The line chart shows the average attendance at the cinema among various age groups in the US from 2000 to 2011.

the line graph illustrates the percentage of people coming to the cinema on average among four age brackets in the us between 2000 and 2011.

overall, it is apparent that there were increases in the proportion of cinema attendance in all four age groups on average in 12 years in the US, with the 15 to 24 age consistently registering the highest rates.

looking at the first two age groups, which have the highest and the lowest rates respectively, the first is those aged from 15 to 24 and the other is those who are 35 and older. about 17% of those who are 15 to 24 attended the cinema in 2000, after which its figure rose gradually to just over 30% in 2005, before witnessing a fluctuation from 2005 to 2009 and ending at approximately 52% in the final year. an opposite pattern can be seen in the figure of the 35-and-older, commencing at just about 2% in the first year to 10% in 2009, followed by a slow increase to around 14% in 2011.

concerning the remaining age brackets, the percentage of residents aged 7 to 14 in 2000 doubled that of those who are from 25 to 35, with the respective figures being 10% and about 4%. As for the group 7-14-year-olds, with a wide oscillation and gradual surge to the peak of about 38% in 2009, followed by a decrease to 30% in the last year. the figure of the group those who fall into 25-35 age brackets witnessed a similar pattern, with a gradual increase to the summit of just north of 30% in 2009, before ending at 30% in 2011.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the line graph illustrates" -> "the line graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting visual data, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"on average among four age brackets" -> "across four age brackets"
Explanation: "Across" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing to describe a distribution or spread over a range, making it more suitable for describing data across age groups.
"it is apparent that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more formal synonym for "apparent," which aligns better with the academic style of writing.
"the highest rates" -> "the highest rates of attendance"
Explanation: Adding "of attendance" clarifies what the rates refer to, enhancing specificity and precision in the description of the data.
"the first two age groups" -> "the two age groups"
Explanation: Removing "the first" simplifies the sentence and maintains a formal tone by focusing directly on the groups being discussed.
"the other is those who are 35 and older" -> "the other group is those aged 35 and older"
Explanation: Using "group" instead of "the other" and "aged" instead of "who are" improves the formality and clarity of the description.
"just about 2%" -> "approximately 2%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise and formal term than "just about" in academic writing.
"an opposite pattern" -> "a contrasting pattern"
Explanation: "Contrasting" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "opposite," which can imply a direct reversal rather than a comparison.
"witnessing a fluctuation" -> "experiencing fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experiencing fluctuations" is more appropriate and formal, as "witnessing" typically implies observing rather than participating in the fluctuations.
"ended at approximately 52%" -> "reached approximately 52%"
Explanation: "Reached" is more accurate in describing the attainment of a specific level, which is more precise in this context than "ended."
"concerning the remaining age brackets" -> "regarding the remaining age brackets"
Explanation: "Regarding" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "concerning."
"the percentage of residents" -> "the proportion of the population"
Explanation: "Proportion of the population" is a more precise and formal term than "percentage of residents," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.
"those who are from 25 to 35" -> "those aged 25-35"
Explanation: "Aged" is more concise and formal, and "25-35" is a more standard notation for age ranges in academic writing.
"with a wide oscillation and gradual surge" -> "with significant fluctuations and a gradual increase"
Explanation: "Significant fluctuations" and "gradual increase" provide a clearer and more formal description of the data patterns, avoiding the colloquial "oscillation" and "surge."
"the summit of just north of 30%" -> "a peak of approximately 30%"
Explanation: "A peak of approximately 30%" is more precise and formal, replacing the informal "the summit of just north of."

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always appropriately selected. For example, the essay states that the percentage of residents aged 7 to 14 in 2000 doubled that of those who are from 25 to 35, but this information is not relevant to the overall trend. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but the details are sometimes irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the figure of the group those who fall into 25-35 age brackets witnessed a similar pattern, with a gradual increase to the summit of just north of 30% in 2009, before ending at 30% in 2011. However, the figure for this age group actually peaked in 2009 at around 30% and then decreased to around 25% in 2011.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends in the data and providing more accurate information. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression in the discussion of cinema attendance across different age groups. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical or unclear. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, particularly in the transitions between age groups, which can cause some confusion for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates to the central topic. This can be achieved by using more varied cohesive devices and ensuring that transitions between ideas are smoother. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to clearly delineate between different age groups and their trends will help to clarify the progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the first is those aged from 15 to 24" and "the figure of the group those who fall into 25-35 age brackets." Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "7-14-year-olds" and "just north of 30%," which detract from clarity but do not completely impede communication. Overall, while the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, it lacks the precision and sophistication required for a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater accuracy and appropriateness. This includes avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, refining spelling and word formation will help improve clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions, while ensuring they are used correctly, will also contribute to a higher score. Practicing paraphrasing and using synonyms can help develop a more varied lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some grammatical errors and punctuation issues. While the overall message is communicated effectively, the presence of errors occasionally disrupts clarity. For example, phrases like "the first is those aged from 15 to 24" and "the figure of the group those who fall into 25-35 age brackets" reflect awkward constructions that could confuse the reader. Additionally, there are instances of missing articles and incorrect prepositions that detract from the overall grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct. This could include using more subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Paying attention to article usage and prepositions can help improve clarity.
Punctuation: Ensure proper punctuation throughout the essay, particularly in complex sentences, to aid readability and comprehension.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays with a focus on grammatical accuracy and range. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the percentage of people attending the cinema on average among four age brackets in the US between 2000 and 2011.

Overall, it is apparent that there were increases in the proportion of cinema attendance in all four age groups on average over the 12 years in the US, with the 15 to 24 age group consistently registering the highest rates.

Looking at the first two age groups, which have the highest and the lowest rates respectively, the first is those aged 15 to 24, and the other is those who are 35 and older. About 17% of those aged 15 to 24 attended the cinema in 2000, after which this figure rose gradually to just over 30% in 2005, before witnessing fluctuations from 2005 to 2009 and ending at approximately 52% in the final year. An opposite pattern can be seen in the figure for those aged 35 and older, commencing at just about 2% in the first year, rising to 10% in 2009, followed by a slow increase to around 14% in 2011.

Concerning the remaining age brackets, the percentage of residents aged 7 to 14 in 2000 doubled that of those aged 25 to 35, with the respective figures being 10% and about 4%. As for the 7 to 14-year-olds, there was a wide oscillation and gradual surge to a peak of about 38% in 2009, followed by a decrease to 30% in the last year. The figure for those in the 25 to 35 age bracket witnessed a similar pattern, with a gradual increase to just north of 30% in 2009, before ending at 30% in 2011.