The line graph below shows the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed line phones from 1994 to 2004. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph delineated how many people in Africa subscribed to mobile and fixed line phones from 1994 to 2004.

Overall, the proportion of people who use to fixed line phones had by far the higher figure throughout the period, but it was surpassed by the figure for mobile phones from 2001 onwards.

The number of the percentage of people in Africa who subscribe to fixed line phones started at 1.7 % in 1994, after which it saw a slight and steady increase to roughly 3% in 2001. Similarly, the number of mobile phones users was at 0.06% in 1994, followed by a marginal growth to negligibly 0,2% in 1997 and it rose dramatically by around 2,8% in 2001.

Around 3% of the number of people in Africa used to fixed line phones, with a slightly subsequent growth to exactly 3.1 % in the last year of the period. A similar change, but to a more extent, can be seen in the figure for that of mobile phones, which rose exponentially.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"delineated how many people" -> "illustrated the number of individuals"
Explanation: "Delineated" is an overly complex word in this context. "Illustrated" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic writing. "Individuals" is more precise than "people," enhancing formality.
"use to fixed line phones" -> "used fixed line phones"
Explanation: The phrase "use to" is grammatically incorrect. "Used" is the correct past tense form, maintaining clarity and grammatical accuracy.
"had by far the higher figure" -> "consistently had a higher proportion"
Explanation: "By far the higher figure" is vague and informal. "Consistently had a higher proportion" provides a clearer and more precise description of the data.
"the number of the percentage of people" -> "the percentage of individuals"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and awkward. "The percentage of individuals" is more concise and clear.
"after which it saw a slight and steady increase" -> "subsequently experienced a gradual increase"
Explanation: "Subsequently experienced" is more formal than "saw," and "gradual" is a more precise term than "slight and steady," enhancing clarity.
"the number of mobile phones users" -> "the number of mobile phone users"
Explanation: "Mobile phones users" is grammatically incorrect. The correct phrase is "mobile phone users," which is the standard plural form.
"marginal growth to negligibly 0,2%" -> "marginal growth to approximately 0.2%"
Explanation: "Negligibly" is misused here; "approximately" is more appropriate for indicating an estimate. Additionally, the decimal point should be formatted correctly as "0.2%."
"rose dramatically by around 2,8%" -> "increased significantly to approximately 2.8%"
Explanation: "Rose dramatically" is informal; "increased significantly" is more precise and formal. Again, the decimal should be formatted as "2.8%."
"used to fixed line phones" -> "used fixed line phones"
Explanation: The phrase "used to" is incorrect in this context. "Used" is the correct past tense form.
"with a slightly subsequent growth to exactly 3.1%" -> "with a subsequent increase to precisely 3.1%"
Explanation: "Slightly subsequent growth" is awkward; "subsequent increase" is clearer. "Precisely" is a more formal alternative to "exactly."
"a similar change, but to a more extent" -> "a similar change, but to a greater extent"
Explanation: "More extent" is grammatically incorrect; "greater extent" is the correct comparative form.
"the figure for that of mobile phones" -> "the figure for mobile phones"
Explanation: "That of" is unnecessary and makes the phrase awkward. "The figure for mobile phones" is more straightforward.
"which rose exponentially" -> "which increased exponentially"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal and precise term than "rose," maintaining the academic tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as stating that the number of mobile phone users rose dramatically by around 2.8% in 2001. The essay also fails to make comparisons where relevant.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay could also be improved by making more comparisons between the two types of phone subscriptions. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of data. The essay should also be more concise and avoid repetition.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in mobile and fixed line phone subscriptions, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as in phrases like "the number of the percentage of people," which is awkward and unclear. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the ideas could be better grouped for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearer progression of ideas by using more effective transitional phrases and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. It would also be beneficial to vary the use of cohesive devices and ensure they are used accurately to link ideas. Finally, improving the clarity of language and avoiding awkward phrasing will help the reader follow the argument more easily.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "subscribed," "proportion," and "increase." However, it attempts to use less common vocabulary, like "delineated" and "exponentially," but with some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of the percentage" and "used to fixed line phones." There are also noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, such as "negligibly" and "marginal growth," which may cause some difficulty for the reader but do not completely impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, minimizing spelling and word formation errors will improve clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions, while maintaining accuracy, can also help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that may hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "use to fixed line phones" and "the number of the percentage of people" are problematic and detract from the overall accuracy. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as inconsistent spacing before percentages. However, the meaning is generally clear, and the errors do not completely obstruct communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Grammar Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly with verb forms and sentence structure. For instance, ensure that phrases are correctly constructed (e.g., "the number of people who subscribed to fixed line phones" instead of "the number of the percentage of people").
Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are used accurately. This can enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid errors that can confuse the reader. Consistent use of commas and spacing will improve clarity.
Clarity and Conciseness: Aim for clearer expressions of ideas. Avoid redundancy and ensure that each sentence contributes effectively to the overall argument or description.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph delineates the percentage of people in Africa subscribing to mobile and fixed line phones from 1994 to 2004.

Overall, the proportion of people using fixed line phones was significantly higher throughout the period; however, it was surpassed by the figure for mobile phones from 2001 onwards.

The percentage of people in Africa who subscribed to fixed line phones started at 1.7% in 1994, after which it experienced a slight and steady increase to roughly 3% in 2001. Similarly, the number of mobile phone users was at 0.06% in 1994, followed by marginal growth to approximately 0.2% in 1997, and it rose dramatically to around 2.8% in 2001.

Around 3% of the population in Africa used fixed line phones, with a slight subsequent increase to exactly 3.1% in the final year of the period. A similar trend, but to a greater extent, can be observed in the figure for mobile phones, which rose exponentially.