The maps below show the changes that have been made in the town of Thompson from 1950 to 2010.
The maps below show the changes that have been made in the town of Thompson
from 1950 to 2010.
The two maps illustrate the development of Thompson’s town between
1950 and 2010.
Overall, the town of Thompson witnessed radical changes with the most
noticeable being the replacement of the mill for Lucas Mansions. Additionally,
there was also the erection of some facilities such as shops and buildings.
On both sides of Johnson Avenue, in 1950, there were two row housings;
after 60 years, Johnson apartment buildings were constructed on the left-hand side.
East of the first map, there was one shop on the left-hand side of the cafeteria.
However, the relocation and expansion of the shops has significantly changed,
which were located to the South-east and on the new connected alley and the
number of ones increased to three shops in 2010. Additionally, the coffee and
cafeteria are removed to the north-east.
In 1950, on both sides of Lucas street, there were 2 grasses and then
they were cleared out. Besides, two factory rows are also located on both sides of
this street, however , they are pulled down to build the new architectures. On the
south of Lucas street, a mill on the sand field was demolished to make way for
Lucas Mansions. The transport system, which had a train line and train worker’s
housing on unusable land, but in 2010, they were knocked down and added to
Thompson park. It has a fish pond, children’s playground and a lot of trees.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The two maps illustrate the development of Thompson’s town between 1950 and 2010." -> "The two maps depict the evolution of Thompson’s town from 1950 to 2010."
Explanation: Replacing "illustrate" with "depict" and changing "development" to "evolution" refines the academic tone and enhances the precision of the description, aligning it with formal language standards. -
"radical changes" -> "significant transformations"
Explanation: "Radical" can imply extreme or drastic changes, which might be too strong for a descriptive context. "Significant transformations" maintains a neutral tone while emphasizing the extent of change. -
"the replacement of the mill for Lucas Mansions" -> "the replacement of the mill with Lucas Mansions"
Explanation: Adding "with" corrects the prepositional error, ensuring grammatical accuracy and clarity. -
"there was also the erection of some facilities" -> "there was also the construction of various facilities"
Explanation: Replacing "erection" with "construction" corrects the misuse of the word, which typically refers to the act of building something upright, like a building or monument. "Various" is more precise than "some," indicating a range of facilities. -
"Johnson Avenue" -> "Johnson Avenue’s"
Explanation: Adding the possessive apostrophe to "Johnson Avenue" corrects the grammatical structure, making it clear that the description refers to the avenue itself. -
"Johnson apartment buildings were constructed" -> "Johnson apartment buildings were erected"
Explanation: "Erected" is the correct verb for the construction of buildings, aligning with the formal and precise language expected in academic writing. -
"the relocation and expansion of the shops has significantly changed" -> "the relocation and expansion of the shops have significantly changed"
Explanation: Correcting "has" to "have" aligns the verb with the plural subject "shops," ensuring grammatical accuracy. -
"were located to the South-east" -> "were relocated to the southeast"
Explanation: "Relocated" is the correct term for moving something to a new location, and "southeast" should be hyphenated for proper geographical accuracy. -
"the coffee and cafeteria are removed" -> "the coffee shop and cafeteria were removed"
Explanation: Adding "shop" clarifies the type of coffee establishment, and changing "are" to "were" corrects the verb tense to match the past context. -
"they were cleared out" -> "they were cleared"
Explanation: Removing "out" simplifies the phrase and maintains a more formal tone, avoiding redundancy. -
"two factory rows are also located on both sides of this street, however, they are pulled down" -> "two factory rows were also situated on both sides of this street, however, they were demolished"
Explanation: "Situated" is more formal than "located," and "demolished" is more precise than "pulled down," which is informal. Also, correcting the comma after "however" to a semicolon improves the sentence structure. -
"a mill on the sand field was demolished" -> "a mill situated on a sand field was demolished"
Explanation: "Situated" is more formal than "on," and adding "a" before "sand field" corrects the article usage. -
"added to Thompson park" -> "incorporated into Thompson Park"
Explanation: "Incorporated into" is a more precise and formal phrase than "added to," and capitalizing "Park" follows standard naming conventions for geographic locations. -
"It has a fish pond, children’s playground and a lot of trees." -> "It features a fish pond, a children’s playground, and numerous trees."
Explanation: "Features" is more formal than "has," and "numerous" is more precise than "a lot of," which is too informal for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the changes in Thompson between 1950 and 2010. It identifies the key features of the changes, such as the replacement of the mill with Lucas Mansions, the construction of apartment buildings, and the relocation and expansion of shops. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the coffee and cafeteria were removed to the north-east, but the cafeteria remains in the same location.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed information about the changes, such as the number of shops that were relocated and the size of the new apartment buildings. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant details, such as the mention of the grass on Lucas Street.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information about the changes in Thompson coherently, but there are notable issues with overall progression and organization. While some cohesive devices are used, they are often inadequate or repetitive, leading to a lack of clarity in certain areas. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay. For instance, the transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, and the relationships between sentences could be clearer.
How to improve:
- Enhance Overall Progression: Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Use clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and provide a logical sequence of information.
- Use Cohesive Devices Effectively: Aim to use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words, pronouns, synonyms) to connect ideas more smoothly and avoid repetition.
- Improve Paragraph Structure: Organize information into distinct paragraphs that each focus on a single aspect of the changes. For example, one paragraph could detail changes to Johnson Avenue, while another focuses on Lucas Street.
- Clarify References: Ensure that references to previous ideas or locations are clear and unambiguous to aid reader understanding.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, allowing for basic communication of the changes in Thompson. There are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "erection" and "demolished," but inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, there are several spelling and grammatical errors, such as "grasses" instead of "grass" and "architectures" instead of "architecture," which may cause some difficulty for the reader but do not completely impede understanding. Overall, the vocabulary used is functional but lacks the precision and sophistication required for higher band scores.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring the accuracy of word choice and collocation. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items in context can help improve flexibility. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will enhance clarity and professionalism. Engaging with a variety of texts can also help in acquiring more sophisticated vocabulary and understanding its appropriate usage.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some grammatical errors and punctuation issues present. While the overall meaning is generally clear, these errors occasionally hinder communication. The use of structures is adequate, but there are instances where the complexity of sentences does not translate into accuracy, such as in the phrases "the relocation and expansion of the shops has significantly changed" and "the coffee and cafeteria are removed to the north-east," which could be more clearly expressed.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:
- Complex Structures: Practice using a wider variety of complex sentence structures accurately. This includes ensuring that subordinate clauses are correctly formed and placed.
- Error Correction: Review and revise sentences to eliminate grammatical errors and improve punctuation. For example, ensure subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles.
- Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expression of ideas. For instance, rephrase sentences that are awkward or unclear to improve overall readability.
- Proofreading: Implement a proofreading stage to catch minor errors that may occur during writing, which can help in achieving a higher level of accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The two maps illustrate the development of Thompson’s town between 1950 and 2010. Overall, the town of Thompson witnessed radical changes, with the most noticeable being the replacement of the mill with Lucas Mansions. Additionally, several facilities such as shops and buildings were erected.
On both sides of Johnson Avenue in 1950, there were two rows of housing; after 60 years, Johnson apartment buildings were constructed on the left-hand side. To the east of the first map, there was one shop located to the left of the cafeteria. However, the relocation and expansion of the shops significantly changed, as they were moved to the southeast and situated on the newly connected alley, increasing the number of shops to three by 2010. Furthermore, the coffee shop and cafeteria were relocated to the northeast.
In 1950, on both sides of Lucas Street, there were two grassy areas, which were later cleared. Additionally, two rows of factories were located on both sides of this street; however, they were demolished to make way for new buildings. To the south of Lucas Street, a mill on the sand field was demolished to make way for Lucas Mansions. The transport system, which included a train line and workers’ housing on unusable land, was also removed by 2010 and incorporated into Thompson Park. This park features a fish pond, a children’s playground, and numerous trees.
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