The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009. Write at least 150 words.
The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009. Write at least 150 words.
The line graph illustrates how many Iranian, Greek and Turkish students participated in Sheffield University from 2005 to 2009.
Overall, it is obvious that the quantity of students in Greek experienced a significant decrease; accordingly, ones of Iran increased dramatically. Moreover, the data for Turkish grew substantially.
Looking at this chart more detail, the number of students who studying in Iran reached 60 people in 2006. At the same period, ones of Turkey started at 20 students then grew to merely 50 persons. The year 2007 witnessed a plummet to around 70 students who studying in Greek.
Turning to these details remaining, the figure for Turkish students saw a surge with 121 people in 2009. The general trend was showed that the people who studying in Greek still remained stable at 70 students in the period of 1 year starting from 2007. At the end of period in the year 2009, the figure of those studying in Iran was 140 people, twice as much as Greece
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the quantity of students in Greek" -> "the number of Greek students"
Explanation: "Quantity" is often used for uncountable nouns, while "number" is more appropriate for countable nouns like "students." Additionally, placing "Greek" before "students" clarifies the subject. -
"ones of Iran increased dramatically" -> "the number of Iranian students increased dramatically"
Explanation: "Ones" is vague and informal; specifying "the number of Iranian students" provides clarity and maintains an academic tone. -
"the data for Turkish grew substantially" -> "the number of Turkish students increased significantly"
Explanation: "Data" is typically plural and refers to information rather than individuals. "Number of Turkish students" is more precise, and "increased significantly" is a more formal expression than "grew substantially." -
"Looking at this chart more detail" -> "Examining this chart in more detail"
Explanation: "Looking at" is informal; "examining" is more academic. The phrase "in more detail" is also clearer than "more detail." -
"who studying in Iran" -> "who were studying in Iran"
Explanation: The correct verb form is needed for grammatical accuracy. "Were studying" indicates the past continuous tense. -
"At the same period" -> "During the same period"
Explanation: "During" is the correct preposition to indicate a timeframe, making the phrase more precise. -
"then grew to merely 50 persons" -> "and then increased to only 50 students"
Explanation: "Grew" can be vague; "increased" is more formal. "Merely" can sound dismissive, while "only" is more neutral. "Persons" is less common in this context; "students" is more appropriate. -
"witnessed a plummet to around 70 students who studying in Greek" -> "experienced a decline to approximately 70 Greek students"
Explanation: "Witnessed a plummet" is informal; "experienced a decline" is more academic. "Approximately" is a more precise term than "around," and "who studying" should be corrected to "students." -
"Turning to these details remaining" -> "Turning to the remaining details"
Explanation: "These details remaining" is awkward; "the remaining details" is clearer and more grammatically correct. -
"the general trend was showed that the people who studying in Greek still remained stable" -> "the general trend showed that the number of Greek students remained stable"
Explanation: "Was showed" is incorrect; "showed" is the correct past tense. "The people who studying" should be corrected to "the number of Greek students." -
"in the period of 1 year starting from 2007" -> "over the one-year period starting in 2007"
Explanation: "In the period of 1 year" is awkward; "over the one-year period" is more concise and formal. -
"At the end of period in the year 2009" -> "At the end of the period in 2009"
Explanation: "The end of period" is missing an article; "the period" is necessary for grammatical correctness. -
"the figure of those studying in Iran was 140 people" -> "the number of students studying in Iran was 140"
Explanation: "Figure" can be vague; "number of students" is clearer. "People" is less specific than "students." -
"twice as much as Greece" -> "twice as many as the number of Greek students"
Explanation: "Much" is used for uncountable nouns, while "many" is appropriate for countable nouns like "students." This change clarifies the comparison.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the data provided is not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the number of Iranian students reached 60 in 2006, but the graph shows that the number was closer to 70.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of Iranian students increased steadily from 2005 to 2009, while the number of Greek students decreased steadily over the same period. The essay could also provide more specific details about the changes in the number of students from each country. For example, the essay could state that the number of Iranian students increased by approximately 80 between 2005 and 2009.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and sometimes inaccurate, which detracts from the overall coherence. For instance, phrases like "the quantity of students in Greek experienced a significant decrease" are vague and could be articulated more clearly. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some sentences feeling disjointed rather than logically connected.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring paragraphs with distinct central topics. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that all references are clear and accurate will aid in maintaining logical progression throughout the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will improve the overall quality of the writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to use some less common terms, such as "illustrates" and "plummet," there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the quantity of students in Greek" (should be "Greek students") and "the general trend was showed" (should be "the general trend showed"). Additionally, there are several grammatical issues, including incorrect verb forms ("who studying" should be "who were studying"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader, impacting overall clarity.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary range and improve accuracy in word choice and collocation. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common vocabulary in context can help. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and ensuring proper verb forms will improve clarity. Reading high-quality essays or articles can also provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("who studying" instead of "who studied"), and issues with punctuation and word choice ("ones of Iran" instead of "those from Iran"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While the overall communication of the data is present, the inaccuracies detract from the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:
- Variety of Structures: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
- Accuracy: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly verb forms and subject-verb agreement, to ensure clarity and precision.
- Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to enhance readability and coherence.
- Word Choice: Use more appropriate vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively, avoiding awkward phrases.
Practicing these elements will help improve the overall grammatical range and accuracy of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The line graph illustrates the number of Iranian, Greek, and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University from 2005 to 2009.
Overall, it is evident that the number of Greek students experienced a significant decrease, while the figures for Iranian students increased dramatically. Moreover, the data for Turkish students grew substantially.
Looking at this chart in more detail, the number of students from Iran reached 60 in 2006. During the same period, the number of Turkish students started at 20 and then grew to just 50. The year 2007 witnessed a plummet to around 70 students from Greece.
Turning to the remaining details, the figure for Turkish students saw a surge, reaching 121 in 2009. The general trend indicated that the number of Greek students remained stable at 70 for the year starting from 2007. By the end of the period in 2009, the number of Iranian students was 140, which was twice as much as that of Greek students.
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