The line graph below shows the changes in UK birth rates in 6 different age groups from 1973 to 2008.
The line graph below shows the changes in UK birth rates in 6 different age groups from 1973 to 2008.
The given line chart compares how the birth rate changed in 6 different age brackets from 1973 to 2008 in the United Kingdom.
Looking at the illustration, it is immediately evident that the birth rate of people between 25 and 29 recorded the highest figures over the period of time, while the reserve was true for people above 40 years old. Additionally, most rates of birth in different age groups saw a downward trend, except for two age groups from 30 to 35 and 35 to 39.
In 1973, the birth rate of adolescents between 25 and 29 was the highest, with nearly 140 people giving birth, seven times higher than the corresponding figure for the age group above 40. Similarly, the number of mothers from 20 to 25 who bore a child was around 125, followed by the age bracket between 30 and 35 whose birth rate was approximately 70 per 1000. Additionally, there were 60 individuals under the age of 18 giving birth during this period, around 20 higher than people from 35 to 39 (at 40).
Over the next decade, a number of significant changes took place in birth rates across different age groups. By around 1989, the birth rate of parents from 35 to 39 had surpassed the under-20 rate and was recorded with around 65 people giving birth in 2008, nearly 25 people higher than the latter. In addition, the rate of live births for the 30-35 age bracket showed a gradual rise over the period, with approximately 83 people giving birth. Surprisingly, the fertility rate of people from 25 to 29 despite showing a downward trend, maintained the highest number of people giving birth at just above 120 in 2008. Moreover, the age from 20 to 25 showed a sharp decline in rate, with just under 100 and people who were over 40 years old had a relatively low birth rate of only around 15 people in total, still the lowest figures after a gentle decrease for many years.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the birth rate changed in 6 different age brackets" -> "the birth rate varied across six distinct age brackets"
Explanation: "Varied" conveys a more nuanced meaning than "changed," and "distinct" is more precise than "different." Additionally, spelling out "six" is more formal in academic writing. -
"the reserve was true for people above 40 years old" -> "the opposite was true for individuals aged over 40"
Explanation: "The opposite" is clearer and more formal than "the reserve," and "individuals aged over 40" is more precise than "people above 40 years old." -
"most rates of birth in different age groups saw a downward trend" -> "most birth rates across various age groups exhibited a downward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is a more formal and precise verb than "saw," and "birth rates" is a more standard phrase than "rates of birth." -
"the birth rate of adolescents between 25 and 29" -> "the birth rate among individuals aged 25 to 29"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate in this context than "of," and "individuals aged 25 to 29" is more precise than "adolescents between 25 and 29," as those aged 25 to 29 are not typically classified as adolescents. -
"was around 125, followed by the age bracket between 30 and 35 whose birth rate was approximately 70 per 1000" -> "was approximately 125, followed by the age bracket of 30 to 35, which had a birth rate of about 70 per 1,000"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "around," and "which had" is clearer than "whose." Additionally, "1,000" is the correct numerical representation in formal writing. -
"there were 60 individuals under the age of 18 giving birth during this period" -> "there were 60 individuals under the age of 18 who gave birth during this period"
Explanation: "Who gave birth" is grammatically correct and maintains the past tense consistent with the rest of the essay. -
"the birth rate of parents from 35 to 39 had surpassed the under-20 rate" -> "the birth rate among parents aged 35 to 39 had surpassed that of the under-20 age group"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate than "from," and "that of the under-20 age group" is clearer and more formal than "the under-20 rate." -
"was recorded with around 65 people giving birth in 2008" -> "was recorded at approximately 65 individuals giving birth in 2008"
Explanation: "At" is more precise than "with," and "individuals" is more formal than "people." -
"the fertility rate of people from 25 to 29 despite showing a downward trend, maintained the highest number of people giving birth" -> "the fertility rate among individuals aged 25 to 29, despite exhibiting a downward trend, maintained the highest number of births"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate than "of," and "exhibiting" is a more formal choice than "showing." Additionally, "highest number of births" is more concise than "highest number of people giving birth." -
"the age from 20 to 25 showed a sharp decline in rate" -> "the age group of 20 to 25 exhibited a sharp decline in birth rate"
Explanation: "Age group" is more precise than "age," and "exhibited" is a more formal verb than "showed." -
"with just under 100 and people who were over 40 years old had a relatively low birth rate of only around 15 people in total" -> "with just under 100, while individuals over 40 years old had a relatively low birth rate of approximately 15 individuals in total"
Explanation: "While" clarifies the contrast between the two clauses, and "individuals" is more formal than "people." "Approximately" is more precise than "around." -
"still the lowest figures after a gentle decrease for many years" -> "remaining the lowest figures following a gradual decline over many years"
Explanation: "Remaining" is more precise than "still," and "following a gradual decline" is more formal and clear than "after a gentle decrease."
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always appropriately selected. For example, the essay states that the birth rate of people between 25 and 29 was the highest over the period of time, but this is not entirely accurate. While the birth rate for this age group was the highest in 1973, it declined over the period and was not the highest in 2008. The essay also presents some key features of the data, but the details are sometimes irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the birth rate of parents from 35 to 39 had surpassed the under-20 rate by 1989, but this is not supported by the data.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends in the data and providing more accurate information. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical or awkward phrasing. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some paragraphs could be more clearly defined in terms of topic focus. Overall, the organization is adequate, but there are areas that could benefit from clearer referencing and more logical paragraph structure.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally and avoiding repetitive phrases would also help. Additionally, ensuring that paragraphs are clearly delineated and that transitions between them are smooth can enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying information about the birth rates across different age groups. The use of less common lexical items, such as "brackets," "surpassed," and "fertility rate," indicates an awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the reserve was true" which should be "the reverse was true," and "the age from 20 to 25 showed a sharp decline in rate" which could be more clearly stated. Additionally, there are minor spelling and grammatical errors that do not impede communication but suggest room for improvement.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more sophisticated range of vocabulary and greater accuracy in word choice and collocation. Reducing errors in spelling and grammatical structure would also enhance clarity. Furthermore, incorporating more varied sentence structures and transitions could improve the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some effective complex sentences, the overall grammatical range is somewhat limited, and there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation. For example, phrases like "the reserve was true for people above 40 years old" should be "the reverse was true," indicating a misunderstanding of vocabulary. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, such as "with just under 100 and people who were over 40 years old had a relatively low birth rate," which affects clarity. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication, allowing the reader to understand the main ideas presented.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their grammatical range by incorporating a wider variety of complex structures and ensuring that they are used accurately. Additionally, proofreading for common errors in vocabulary and punctuation would enhance clarity and coherence. Practicing the use of more sophisticated sentence forms and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct will also contribute to a better score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The given line chart compares how the birth rate changed in six different age brackets from 1973 to 2008 in the United Kingdom. Looking at the illustration, it is immediately evident that the birth rate of individuals aged 25 to 29 recorded the highest figures over this period, while the opposite was true for those over 40 years old. Additionally, most birth rates across different age groups exhibited a downward trend, except for the two age groups of 30 to 35 and 35 to 39.
In 1973, the birth rate of adolescents aged 25 to 29 was the highest, with nearly 140 births per 1,000 women, seven times higher than the corresponding figure for the age group above 40. Similarly, the number of mothers aged 20 to 25 who bore a child was around 125, followed by the age bracket of 30 to 35, which had a birth rate of approximately 70 per 1,000. Additionally, there were 60 individuals under the age of 18 giving birth during this period, around 20 more than those aged 35 to 39, who had a rate of 40.
Over the next decade, several significant changes occurred in birth rates across different age groups. By around 1989, the birth rate of parents aged 35 to 39 had surpassed that of the under-20 group, recording around 65 births in 2008, nearly 25 more than the latter. Furthermore, the rate of live births for the 30 to 35 age bracket showed a gradual rise over the period, reaching approximately 83 births. Surprisingly, despite a downward trend, the fertility rate of individuals aged 25 to 29 maintained the highest number of births at just above 120 in 2008. Moreover, the age group of 20 to 25 experienced a sharp decline in birth rate, with just under 100 births, while those over 40 had a relatively low birth rate of only around 15, remaining the lowest figures after a gentle decrease over many years.
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