the line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph illustrates how many New Zealander divided into 4 age group between 1950 and 2050
Overall, there was an increase in the number of people in the 38-45 aged group and the youngest age group (0-14 age), while the opposite trend was seen in the figure for people aged 25- 37 and over 65. In addition, the 38-45 age group saw the most significant shift over time
The share of the 65+ age group started at 60%, after which it saw a slight increase to peak at 70% before being anticipated to decline dramatically to around 55% in 2050. Similarly, the figure for the 38-45 age group witnessed an upward trend from about 25% in the first year to 40% in 2000 and it later predicted to level off towards the end of the period.

Over 20% of people aged 25-37 in New Zealand compared to half of the population in the oldest age group, with a subsequent decrease marginally to 10% and it continued to likely to drop to closely 0% in the future.Meanwhile, the percentage of the youngest age category grew from 5% to 10% in 2000 and anticipated to surpass the figure for people aged 25-37 group to reach a peak of 20% in 2050

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"New Zealander" -> "New Zealanders"
Explanation: "New Zealanders" is the correct plural form to refer to the people of New Zealand, ensuring grammatical accuracy.
"divided into 4 age group" -> "divided into four age groups"
Explanation: The number "4" should be written out as "four" in formal writing, and "age groups" should be plural to match the context of multiple categories.
"the youngest age group (0-14 age)" -> "the youngest age group (ages 0-14)"
Explanation: "Ages 0-14" is a more precise and conventional way to express the age range, improving clarity.
"the opposite trend was seen in the figure for people aged 25-37 and over 65" -> "the opposite trend was observed in the data for individuals aged 25-37 and those over 65"
Explanation: "Observed" is more formal than "seen," and "data" is a more precise term than "figure." Additionally, "individuals" and "those" enhance the academic tone.
"the most significant shift over time" -> "the most substantial change over the observed period"
Explanation: "Substantial" is a more formal synonym for "significant," and "observed period" specifies the timeframe, enhancing clarity.
"the share of the 65+ age group started at 60%, after which it saw a slight increase to peak at 70% before being anticipated to decline dramatically to around 55% in 2050" -> "the proportion of the 65+ age group began at 60%, followed by a slight increase to a peak of 70%, before a projected dramatic decline to approximately 55% by 2050"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "share," and "began" is a more formal alternative to "started." "Projected" is a more academic term than "anticipated," and "approximately" is more precise than "around."
"the figure for the 38-45 age group witnessed an upward trend from about 25% in the first year to 40% in 2000 and it later predicted to level off towards the end of the period" -> "the data for the 38-45 age group exhibited an upward trend from approximately 25% in the initial year to 40% in 2000, and it is subsequently projected to level off toward the end of the period"
Explanation: "Data" is a more formal term than "figure," and "exhibited" is a more academic verb than "witnessed." "Approximately" and "initial year" enhance precision, while "is subsequently projected" maintains formality.
"Over 20% of people aged 25-37 in New Zealand compared to half of the population in the oldest age group" -> "More than 20% of individuals aged 25-37 in New Zealand were compared to approximately half of the population in the oldest age group"
Explanation: "More than" is more precise than "over," and "individuals" is a more formal term than "people." "Were compared" clarifies the comparison being made.
"with a subsequent decrease marginally to 10% and it continued to likely to drop to closely 0% in the future" -> "with a subsequent marginal decrease to 10%, and it is expected to decline to nearly 0% in the future"
Explanation: "Marginal decrease" is clearer and more formal than "decrease marginally," and "is expected" is more precise than "continued to likely." "Nearly" is more accurate than "closely."
"the percentage of the youngest age category grew from 5% to 10% in 2000 and anticipated to surpass the figure for people aged 25-37 group to reach a peak of 20% in 2050" -> "the percentage of the youngest age category increased from 5% to 10% in 2000 and is projected to surpass the proportion of individuals aged 25-37, reaching a peak of 20% by 2050"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more formal term than "grew," and "projected" is more precise than "anticipated." "Proportion" is a more formal term than "figure," and "by 2050" clarifies the timeframe.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the line graph. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, and the information is not always appropriately selected. For example, the essay states that the share of the 65+ age group started at 60%, but the graph shows that it started at around 55%. The essay also states that the figure for the 38-45 age group witnessed an upward trend from about 25% in the first year to 40% in 2000, but the graph shows that it started at around 20% and peaked at around 45%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the line graph. The essay should also be more accurate in its reporting of the data. For example, the essay should state that the share of the 65+ age group started at around 55%, not 60%. The essay should also state that the figure for the 38-45 age group started at around 20% and peaked at around 45%, not 25% and 40%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to summarize the trends in the population data, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which contributes to a disjointed reading experience. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some ideas not clearly separated or logically organized.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that outline the main idea. The use of cohesive devices should be more varied and appropriate, ensuring that they effectively link ideas without redundancy. Improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs will also help in presenting a more cohesive argument. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are clearly defined and focused on a single topic will aid in overall clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While there are attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "illustrates" and "anticipated," the overall lexical choice is basic and at times repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word formation and spelling, such as "New Zealander" (should be "New Zealanders"), "aged group" (should be "age group"), and "closely 0%" (should be "close to 0%"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and varied word choices. Additionally, focusing on correct word forms and collocations will improve clarity. Incorporating less common lexical items accurately and minimizing spelling errors will also contribute to a higher score. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures can help develop a more flexible and precise use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity, such as "how many New Zealander divided into 4 age group" (should be "how many New Zealanders are divided into 4 age groups") and "the youngest age group (0-14 age)" (should be "the youngest age group (0-14 years)"). However, the overall meaning is still communicated effectively, which aligns with the Band 6 descriptor.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Grammatical Accuracy: Aim for more error-free sentences by proofreading for common grammatical mistakes and ensuring subject-verb agreement.
Variety of Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance the overall grammatical range.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to improve clarity and coherence in the writing.
Clarity and Cohesion: Ensure that comparisons and trends are clearly articulated, which may involve rephrasing some sentences for better flow.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the distribution of the New Zealand population across four age groups from 1950 to 2050. Overall, there was an increase in the number of individuals in the 38-45 age group and the youngest age group (0-14 years), while a contrasting trend was observed for those aged 25-37 and over 65. Additionally, the 38-45 age group experienced the most significant change over time.

The proportion of the 65+ age group started at 60%, followed by a slight increase that peaked at 70%, before being projected to decline dramatically to around 55% by 2050. Similarly, the percentage of the 38-45 age group exhibited an upward trend, rising from approximately 25% in 1950 to 40% in 2000, and it is later expected to stabilize towards the end of the period.

In contrast, over 20% of the population was aged 25-37 in 1950, compared to half of the population in the oldest age group. This figure is anticipated to decrease marginally to 10% and is likely to drop to nearly 0% in the future. Meanwhile, the percentage of the youngest age category grew from 5% to 10% in 2000 and is expected to surpass the figure for the 25-37 age group, reaching a peak of 20% by 2050.