The line graph illustrates the number of visitors in millions to a particular region for three different purposes: business, holiday, and meeting friends and relatives over a period from 1989 to 2009. Discuss the trends shown in the graph

The line graph demonstrates how many visitors traveled to a particular region for three divergent purposes: business, holiday, and meeting friends and relatives over the course of 20 years starting in 1989.
Looking at the graph, it is clear that while the visiting rates for business and meeting friends and relatives initially experienced an upward trend before declining in early 2000s, a relative fluctuation was seen in the visiting rates for holidays. Throughout the period, the number of visitors to holiday registered the highest visiting figures out of all 3 groups examined.
In 1989, the visiting ratios to business were approximately 5 in millions. This figure dropped slightly to 4 in million between 1989 and 1994 before surging to approximately 8 in million by 2009. A completely similar pattern was witnessed in the visiting rates to meeting friends and relatives, starting at around 3.5 in million in 1989 and increasing significantly to 7 in million by the end of the period. However, the number of visitors traveled for 2 purposes: business and meeting friends and relatives experienced a gradual decrease, 7 and 6 in million individually.
The purpose of the holiday maintained the highest level of visiting rates over the period. Beginning with 6.5 visitors in millions in 1989, the rate showed little variation by 1994, followed by a considerable rise to 9 visitors in million before falling to about 6.5 visitors in millions which was the same as the initial position. However, this figure resurged to 9 visitors in million, continuing to hold the highest rate over all groups.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph demonstrates" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise term in academic writing, as it specifically refers to the act of presenting information visually, which is more appropriate for describing graphs.
"divergent purposes" -> "distinct purposes"
Explanation: "Divergent" typically implies moving in different directions, which is not the correct connotation here. "Distinct" better describes the different categories of purposes.
"visiting rates" -> "number of visitors"
Explanation: "Visiting rates" is somewhat ambiguous and less precise. "Number of visitors" is clearer and more direct, providing a more accurate representation of the data.
"a relative fluctuation was seen" -> "a fluctuation occurred"
Explanation: "A relative fluctuation" is redundant. "A fluctuation occurred" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"the visiting ratios to business" -> "the number of business visitors"
Explanation: "Visiting ratios" is an unclear and awkward phrase. "The number of business visitors" is straightforward and easy to understand.
"approximately 5 in millions" -> "approximately 5 million"
Explanation: "In millions" is redundant when used with "in." Simply stating "5 million" is more direct and avoids redundancy.
"dropped slightly to 4 in million" -> "decreased to approximately 4 million"
Explanation: "Dropped slightly" is informal and vague. "Decreased" is more precise and formal, and "approximately" is added to acknowledge the rounding error in the data.
"surging to approximately 8 in million" -> "increasing to approximately 8 million"
Explanation: "Surging" is an informal term and can imply a sudden, dramatic change. "Increasing" is more neutral and suitable for academic writing.
"A completely similar pattern was witnessed" -> "A similar pattern was observed"
Explanation: "Completely" is redundant when used with "similar," and "witnessed" is less formal than "observed," which is preferred in academic contexts.
"the number of visitors traveled" -> "the number of visitors traveled"
Explanation: This is a grammatical error. The verb "traveled" should be in the correct tense to match the past context.
"experienced a gradual decrease" -> "experienced a gradual decline"
Explanation: "Decrease" is a more common term in this context, but "decline" is more precise and formal, fitting better in academic writing.
"maintained the highest level of visiting rates" -> "remained the highest in visiting rates"
Explanation: "Maintained" implies a consistent effort, which is not the intended meaning here. "Remained" accurately describes the continued high level of visiting rates.
"showed little variation" -> "remained relatively constant"
Explanation: "Showed little variation" is somewhat informal and vague. "Remained relatively constant" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"resurged to 9 visitors in million" -> "increased to 9 million"
Explanation: "Resurged" is an uncommon term and may be confusing. "Increased" is straightforward and commonly used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in the graph. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay recounts details mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features/bullet points of the graph, rather than focusing on details. The essay should also avoid recounting details mechanically. The essay should be written in a more concise and informative style.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information and ideas, with a clear overall progression. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are instances of mechanical cohesion and some unclear referencing. Paragraphing is present but not always logical, which affects the overall clarity of the essay. The central topics within paragraphs are identifiable, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally and ensuring that referencing is clear and appropriate. Additionally, organizing paragraphs around a single main idea with clearer topic sentences would strengthen the overall structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "divergent," "fluctuation," and "surging," which shows some awareness of lexical variety. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "visiting ratios" and "visiting figures," which can lead to confusion. Additionally, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, such as "the number of visitors traveled for 2 purposes," which detracts from the overall clarity. Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying expressions can help avoid repetition and improve clarity. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and refining awkward phrases will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay. Expanding the use of sophisticated vocabulary while maintaining naturalness will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While there are some effective uses of complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the visiting ratios to business were approximately 5 in millions" and "the number of visitors traveled for 2 purposes" reflect inaccuracies in grammar and word choice. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as inconsistent use of "in million" and "in millions," which can confuse the reader. Overall, the essay communicates the trends but lacks the level of accuracy and control expected in higher bands.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Practice using subordinate clauses effectively to add depth to your writing.
Focus on Grammatical Accuracy: Review common grammatical structures and ensure that subject-verb agreement and noun phrases are correctly formed. Pay attention to singular and plural forms, especially when discussing figures.
Refine Punctuation: Ensure consistent and correct use of punctuation throughout the essay. Familiarize yourself with the rules regarding commas, periods, and conjunctions to improve the overall flow of your writing.
Clarify Word Choice: Use precise vocabulary to convey your ideas more clearly. Avoid vague phrases and ensure that terms like "in millions" are used consistently to enhance clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

Looking at the graph, it is clear that while the visiting rates for business and meeting friends and relatives initially experienced an upward trend before declining in the early 2000s, a relative fluctuation was observed in the visiting rates for holidays. Throughout the period, the number of visitors for holidays registered the highest figures among all three groups examined.

In 1989, the number of visitors for business was approximately 5 million. This figure dropped slightly to 4 million between 1989 and 1994 before surging to approximately 8 million by 2009. A similar pattern was witnessed in the visiting rates for meeting friends and relatives, starting at around 3.5 million in 1989 and increasing significantly to 7 million by the end of the period. However, the number of visitors traveling for the two purposes—business and meeting friends and relatives—experienced a gradual decrease, reaching 7 million and 6 million, respectively.

The purpose of holidays maintained the highest level of visiting rates throughout the period. Beginning with 6.5 million visitors in 1989, the rate showed little variation by 1994, followed by a considerable rise to 9 million before falling back to about 6.5 million, which was the same as the initial figure. However, this number resurged to 9 million, continuing to hold the highest rate among all groups.