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The line graph compares the proportion of the population of 4 different countries in Asia living in cities between 1970 and 2020, with projections to 2040.

The line graph compares the proportion of the population of 4 different countries in Asia living in cities between 1970 and 2020, with projections to 2040.

The given line graph shows the proportion of the people who are living in cities from 1970 to 2040. The figure of the people living in cities in Malaysia was the highest and is expected to dominate over the period, the opposite was true of the figure of citizens in Indonesia.
In general, the figure of citizens in Malaysia lead the way from 1970 to 2020 and is expected to dominate 20 years later. People who are living in cities in Malaysia was 30 proportion in 1970, then it rise significantly by approximately 40 percent in 2020, before being expected to growing up and peaking at 80 percent. The opposite was true of the proportion of citizens in Thai Lan, with nearly 20 percent in 1970 before going up slowly to approximately 30 percent and being forecasted to be the lowest figure in 2040 with 50 percent.
The figure of citizens in Indonesia was similar to the figure of citizens in Philippines. The proportion of citizens in Indonesia was 15 percent at the beginning of the period, then it rose remarkably to 50 percent in 2020 and be forecasted to go up by 10 percent in 2040. Similarly, the figure of the people who live in cities in Philippines was 30 percent, before fluctuated from 1970 to 2020, then it is expected to grow slightly to more than 30 percent at the end of the period.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. “The figure of the people living in cities” -> “The percentage of urban residents”
    Explanation: Using “figure” to refer to the population living in cities is less precise. “Percentage of urban residents” is a more accurate and formal term to describe the population residing in urban areas, aligning with statistical terminology.
  2. “lead the way” -> “led the trend”
    Explanation: “Lead the way” is an informal expression. “Led the trend” is a more sophisticated phrase that better fits the context of describing a trend or pattern over time in the population’s urbanization.
  3. “was 30 proportion” -> “accounted for 30 percent”
    Explanation: “Was 30 proportion” lacks clarity and precision. Using “accounted for 30 percent” provides a clearer and more standard way to express the percentage of urban residents in Malaysia.
  4. “rise significantly by approximately 40 percent” -> “increased significantly to around 40 percent”
    Explanation: “Rise by 40 percent” is ambiguous and can be interpreted as a 40 percent increase in the rate itself, not in the proportion. “Increased to around 40 percent” clarifies the growth in the percentage of urban residents.
  5. “growing up and peaking at 80 percent” -> “growing steadily and peaking at 80 percent”
    Explanation: “Growing up” is informal in this context. Using “growing steadily” maintains formality while describing a continuous increase in the proportion of urban residents in Malaysia.
  6. “The opposite was true of the proportion of citizens in Thai Lan” -> “Conversely, the trend differed for the proportion of citizens in Thailand”
    Explanation: “The opposite was true” is imprecise. “Conversely, the trend differed” offers a clearer way to express the contrasting trend in Thailand’s urban population.
  7. “going up slowly to approximately 30 percent” -> “gradually rising to around 30 percent”
    Explanation: “Going up slowly” lacks precision. “Gradually rising” provides a clearer description of the slow increase in the percentage of urban residents in Thailand.
  8. “The figure of citizens in Indonesia” -> “The percentage of Indonesian citizens”
    Explanation: Referring to “the figure of citizens” is less precise. “The percentage of Indonesian citizens” accurately denotes the population segment residing in cities in Indonesia.
  9. “rose remarkably to 50 percent” -> “rose significantly to 50 percent”
    Explanation: “Rose remarkably” is subjective and lacks specificity. “Rose significantly” provides a more precise description of the considerable increase in the proportion of urban residents in Indonesia.
  10. “before fluctuated from 1970 to 2020” -> “experienced fluctuations from 1970 to 2020”
    Explanation: “Before fluctuated” lacks clarity. “Experienced fluctuations” better describes the varying trends in the percentage of urban residents in the Philippines.
  11. “grow slightly to more than 30 percent” -> “experience a marginal increase to slightly over 30 percent”
    Explanation: “Grow slightly” is vague. “Experience a marginal increase” provides a more specific description of the slight rise in the proportion of urban residents in the Philippines.

 

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. It covers key features and bullet points, such as the trends in the proportion of the population living in cities for each country over the specified time period. The response includes details about Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, and the Philippines.

How to improve:

  1. Clarity and Cohesion: Enhance the coherence of your essay by organizing information more logically. Consider presenting information in a more structured manner, such as separating paragraphs for each country to improve readability.
  2. Accuracy and Precision: Be cautious about the accuracy of your data and use precise figures. For example, the statement “before being expected to growing up and peaking at 80 percent” could be clarified with specific years and figures to enhance precision.
  3. Language Usage: Pay attention to grammar and language usage. For instance, “the opposite was true of the figure of citizens in Indonesia” could be rephrased for clarity.
  4. Detail Relevance: Ensure that the details provided are relevant and contribute to the overall understanding of the trends. Some details, like those related to Thailand, could be elaborated further to meet the criterion of adequately highlighting key features.

Remember to consistently refer to the band descriptors for higher-level scores.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay exhibits some organization by presenting an overview of the data in the introduction and discussing each country separately. There’s an attempt to show progression, comparing proportions across time periods for the mentioned countries. However, the coherence suffers due to inconsistent paragraphing, repetitive use of phrases, and occasional lack of clarity in expressing relationships between ideas.

The essay makes an effort to highlight the main trends but lacks a cohesive and consistent structure. Sentences often lack connection, making the progression of ideas challenging to follow. There are frequent instances of repetition, which affects the overall flow and coherence.

The essay does utilize some cohesive devices (e.g., “similarly,” “opposite was true”), but these are used inconsistently, leading to occasional confusion or lack of clarity in presenting relationships between ideas.

Paragraphing is attempted, but it is not consistently logical, leading to a fragmented presentation of information. The absence of clear transitions between paragraphs hampers the overall cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Paragraph Structure: Organize the essay into distinct paragraphs for each country’s data. Ensure a clear topic sentence at the start of each paragraph to guide the reader.
  2. Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices consistently and appropriately. Focus on using transition words and phrases effectively to connect ideas.
  3. Avoid Repetition: Try to vary sentence structures and word choices to reduce repetition and enhance clarity.
  4. Logical Progression: Ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, maintaining coherence by connecting sentences and paragraphs more explicitly.

By implementing these improvements, the essay’s coherence and cohesion can be significantly enhanced, leading to a clearer and more structured presentation of the information.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, utilizing some less common words and expressions. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation. The essay attempts to convey information about the line graph, but there are inconsistencies and some imprecise language that affect the overall clarity. There are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, but they do not severely impede communication.

For example, the phrases “the figure of the people who are living in cities” could be streamlined to enhance clarity and precision. Additionally, there are grammatical errors such as “rise significantly by approximately 40 percent,” where the use of “to” is missing before “approximately.”

How to improve:

  1. Aim for greater precision in word choice and collocation. For instance, replace phrases like “the figure of the people” with more concise expressions like “the urban population.”
  2. Work on sentence structure to enhance clarity. Ensure that each sentence communicates a clear and complete thought.
  3. Review and correct spelling and word formation errors to improve the overall fluency of the essay.
  4. Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, including the use of prepositions and conjunctions, to enhance the coherence of the essay.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There’s an effort to present comparisons and projections using various tenses and sentence forms, albeit with inconsistency in accuracy and structure. The essay attempts complex sentences but struggles with accuracy, leading to some grammatical errors and occasional faulty punctuation.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures for better clarity. Work on accuracy with verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Pay attention to sentence construction and aim for more consistent accuracy in complex sentences. Review punctuation rules to ensure clearer and more accurate communication. Practicing varied sentence structures and proofreading for grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the essay’s score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates the percentage of urban dwellers in four distinct Asian countries from 1970 to 2040, including projections for the year 2040.

In terms of the highest urban population, Malaysia consistently held the lead throughout the entire period, and this trend is expected to continue into 2040. In 1970, Malaysia’s urban population stood at 30%, experiencing a significant surge to approximately 40% in 2020. Projections indicate a substantial growth, reaching its peak at 80% in 2040. Conversely, Indonesia exhibited the opposite pattern, with an initial urban population of 15% in 1970, soaring to 50% in 2020, and anticipated to rise by an additional 10% in 2040.

The urban population in Thailand followed a distinct trajectory, starting at nearly 20% in 1970, gradually increasing to approximately 30% by 2020, and is projected to reach its lowest point in 2040 at 50%. Meanwhile, the Philippines displayed fluctuations in urban population from 30% in 1970 to over 30% by 2020, with a slight anticipated increase beyond 30% by 2040.

In summary, Malaysia is expected to maintain its dominance in urban population among the countries studied, while Indonesia experiences a substantial increase, Thailand witnesses a decline, and the Philippines undergoes marginal growth in urban population over the analyzed period.

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