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The job market today is very competitive and it is best to choose a career or field of study early in order to get a good job later in life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The job market today is very competitive, and it is best to choose a career or field of study early in order to get a good job later in life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Studying or working early is perceived as one of the most crucial factors in determining the development of each individual. The idea that learning or finding a job early remains a source of controversy. From my perspective, I totally agree that people should concentrate on learning first.
On the one hand, the option to study early and get a good job later is attractive for several reasons. Firstly, all lessons learned in university are trained by expert lecturers depending on the demands of companies and can be changed according to the market. For this reason, we can easily obtain new information about the world’s market, such as which jobs are most famous and which jobs are prepared for removal, because at different times, the demand for jobs changes immediately. Secondly, although these people don’t have any experience in work, they have fundamental knowledge that can help them easily approach a realistic job. People have many opportunities to study and improve some soft skills as team managers, but it takes a long time to get along with it. There are some majors that cannot be replaced by experience in English; the language is hard to study.
On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why I disagree with starting a job early. The first reason is that there are several jobs that require degrees, such as technical jobs or teaching because these jobs have to transmit knowledge or include valuable costs. The second reason relates to position improvement. Some people work early, but they find it hard to find new positions as managers or directors. These positions have to manage a part of the company’s employees and deal with partners. Some companies prefer people who have degrees with enough knowledge of their majors.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. “Studying or working early is perceived as one of the most crucial factors” -> “Commencing one’s education or career at an early stage is widely regarded as a pivotal determinant”
    Explanation: Replacing “Studying or working early is perceived as one of the most crucial factors” with “Commencing one’s education or career at an early stage is widely regarded as a pivotal determinant” elevates the formality and precision of the statement.
  2. “The idea that learning or finding a job early remains a source of controversy.” -> “The notion that embarking on one’s educational or professional journey at an early juncture remains a topic of contention.”
    Explanation: Substituting “idea” with “notion” and using more descriptive terms like “embarking on one’s educational or professional journey” instead of “learning or finding a job” enhances the academic tone and clarity of the sentence.
  3. “From my perspective, I totally agree that people should concentrate on learning first.” -> “In my view, I wholeheartedly concur that individuals should prioritize their educational pursuits.”
    Explanation: Replacing “From my perspective, I totally agree” with “In my view, I wholeheartedly concur” maintains a formal tone and replaces the informal “totally agree” with a more sophisticated “concur.”
  4. “all lessons learned in university are trained by expert lecturers” -> “all university courses are instructed by seasoned professors”
    Explanation: Using “lessons learned in university” can be simplified to “university courses,” and replacing “trained by expert lecturers” with “instructed by seasoned professors” maintains the formality while being more specific.
  5. “obtain new information about the world’s market” -> “acquire up-to-date information about the global market”
    Explanation: “Obtain new information about the world’s market” is made more formal and precise by replacing it with “acquire up-to-date information about the global market.”
  6. “which jobs are most famous” -> “which occupations are in high demand”
    Explanation: The term “most famous” is too informal in this context; replacing it with “in high demand” provides a more suitable academic alternative.
  7. “which jobs are prepared for removal” -> “which positions are susceptible to obsolescence”
    Explanation: “Prepared for removal” is not the most appropriate term in an academic context. “Susceptible to obsolescence” conveys the idea more formally.
  8. “although these people don’t have any experience in work” -> “despite their lack of work experience”
    Explanation: Replacing “these people don’t have any experience in work” with “despite their lack of work experience” maintains formality and clarity.
  9. “have fundamental knowledge that can help them easily approach a realistic job” -> “possess foundational knowledge that facilitates their entry into the workforce”
    Explanation: Substituting “help them easily approach a realistic job” with “facilitates their entry into the workforce” conveys the idea in a more academically appropriate manner.
  10. “get along with it” -> “master it”
    Explanation: “Get along with it” is an informal phrase, while “master it” is a more suitable and precise alternative in an academic context.
  11. “majors that cannot be replaced by experience in English” -> “fields of study that cannot be substituted with practical experience alone, especially in the domain of linguistics”
    Explanation: Clarifying the specific context by mentioning “fields of study” and providing an example with “linguistics” enhances both precision and formality.
  12. “there are a variety of reasons” -> “several factors contribute”
    Explanation: Replacing “there are a variety of reasons” with “several factors contribute” reduces wordiness and maintains academic style.
  13. “Some people work early” -> “Certain individuals commence their careers early”
    Explanation: Replacing “Some people work early” with “Certain individuals commence their careers early” enhances formality and clarity.
  14. “deal with partners” -> “engage with business partners”
    Explanation: “Deal with partners” can be vague in an academic context, so “engage with business partners” provides a more precise description.
  15. “prefer people who have degrees with enough knowledge of their majors” -> “favor candidates who possess degrees and a comprehensive understanding of their respective fields”
    Explanation: The replacement improves formality and clarity by specifying “candidates,” “degrees,” and “comprehensive understanding.”

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

  1. Quoted text: “Studying or working early is perceived as one of the most crucial factors in determining the development of each individual. The idea that learning or finding a job early remains a source of controversy. From my perspective, I totally agree that people should concentrate on learning first.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: The introduction starts by stating that studying or working early is crucial for individual development, but it doesn’t clearly establish your position on the topic. It’s important to explicitly state whether you agree or disagree with the prompt in your introduction. You could rephrase it as follows for improved clarity: “In my view, it is essential for individuals to focus on their education before entering the workforce. I strongly agree with the notion that people should prioritize learning at an early stage of their lives.”
    • Improved example: “In my view, it is essential for individuals to focus on their education before entering the workforce. I strongly agree with the notion that people should prioritize learning at an early stage of their lives. This essay will delve into the reasons supporting this perspective.”
  2. Quoted text: “On the one hand, the option to study early and get a good job later is attractive for several reasons. Firstly, all lessons learned in university are trained by expert lecturers depending on the demands of companies and can be changed according to the market.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: This paragraph discusses the advantages of studying early, which is a good start. However, it lacks specific examples or personal experiences to support the argument. To improve, you should provide concrete examples or personal anecdotes to illustrate these advantages. For instance, you could mention a specific course or experience that helped you gain relevant knowledge for a job.
    • Improved example: “On the one hand, the option to study early and secure a good job later is appealing for several reasons. Firstly, university courses are often designed and delivered by industry experts, ensuring that students acquire skills and knowledge aligned with market demands. For instance, during my own early education, I took a course in digital marketing, which equipped me with up-to-date skills highly sought after by companies.”
  3. Quoted text: “On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why I disagree with starting a job early. The first reason is that there are several jobs that require degrees, such as technical jobs or teaching because these jobs have to transmit knowledge or include valuable costs.”
    • Explanation and Improvement: This paragraph introduces the opposing viewpoint but lacks depth in its explanation. To enhance the response, you should provide a more comprehensive explanation of why starting a job early might not always be advisable. Use specific examples or elaborate on the importance of degrees in certain professions, like teaching or engineering.
    • Improved example: “On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why I disagree with the idea of starting a job early. One compelling reason is that many professions, such as teaching and engineering, necessitate specialized knowledge and credentials. For instance, a teacher must possess a teaching degree to effectively transmit knowledge to students, and an engineer needs a degree to ensure the safety and quality of their work.”

Overall, your essay addresses the task partially and lacks specific examples or personal experiences to support your arguments effectively. To improve, focus on providing clear and relevant examples to strengthen your points and ensure your position is evident throughout the essay.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, but there are areas for improvement. The essay has a clear overall progression and is organized into paragraphs, which helps with readability. However, there are issues with the use of cohesive devices, and the essay lacks a seamless flow in places.

The introduction sets up the essay’s argument, and there is a clear progression from discussing the advantages of studying early to the disadvantages. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which is good for coherence.

However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices. For instance, in the sentence, “On the one hand, the option to study early and get a good job later is attractive for several reasons,” the transition phrase “On the one hand” is used, but a similar phrase to transition to the opposing view is missing. This affects the essay’s overall coherence.

Additionally, there are some language issues that affect cohesion, such as the sentence, “People have many opportunities to study and improve some soft skills as team managers, but it takes a long time to get along with it.” The phrase “get along with it” is not clear in its meaning and disrupts cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Work on using a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
  2. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression.
  3. Avoid unclear or awkward phrasing that can disrupt the flow of the essay.
  4. Consider providing a balanced exploration of both sides of the argument to enhance coherence.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, and there is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, although with some inaccuracy. The essay makes some errors in spelling and word formation, but these errors do not significantly impede communication.

The essay uses a variety of vocabulary to discuss the topic, including words like “crucial,” “controversy,” “lecturers,” “fundamental,” “transmit,” and “partners.” However, there are instances where word choices are not entirely accurate, such as the use of “removed” instead of “obsolete” and “famous” instead of “in-demand.” Additionally, there are minor spelling and word formation errors, such as “team managers” instead of “team management.”

Overall, the essay’s vocabulary is somewhat varied, but there is room for improvement in terms of precision and accuracy in word choice and spelling.

How to improve:

  1. Work on word choice and accuracy: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of words and phrases to ensure they are used accurately in context. Avoid using words that may be slightly off in meaning, as seen in the use of “removed” and “famous.”
  2. Proofread for spelling and word formation: Review your essay carefully to catch and correct spelling and word formation errors. For example, “team managers” should be “team management.”
  3. Enhance lexical variety: Try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, especially when discussing complex topics. Utilize synonyms and explore more sophisticated terms when appropriate.
  4. Practice vocabulary usage in context: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to improve your vocabulary usage and overall writing skills.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay falls within the Band 6 descriptor. It uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and does demonstrate some variety in its sentence structure. However, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, and these errors occasionally affect the clarity of the communication.

The essay does attempt to use complex structures, such as subordinate clauses, but there are instances where these complex structures are not used accurately. For example, the sentence, “The idea that learning or finding a job early remains a source of controversy,” could be improved for clarity and accuracy.

Additionally, there are some awkward sentence constructions and phrases that impact the overall fluency and readability of the essay. For instance, the phrase “because at different times, the demand for jobs changes immediately” is not entirely clear and could benefit from rephrasing.

Overall, while the essay does demonstrate an effort to use complex sentence structures and convey a coherent argument, the frequent grammatical errors and occasional awkward phrasing prevent it from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve:

  1. Proofread for grammatical errors and punctuation: Careful proofreading is essential to correct the frequent grammatical errors and punctuation issues in the essay. This will help improve the overall accuracy of the writing.
  2. Simplify complex structures: While attempting complex sentence structures is commendable, it’s important to ensure they are used accurately. Simplify sentences when necessary to avoid errors and improve clarity.
  3. Improve sentence fluency: Pay attention to the flow and coherence of your sentences. Avoid awkward or unclear phrasing to enhance the readability of the essay.
  4. Provide specific examples: To support your arguments, include specific examples and evidence that strengthen your points and make your essay more persuasive.
  5. Organize your ideas: Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure with well-organized paragraphs and transitions between ideas. This will help readers follow your argument more easily.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Studying or starting a career early is considered a crucial factor in shaping an individual’s future. The question of whether it is more beneficial to pursue education or work early in life is a topic of debate. In my view, I strongly agree that focusing on education should be a priority.

On one hand, opting for early education with the aim of securing a good job in the future has several merits. Firstly, universities offer courses that are designed to meet the demands of companies, and these courses can adapt to changes in the job market. Therefore, students can stay updated on the latest trends in the global job market, including which professions are in high demand and which ones are becoming obsolete. Secondly, even though these individuals may lack practical work experience, they possess a strong foundational knowledge that can make it easier for them to transition into a real job. While developing soft skills like teamwork may take time, certain fields, like language learning, require formal education due to their inherent complexity.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why I disagree with the idea of entering the workforce early. Firstly, some professions, such as technical jobs and teaching, require specific qualifications or degrees because they involve transmitting knowledge or handling critical responsibilities. Secondly, early career starters may encounter difficulties in advancing to managerial or directorial positions. These roles involve overseeing a segment of a company’s workforce and interacting with business partners. Many employers prefer candidates with degrees who possess in-depth knowledge in their respective fields.

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