The maps below give information about a plan to redevelop an industrial site

Provided are the maps illustrating the Islip town changed after some developments over a period of five years.

Overall, it is obviously observed that the town totally transformed in a number of different ways. It became a modern town

At present, the industrial site is surrounded by Chimney Road, Pie Walk, Swallow Street and Toe Land; however, workers can only go to the industrial site through the entrance and reception on Chimney Road in the North of the map. Moreover, when they come inside, they can park their car in the parking on the left-hand side of the map, right below is the storage. In the north of the map, there is a office building with canteen while the factory is in the east of the industrial site. Eventually, there is a yard in the middle of the map.

After the redevelopment for the future, four roads will be remained unchanged. However, the parking and the storage will be demolished to make way for the 3 bedroom house and the 4 bedroom house. Similarly, the entrance, the reception and the yard tend to be knocked down and they will be replaced by three 2 bedroom houses and the communal garden. The garden will be surrounded by three private roads whereas the office building and the factory tend to be transformed into the parking garages and the apartment with parking area.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Provided are the maps illustrating" -> "The maps provided illustrate"
Explanation: "The maps provided illustrate" uses a more conventional word order, improving readability and formal tone.
"changed after some developments" -> "changes following several developments"
Explanation: "Changes following several developments" offers a more precise description of the transformation and uses more formal vocabulary.
"it is obviously observed" -> "it is evident"
Explanation: "It is evident" simplifies and refines the phrasing, enhancing the academic tone by removing redundancy.
"totally transformed" -> "completely transformed"
Explanation: "Completely" is often preferred in formal contexts over "totally" to describe thorough or absolute changes.
"surrounded by" -> "bounded by"
Explanation: "Bounded by" is a more specific term in the context of geographical descriptions, implying clear delimitation by boundaries.
"workers can only go to" -> "workers have access to"
Explanation: "Workers have access to" is a more formal way to describe the ability to enter an area, aligning better with technical descriptions.
"come inside" -> "enter"
Explanation: "Enter" is more formal and appropriate in descriptions involving maps and spatial arrangements.
"park their car in the parking" -> "park their vehicles in the designated parking area"
Explanation: "Park their vehicles in the designated parking area" is more specific and formal, and the plural "vehicles" accommodates more than just cars.
"right below is the storage" -> "directly beneath is the storage facility"
Explanation: "Directly beneath is the storage facility" offers a clearer and more precise location description with "facility" adding specificity to the type of storage.
"a office building" -> "an office building"
Explanation: "An office building" corrects the grammatical error of using "a" instead of "an" before a word starting with a vowel sound.
"with canteen" -> "featuring a cantean"
Explanation: "Featuring a canteen" provides a more formal description of amenities included within a building.
"will be remained unchanged" -> "will remain unchanged"
Explanation: "Will remain unchanged" corrects the verb tense and redundancy, using the future simple tense appropriately.
"tend to be knocked down" -> "are slated to be demolished"
Explanation: "Are slated to be demolished" uses a more formal and precise term for planned demolitions in construction and redevelopment contexts.
"will be replaced by" -> "are to be replaced with"
Explanation: "Are to be replaced with" provides a clearer indication of future plans, aligning with formal project descriptions.
"surrounded by three private roads" -> "encircled by three private roads"
Explanation: "Encircled by" is a more precise term for describing something completely surrounded, enhancing the description’s accuracy and formality.
"tend to be transformed into" -> "are to be converted into"
Explanation: "Are to be converted into" is more specific and formal, suitable for describing changes in the use of buildings.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the changes to the industrial site over a five-year period. It presents an overview with information appropriately selected, such as the current layout of the site and the proposed redevelopment plans. Key features, such as the locations of buildings and roads, are highlighted but could be more fully extended. While the essay generally covers the main points, some details may be irrelevant or unclear, such as the mention of "Toe Land" and the lack of clarity regarding the transformations of certain buildings.

How to improve:
To improve, provide clearer and more detailed descriptions of the changes to the industrial site, ensuring relevance and accuracy. Clarify any unclear terms or details, and expand on the proposed redevelopment plans to provide a more comprehensive understanding of the transformation. Additionally, ensure coherence and cohesion in the presentation of information to enhance the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents some organization by describing the current state of the industrial site and outlining the proposed changes. There is an attempt to introduce the topic and provide an overview of the changes. However, there are issues with coherence and cohesion. The progression of ideas is somewhat lacking, as the essay jumps between describing the current state and the proposed changes without a clear flow. Additionally, there is a lack of cohesive devices, and the transition between sentences and ideas is not smooth. The use of language is somewhat repetitive, and there are instances of unclear referencing.

How to improve:

Logical Organization: Ensure a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed, followed by body paragraphs that delve into each aspect in a logical sequence, and conclude with a summary or conclusion.
Cohesive Devices: Use a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to connect sentences and ideas smoothly. This will help the essay flow more coherently.
Avoid Repetition: Try to vary sentence structure and vocabulary to avoid repetition. This will make the essay more engaging and improve clarity.
Clear Referencing: Ensure that references to locations or elements on the maps are clear and consistent throughout the essay. This will help readers follow the description more easily.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition ("industrial site," "map," "town"). There are also noticeable errors in word formation and spelling ("Pie Walk" instead of "Pye Walk," "Toe Land" instead of "Toeland"). While some attempts are made to use descriptive language ("modern town," "redevelopment for the future"), the vocabulary lacks sophistication and variety. Additionally, the essay lacks precision in conveying meanings, with some unclear descriptions of locations and changes.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise terms related to urban development and transformation. They should also pay attention to accurate spelling and word formation. Further, enhancing the fluency and flexibility of vocabulary usage can contribute to a higher band score. Reading more academic or descriptive texts related to urban planning and development could help expand the writer’s lexical range and improve their proficiency in conveying complex ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and some complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, which sometimes make the meaning unclear or cause difficulty for the reader. The essay lacks consistency in grammatical accuracy and punctuation.

How to improve: To improve, focus on using a wider range of grammatical structures with greater accuracy. Pay attention to punctuation rules, especially in complex sentences, to ensure clarity and coherence. Practice writing more complex sentences to enhance fluency and grammatical control.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided maps depict the transformation of Islip town following a series of developments over a five-year period.

Overall, it is evident that the town underwent significant changes, resulting in its modernization.

Initially, the industrial site is enclosed by Chimney Road, Pie Walk, Swallow Street, and Toe Land. Access to the site is limited to the entrance and reception located on Chimney Road in the northern section of the map. Parking facilities are available on the left-hand side of the map, adjacent to the storage area. An office building with a canteen is situated in the northern region, while the factory is positioned to the east. Additionally, a yard is located in the center of the map.

Following the redevelopment plans, four roads will remain unchanged. However, the parking and storage facilities will be removed to accommodate the construction of three-bedroom and four-bedroom houses. Similarly, the entrance, reception, and yard will be demolished and replaced with three two-bedroom houses and a communal garden. The garden will be encircled by three private roads. Furthermore, the office building and factory will undergo transformation into parking garages and apartments with parking spaces.