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The increasing use of technology has led to a decline in mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The increasing use of technology has led to a decline in mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In this modern era, people can reap numerous benefits from technology for their lives thanks to substantial advancement. Hence, the rate of using technological resources has exponentially escalated, sparking a debate over whether people’s mental health would be compromised or not. I wholeheartedly disagree with this view based on its surprising merits to individual mental well-being.

First, the idea of lengthy technology usage undermining mental health would be refuted as it will offer people living satisfaction. In the eyes of some, the expansion of social networking and the widespread accessibility to technological gadgets are detrimental agents causing mental distress. This is because the prevalence of social media can result in the rising rate of other new forms of crimes, such as cyber-violence. In this light, the prolonged usage of digital devices can increase the chance of people encountering such crimes like cyberbullying, which are likely to cause mental suffering. However, the rise of technology would offer people a broader range of working and making a living, which can support their mental health over time. In essence, the development of technology would, in turn, diversify the way of working and foster higher chances of accessing various sources of income. This modification might pave the way for handling tasks despite geographical barriers and also offer people more job opportunities, leading to a possible boost in incomes as accessibility to jobs and occupations becomes more pervasive and effortless. Therefore, people can leverage their financial resources to handle their trauma or invest in recreational activities, which generally relieve stress and improve mental well-being through jubilation.

Second, the growing use of technology also benefits people in an aspect of broadening their horizons more efficiently. Imparting knowledge or personal worldview through social media is liable to act as a stepping stone for knowledge accumulation by browsing or a click. This is because there are media contents that are employed to not only captivate viewers but also deliberately assist people in gaining insights into current status or social issues including depression or trauma. Against this backdrop, the increase in using technology signifies a higher chance of interacting with such educational contents, providing netizens areas of knowledge to upgrade deserved-to-avoid problems and then preventing people from those dilemmas.

To sum up, based on the aforementioned reasons, much as there are demerits can put heavy pressure on mental health, numerous people would prioritize the growth in use of technology for its impacts on overall mentality. However, individuals should also curtail screen time to avoid other fatal health problems such as obesity, severe headache or optical issues.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this modern era" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "modern," which can sound somewhat vague and colloquial in academic writing.

  2. "people can reap numerous benefits" -> "individuals can derive numerous benefits"
    Explanation: "Derive" is a more formal synonym for "reap," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  3. "thanks to substantial advancement" -> "owing to significant advancements"
    Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "thanks to," and "significant" is preferred over "substantial" in academic contexts for describing advancements.

  4. "the rate of using technological resources" -> "the rate of utilization of technological resources"
    Explanation: "Utilization" is a more precise and formal term than "using," which is somewhat informal and vague.

  5. "wholeheartedly disagree" -> "strongly disagree"
    Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" is an emotional expression that may not be suitable for academic writing; "strongly" is a more neutral and formal alternative.

  6. "surprising merits" -> "significant benefits"
    Explanation: "Surprising merits" is an awkward and unclear phrase; "significant benefits" is straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.

  7. "people living satisfaction" -> "people’s satisfaction"
    Explanation: "People living satisfaction" is grammatically incorrect; "people’s satisfaction" is the correct possessive form.

  8. "the expansion of social networking" -> "the expansion of social networking platforms"
    Explanation: Adding "platforms" clarifies the type of social networking being referred to, enhancing specificity.

  9. "digital devices can increase the chance of people encountering" -> "digital devices may increase the likelihood of individuals encountering"
    Explanation: "May" is more cautious and academically appropriate than "can," and "likelihood" is a more precise term than "chance."

  10. "foster higher chances of accessing various sources of income" -> "enhance opportunities for accessing diverse income sources"
    Explanation: "Enhance opportunities" is more formal and precise than "foster higher chances," and "diverse income sources" is a clearer and more formal expression.

  11. "pave the way for handling tasks despite geographical barriers" -> "facilitate task management despite geographical barriers"
    Explanation: "Facilitate" is a more formal and precise verb than "pave the way for," and "task management" is a more specific term than "handling tasks."

  12. "invest in recreational activities, which generally relieve stress and improve mental well-being through jubilation" -> "invest in recreational activities, which typically alleviate stress and enhance mental well-being"
    Explanation: "Typically" is more precise than "generally," and "alleviate" is a more formal synonym for "relieve," and "enhance" is preferred over "improve" for formal writing.

  13. "Imparting knowledge or personal worldview" -> "Imparting knowledge or perspectives"
    Explanation: "Perspectives" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "personal worldview."

  14. "employed to not only captivate viewers but also deliberately assist people in gaining insights" -> "designed not only to captivate viewers but also to deliberately provide insights"
    Explanation: "Designed" is more precise than "employed," and "provide insights" is clearer and more formal than "assist people in gaining insights."

  15. "deserved-to-avoid problems" -> "problems to be avoided"
    Explanation: "Deserved-to-avoid" is awkward and unclear; "problems to be avoided" is straightforward and formal.

  16. "curtail screen time" -> "limit screen time"
    Explanation: "Limit" is a more formal and precise term than "curtail" in this context.

  17. "fatal health problems such as obesity, severe headache or optical issues" -> "serious health issues such as obesity, severe headaches, and eye problems"
    Explanation: "Serious health issues" is more formal than "fatal health problems," and "severe headaches" and "eye problems" are more specific and formal than "severe headache" and "optical issues."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the statement that technology leads to a decline in mental health. The author provides arguments supporting the positive impacts of technology on mental well-being, such as increased job opportunities and access to educational content. However, while the essay acknowledges potential negative effects, it does not fully explore the extent of the disagreement or the nuances of the argument, which could lead to a more balanced discussion.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they could include a brief discussion of the negative impacts of technology on mental health, even if they ultimately disagree with the statement. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the notion that technology harms mental health. The author consistently supports this stance with arguments about the benefits of technology. However, the transitions between points could be smoother, and the conclusion could more strongly reinforce the main argument.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in the conclusion with a summary of key points would provide a stronger closure and remind the reader of the position taken.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the economic benefits of technology and its role in education. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of cyberbullying is introduced but not elaborated upon, which leaves the reader wanting more context. The examples provided are relevant but could be more specific to enhance the argument.
    • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and evidence for each claim made. For instance, citing studies or statistics about the positive effects of technology on job opportunities or mental health could strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on counterarguments would provide a more nuanced discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between technology and mental health. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, such as the mention of physical health issues related to screen time, which, while relevant, detracts from the main focus on mental health.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central argument regarding mental health. If discussing negative aspects of technology, it should be framed in a way that ties back to the main thesis, perhaps by suggesting how these negatives can be mitigated by the positives discussed.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, there are areas for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and focus. By addressing these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that technology negatively impacts mental health. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the two main body paragraphs each present distinct points supporting the thesis. The first paragraph discusses how technology can enhance job opportunities and financial stability, while the second focuses on the educational benefits of technology. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing job opportunities to educational benefits lacks a clear linking sentence that ties the two concepts together.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing job opportunities, a sentence like "In addition to economic benefits, technology also plays a crucial role in enhancing knowledge and awareness" would create a more cohesive link between the two points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the argument and presents the first point, while the second paragraph continues with a second point. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it summarizes the main points but does not fully encapsulate the argument’s strength or provide a final thought that reinforces the thesis.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by reiterating the main argument and its implications more emphatically. For instance, instead of merely stating that there are demerits, emphasize the overall positive impact of technology on mental health and suggest a balanced approach to its use.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "to sum up," which help in organizing the text. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "In this light" is used, but it could be expanded with more context to clarify how it relates to the previous sentence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Incorporate more varied linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," and "consequently," to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of the text.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical transitions, conclusion strength, and cohesive device variety can elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms like "reap," "exponentially escalated," "detrimental agents," and "jubilation" showcasing a good command of language. However, some phrases could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "technology" and "mental health" could be substituted with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms such as "digital advancements" or "technological innovations" for "technology," and "psychological well-being" or "mental wellness" for "mental health." This would not only enrich the vocabulary but also prevent redundancy.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the idea of lengthy technology usage undermining mental health would be refuted" could be clearer. The term "refuted" implies disproving a claim, which may not align with the writer’s intent to argue against that idea. Additionally, "jubilation" may not accurately convey the intended meaning in the context of mental well-being.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim for clarity by choosing words that accurately reflect the intended message. Instead of "refuted," a term like "challenged" or "questioned" could be more appropriate. Furthermore, replacing "jubilation" with "happiness" or "joy" would enhance clarity and precision in conveying the idea of improved mental well-being.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling accuracy, with no significant errors that impede understanding. However, the phrase "deserved-to-avoid problems" is awkwardly constructed and may suggest a spelling or grammatical oversight, as it is not a common expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall clarity, the writer should focus on constructing phrases that are more conventional. For instance, rephrasing "deserved-to-avoid problems" to "problems that should be avoided" would improve readability. Regular practice with spelling exercises and proofreading can also help catch any minor errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary with a Band Score of 7, there are opportunities for improvement in lexical range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating varied synonyms, ensuring precise word choice, and refining awkward phrases, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clause types. For instance, phrases like "the expansion of social networking and the widespread accessibility to technological gadgets are detrimental agents causing mental distress" showcase the use of noun phrases and relative clauses effectively. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, such as "if people can leverage their financial resources," adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, which slightly detracts from the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and transition phrases. For example, starting sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Despite the potential drawbacks, technology can…") or using different conjunctions could create a more engaging flow. Additionally, varying the length of sentences—mixing shorter, impactful sentences with longer, more complex ones—would further enrich the writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the use of commas in complex sentences is mostly correct, as seen in "In essence, the development of technology would, in turn, diversify the way of working." However, there are some awkward constructions and minor grammatical inaccuracies, such as "the idea of lengthy technology usage undermining mental health would be refuted as it will offer people living satisfaction," which could be clearer and more concise. The phrase "would be refuted as it will offer" mixes tenses in a way that may confuse readers.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Revising sentences for clarity, such as changing "the idea of lengthy technology usage undermining mental health would be refuted as it will offer people living satisfaction" to "the claim that lengthy technology use undermines mental health can be countered by its benefits for personal satisfaction" would enhance readability. Additionally, careful proofreading for minor grammatical errors and ensuring consistent tense usage throughout the essay will help maintain a high level of accuracy.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a coherent argument, but there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can further elevate their writing to achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this modern era, people can reap numerous benefits from technology in their lives, owing to substantial advancements. Hence, the rate of utilization of technological resources has exponentially escalated, sparking a debate over whether people’s mental health would be compromised or not. I wholeheartedly disagree with this view based on its surprising merits to individual mental well-being.

First, the idea that lengthy technology usage undermines mental health can be refuted as it offers people living satisfaction. In the eyes of some, the expansion of social networking and the widespread accessibility of technological gadgets are detrimental agents causing mental distress. This is because the prevalence of social media can result in the rising rate of new forms of crime, such as cyber-violence. In this light, the prolonged usage of digital devices may increase the likelihood of individuals encountering such crimes like cyberbullying, which are likely to cause mental suffering. However, the rise of technology offers people a broader range of working and income-generating opportunities, which can support their mental health over time. In essence, the development of technology diversifies the way of working and fosters higher chances of accessing various sources of income. This modification might pave the way for handling tasks despite geographical barriers and also offer people more job opportunities, leading to a possible boost in incomes as accessibility to jobs and occupations becomes more pervasive and effortless. Therefore, people can leverage their financial resources to manage their trauma or invest in recreational activities, which generally relieve stress and enhance mental well-being through jubilation.

Second, the growing use of technology also benefits people by broadening their horizons more efficiently. Imparting knowledge or personal perspectives through social media can act as a stepping stone for knowledge accumulation with just a click. This is because there are media contents designed not only to captivate viewers but also to deliberately provide insights into current status or social issues, including depression or trauma. Against this backdrop, the increase in the use of technology signifies a higher chance of interacting with such educational content, providing netizens with areas of knowledge to upgrade problems to be avoided and thus preventing people from those dilemmas.

To sum up, based on the aforementioned reasons, although there are demerits that can put heavy pressure on mental health, numerous people would prioritize the growth in the use of technology for its impacts on overall mentality. However, individuals should also limit screen time to avoid other serious health issues such as obesity, severe headaches, or eye problems.

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