The map below describes changes to a park in 1980 and now.

The diagrams illustrate how a park has transformed from 1980 to the present day.
Overall, the park has been equipped with more amenities and there has been some relocations of green spaces. Moreover, more branches from the main road have been opened leading to different areas inside the park.
In 1980, access to the park was limited with two gates positioned on the west and south side. A bunch of flowers were grown in the south-east corner, opposite the trees in the north. Another row of flowers was grown in the south-west corner, near a pond surrounded by three benches. There was only a one-way path around the area.
Now, they have opened a picnic area near the forest, with the addition of chairs, desks and barbecue. Flowers in the bottom right corner of the park has been cleared away to make room for a new playground. A bush is planted in place of flowers in the south-west corner, and a new bench is installed to the left of the pond, adding up to four benches in total.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The diagrams illustrate how a park has transformed from 1980 to the present day." -> "The diagrams depict the transformation of the park from 1980 to the present day."
Explanation: "Depict" is more precise and formal than "illustrate," and the phrase "the transformation of the park" clarifies the subject more effectively than "how a park has transformed."
"more amenities" -> "additional amenities"
Explanation: "Additional" is more precise and formal than "more," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"there has been some relocations of green spaces" -> "there have been some relocations of green spaces"
Explanation: "There have been" corrects the verb tense to match the past context described in the diagrams.
"branches from the main road have been opened leading to different areas inside the park" -> "new pathways have been opened leading to various areas within the park"
Explanation: "New pathways" is more specific than "branches," and "various areas within the park" is more precise and formal than "different areas inside the park."
"A bunch of flowers were grown" -> "a variety of flowers were cultivated"
Explanation: "A variety of flowers were cultivated" is more formal and precise than "a bunch of flowers were grown," which is colloquial and imprecise.
"opposite the trees in the north" -> "adjacent to the trees in the north"
Explanation: "Adjacent to" is more precise and formal than "opposite," which can be ambiguous in this context.
"Another row of flowers was grown" -> "Another row of flowers was planted"
Explanation: "Planted" is the correct verb for describing the action of putting flowers in the ground, whereas "grown" implies natural growth.
"There was only a one-way path around the area" -> "The area was encircled by a single path"
Explanation: "The area was encircled by a single path" is more formal and descriptive than "There was only a one-way path around the area."
"Now, they have opened a picnic area" -> "Currently, a picnic area has been established"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal than "Now," and "has been established" is more precise than "has opened," which could imply a temporary setup.
"with the addition of chairs, desks and barbecue" -> "featuring chairs, desks, and barbecue facilities"
Explanation: "Featuring" is more formal than "with the addition of," and "barbecue facilities" is a more specific and formal term than "barbecue."
"Flowers in the bottom right corner of the park has been cleared away" -> "The flowers in the bottom-right corner of the park have been cleared"
Explanation: Corrects the subject-verb agreement error and uses "bottom-right" for consistency in spatial description.
"A bush is planted in place of flowers" -> "A bush has been planted in place of the flowers"
Explanation: "Has been planted" corrects the tense to match the past context, and "the flowers" clarifies the subject.
"adding up to four benches in total" -> "resulting in a total of four benches"
Explanation: "Resulting in" is more formal and precise than "adding up to," which is somewhat colloquial.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the changes to the park, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "flowers in the bottom right corner of the park has been cleared away to make room for a new playground," but the image shows that the flowers were already cleared away in 1980.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more accurate and detailed description of the changes to the park. The essay should also avoid making irrelevant or inaccurate statements. For example, the essay could state that the playground was added to the park in the present day, but it should not state that the flowers were cleared away to make room for the playground.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression from the description of the park in 1980 to its current state. The use of cohesive devices is generally effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical. For example, the transition from describing the past to the present could be smoother. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical; the essay could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, particularly when discussing the changes in different areas of the park.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "Now," consider using phrases like "In the present day," or "Currently," to vary sentence structure.
Improve Paragraphing: Clearly separate the description of the park in 1980 from the current description. This could involve creating distinct paragraphs for each time period and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Refine Sentence Structure: Avoid mechanical cohesion by varying sentence structures and using more complex sentences where appropriate. This will help to make the essay flow more naturally.
Clarify Changes: Be more explicit about the changes that have occurred, ensuring that each change is clearly linked to the corresponding time period. This will help to enhance the logical progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use some less common lexical items, such as "amenities," "relocations," and "barbecue," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "a bunch of flowers were grown" (which should be "was grown") and "flowers in the bottom right corner of the park has been cleared away" (which should be "have been cleared away"). Additionally, there are some errors in word formation and spelling that, while they do not impede overall communication, indicate a need for improvement in control and accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes ensuring subject-verb agreement and correct word forms. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also help convey ideas more fluently and flexibly. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would strengthen the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While there are some grammatical errors, such as "has been cleared away" (should be "have been cleared away") and "a bush is planted" (should be "a bush was planted"), these errors do not significantly impede communication. The overall structure is coherent, and the writer manages to convey the changes in the park effectively.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures. Additionally, reducing grammatical errors and ensuring subject-verb agreement would enhance the accuracy of the writing. Incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that they are error-free would also contribute to a stronger performance in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagrams illustrate how a park has transformed from 1980 to the present day. Overall, the park has been equipped with more amenities, and there have been some relocations of green spaces. Moreover, additional branches from the main road have been opened, leading to different areas inside the park.

In 1980, access to the park was limited, with two gates positioned on the west and south sides. A cluster of flowers was grown in the south-east corner, opposite the trees in the north. Another row of flowers was cultivated in the south-west corner, near a pond surrounded by three benches. There was only a one-way path around the area.

Now, a picnic area has been established near the forest, featuring chairs, tables, and a barbecue. The flowers in the bottom right corner of the park have been cleared away to make room for a new playground. A bush has been planted in place of the flowers in the south-west corner, and a new bench has been installed to the left of the pond, bringing the total number of benches to four.