expansion in commodity production leading to environmental problems can be attributed to two primary reasons: the significant volume of CO2 emissions and the disposal of manufacturing waste into the natural environment. To address and alleviate the impact of these problems, governments should implement policies that promote the adoption of green energy and invest in comprehensive waste drainage systems.