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The internet has changed the way we communicate. Much communication today happens through social media. Some people support this and think it is a positive development. Others believe that social media have negative effects. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The internet has changed the way we communicate. Much communication today happens through social media. Some people support this and think it is a positive development. Others believe that social media have negative effects.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is true that the internet development has transformed human communication activity. People nowadays can get in touch with each other just through a single screen. While many individuals view this as a positive trend, others argue that there are drawbacks to such development. In this essay, I will examine both sides and will give my stance on the argument.

On the one hand, with the launching of social media, people can have numerous advantages. To begin with, people can connect with each other from different corners of the globe. Take students who are working or studying abroad as an example, they can stay in touch with their families and relatives through apps like Facebook or Instagram without the need to travel great distances. In addition, people also gain easier access to those happening not only in their country but also outside the border of their homeland. It, therefore, is a great way to keep ourselves updated with current events as well as to get to know more about a plethora of cultures. As a result, we might be able to equip ourselves with more knowledge in life.

On the other hand, those who see the setbacks of social media usually highlight two key points. First and foremost, people may be addicted to social media. The fact remains that sitting in front of computer screens for hours can cause physical health problems to those who utilize it. Following a recent study, people who spend too much time on screens are prone to short-sighted eyes and obesity, given that they lead such a sedentary lifestyle. Another crucial point to consider is that children are likely to be exposed to the harmful contents of social media. When browsing the internet, children might be the victim of improper content such as violence, sensitive content and many more, which results in a detrimental impact on the mental health of young people.

In conclusion, I believe that social media, indeed, brings people a bunch of benefits, enabling indivduals to adapt to the evolving world. However, there are still many downsides of such communication forms that should not be overlooked. Therefore, it is imperative to use social media with an awareness of their negative effects, so that we can fully take advantage of it.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is true that the internet development has transformed human communication activity." -> "It is evident that the development of the internet has revolutionized human communication."
    Explanation: Replacing "It is true that" with "It is evident that" adds a more assertive tone to the statement. Additionally, "the internet development" is revised to "the development of the internet" for grammatical correctness.

  2. "People nowadays can get in touch with each other just through a single screen." -> "Individuals today can communicate with each other solely through a single screen."
    Explanation: The term "people nowadays" is replaced with "Individuals today" for a more formal tone. The use of "get in touch" is substituted with "communicate," contributing to a more formal expression.

  3. "While many individuals view this as a positive trend, others argue that there are drawbacks to such development." -> "While many individuals perceive this as a positive trend, others contend that there are drawbacks to this development."
    Explanation: "View" is replaced with "perceive" for a more precise and formal term. The phrase "such development" is clarified to "this development" for improved specificity.

  4. "In this essay, I will examine both sides and will give my stance on the argument." -> "In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and articulate my stance on the matter."
    Explanation: "Examine both sides" is substituted with "explore both perspectives" for variety and formality. The repetition of "will" is removed for smoother sentence flow.

  5. "To begin with, people can connect with each other from different corners of the globe." -> "Firstly, individuals can establish connections with others across the globe."
    Explanation: "To begin with" is replaced with "Firstly" for variation. The use of "people" is refined to "individuals" for a more formal tone.

  6. "Take students who are working or studying abroad as an example, they can stay in touch with their families and relatives through apps like Facebook or Instagram without the need to travel great distances." -> "Consider, for instance, students working or studying abroad; they can maintain contact with their families and relatives through apps such as Facebook or Instagram, eliminating the need for extensive travel."
    Explanation: "Take" is replaced with "Consider, for instance," offering a more formal transition. The structure is refined to enhance clarity and formality.

  7. "In addition, people also gain easier access to those happening not only in their country but also outside the border of their homeland." -> "Furthermore, individuals gain convenient access not only to events within their country but also beyond their homeland’s borders."
    Explanation: "In addition" is replaced with "Furthermore" for variety. The phrase is restructured for improved clarity and formality.

  8. "It, therefore, is a great way to keep ourselves updated with current events as well as to get to know more about a plethora of cultures." -> "Therefore, it serves as an excellent means to stay abreast of current events and gain insights into a myriad of cultures."
    Explanation: "It, therefore, is" is condensed to "Therefore, it serves as" for conciseness and formality. The sentence is refined for clarity and precision.

  9. "As a result, we might be able to equip ourselves with more knowledge in life." -> "Consequently, individuals can enhance their life experiences by acquiring a wealth of knowledge."
    Explanation: "As a result" is replaced with "Consequently" for a more formal transition. The phrase is refined for clarity and sophistication.

  10. "First and foremost, people may be addicted to social media." -> "Primarily, individuals may develop an addiction to social media."
    Explanation: "First and foremost" is substituted with "Primarily" for variation. The term "people" is refined to "individuals" for a more formal tone.

  11. "Following a recent study, people who spend too much time on screens are prone to short-sighted eyes and obesity, given that they lead such a sedentary lifestyle." -> "According to a recent study, individuals who excessively use screens are susceptible to vision problems and obesity due to their sedentary lifestyles."
    Explanation: "Following a recent study" is replaced with "According to a recent study" for a more formal introduction. The phrase is restructured for improved clarity and formality.

  12. "Another crucial point to consider is that children are likely to be exposed to the harmful contents of social media." -> "Another critical consideration is that children are susceptible to exposure to harmful content on social media."
    Explanation: "Crucial point to consider" is substituted with "Critical consideration" for variety and formality. The phrase is refined for clarity and precision.

  13. "When browsing the internet, children might be the victim of improper content such as violence, sensitive content and many more, which results in a detrimental impact on the mental health of young people." -> "While browsing the internet, children may fall victim to inappropriate content, including violence and sensitive material, leading to a detrimental impact on their mental health."
    Explanation: "When browsing the internet" is revised to "While browsing the internet" for a smoother transition. The phrase is restructured for improved clarity and formality.

  14. "I believe that social media, indeed, brings people a bunch of benefits, enabling individuals to adapt to the evolving world." -> "I contend that social media indeed provides numerous benefits, empowering individuals to adapt to the evolving world."
    Explanation: "I believe that" is replaced with "I contend that" for a more assertive expression. "Brings people a bunch of benefits" is refined to "provides numerous benefits" for formality and precision.

  15. "However, there are still many downsides of such communication forms that should not be overlooked." -> "Nevertheless, there are still numerous drawbacks to these forms of communication that should not be underestimated."
    Explanation: "However" is replaced with "Nevertheless" for variety. "Many downsides" is refined to "numerous drawbacks" for precision and formality.

  16. "Therefore, it is imperative to use social media with an awareness of their negative effects, so that we can fully take advantage of it." -> "Hence, it is crucial to use social media with an awareness of its negative effects to fully capitalize on its benefits."
    Explanation: "Therefore" is replaced with "Hence" for variety. The pronoun "their" is changed to "its" for grammatical accuracy. The sentence is refined for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses both the positive and negative aspects of social media and presents a clear opinion in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing more depth in the discussion of the positive and negative impacts. Additionally, ensure that each point made is directly related to the prompt for a more comprehensive response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing a balanced view by discussing both positive and negative aspects before presenting a personal opinion.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, explicitly state the personal opinion in the introduction to set a clear roadmap for the reader. Ensure that each paragraph reinforces the chosen stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas are presented and developed reasonably well. Examples, such as students connecting through social media and the potential health issues associated with excessive screen time, effectively support the points made.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on some ideas to provide a more in-depth analysis. For instance, expand on the cultural exchange aspect or provide additional examples to illustrate the potential harm to children through inappropriate content.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of social media on communication as prompted.
    • How to improve: While the essay is on-topic, some points could be more directly related to communication. Ensure that each idea is explicitly linked to the way social media affects communication to maintain focus.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses various aspects of the topic. To improve, consider adding more depth to the discussion and ensuring that each point is tightly connected to the prompt. Additionally, explicitly state the personal opinion in the introduction for enhanced clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. The introduction clearly states the purpose of the essay, presenting both sides of the argument. Each body paragraph focuses on one aspect of the positive or negative effects of social media. However, the flow of ideas could be smoother, especially in transitioning between paragraphs. For example, the shift from discussing the positive aspects to the negative aspects could be made more seamless.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure a clear progression of thought, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, with each one devoted to a specific point. However, the structure within paragraphs could be refined for better coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be more effectively separated. For instance, the second paragraph covers both global connectivity and cultural awareness, which might be better presented as two distinct paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining a single main idea per paragraph, providing sufficient elaboration and examples to support that idea. This approach improves clarity and makes the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a reasonable range of cohesive devices such as transition words ("To begin with," "In addition," "On the other hand," "Therefore," "In conclusion"). However, some paragraphs lack explicit cohesive ties, leading to a slightly abrupt transition between ideas. Additionally, a greater variety of cohesive devices could be used to enhance overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a broader range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transitions. Ensure that each paragraph is linked to the preceding one, creating a smooth and logical progression of ideas.

In summary, while the essay effectively presents ideas and arguments, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve an even higher coherence and cohesion score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair range of vocabulary, incorporating terms like "transformation," "advantages," "setbacks," "sedentary," and "detrimental." There’s an attempt to convey ideas with varied word choices, but the usage lacks depth and diversity. For instance, phrases like "numerous advantages" and "highlight two key points" could be further enriched by more specific vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced synonyms or specific terms. For example, instead of "advantages," employ words like "benefits," "privileges," or "pros." Similarly, for "highlight two key points," opt for phrases like "underscore critical aspects" or "emphasize pivotal arguments." Utilizing synonyms within context can elevate the lexical diversity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates precise vocabulary usage, notably in phrases like "short-sighted eyes" and "sedentary lifestyle," which effectively convey specific ideas. However, some areas could benefit from more precise language. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "advantages" and "negative effects" could be refined with more specific terms to add depth and precision to the discussion.
    • How to improve: Work on replacing recurring terms with more precise vocabulary that encapsulates the intended meaning. Instead of "advantages," consider words like "benefits," "merits," or "gains." Similarly, instead of "negative effects," explore alternatives like "adverse outcomes," "undesirable consequences," or "downsides." This nuanced vocabulary can offer a more refined expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally proficient, with no blatant errors detected. However, there are a few instances that might benefit from closer attention, such as "indivduals" (individuals) and "pl plethora" (a plethora).
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, thorough proofreading is essential. Utilize spell-check tools or consider revising by reading aloud to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, reviewing common spelling patterns or irregular words can further solidify accuracy in written expression.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably varied vocabulary with attempts at precise usage. To improve, focus on enriching vocabulary by exploring synonyms in context and refining expressions for more precise communication. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can help ensure consistent spelling accuracy throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the sentence structures further. The majority of sentences are simple, and a more varied use of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses, would enhance the overall quality of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of relying predominantly on simple sentences, try combining ideas using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, while, since) to create more sophisticated structures. This will contribute to a more nuanced and cohesive expression.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise (e.g., "It, therefore, is a great way"), and there is a tendency to use some awkward phrasing (e.g., "enabling individuals to adapt to the evolving world"). These minor issues slightly affect the overall clarity of expression.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency. Additionally, focus on refining the phrasing of complex ideas to avoid awkward constructions. For example, rephrase sentences for smoother transitions, ensuring clarity and coherence in conveying your arguments.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used accurately; however, there are occasional errors and areas that need improvement. For instance, there’s an inconsistent use of commas in compound sentences (e.g., "While many individuals view this as a positive trend, others argue that there are drawbacks to such development"), and some sentences could benefit from better punctuation for clarity.
    • How to improve: Work on mastering the use of commas in complex sentences. Pay attention to proper placement, especially in compound sentences, to enhance readability. Additionally, review the punctuation in sentences to ensure that it aids in conveying your intended meaning clearly. Consider seeking feedback on specific instances where punctuation may impact comprehension.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammar and a reasonable range of structures, attention to detail in sentence variety, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation will contribute to achieving an even higher score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that the development of the internet has revolutionized human communication. Individuals today can communicate with each other solely through a single screen. While many individuals perceive this as a positive trend, others contend that there are drawbacks to this development. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and articulate my stance on the matter.

Firstly, individuals can establish connections with others across the globe. Consider, for instance, students working or studying abroad; they can maintain contact with their families and relatives through apps such as Facebook or Instagram, eliminating the need for extensive travel. Furthermore, individuals gain convenient access not only to events within their country but also beyond their homeland’s borders. Therefore, it serves as an excellent means to stay abreast of current events and gain insights into a myriad of cultures. Consequently, individuals can enhance their life experiences by acquiring a wealth of knowledge.

Primarily, individuals may develop an addiction to social media. According to a recent study, individuals who excessively use screens are susceptible to vision problems and obesity due to their sedentary lifestyles. Another critical consideration is that children are susceptible to exposure to harmful content on social media. While browsing the internet, children may fall victim to inappropriate content, including violence and sensitive material, leading to a detrimental impact on their mental health.

I contend that social media indeed provides numerous benefits, empowering individuals to adapt to the evolving world. Nevertheless, there are still numerous drawbacks to these forms of communication that should not be underestimated. Hence, it is crucial to use social media with an awareness of its negative effects to fully capitalize on its benefits.

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