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The maps below show the Happy Valley Shopping Center in 1982 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The maps below show the Happy Valley Shopping Center in 1982 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The two maps illustrate significant changes Happy Valley Shopping Center had undergone since 1982 to 2012.
Overall, as can be seen from the map, this center had witnessed a mass transformation with the relocation and expansion of the building.
In 1982, there was only a main road lead to the entrance of the building. Focusing to the left side of the center, there was a lake surrounded by the trees. It is clear thst almost all stores and the entertainment area located to the center of the building.
After 30 years, a new funiture retail store was added, replacing the old lake in the West of the map. In addition, ther was a parking place has been built in the bottom left-hand corner of the map where the primary road was used to be


 

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. “significant changes Happy Valley Shopping Center had undergone” -> “significant transformations that occurred at Happy Valley Shopping Center”
    Explanation: Replacing “changes” with “transformations” adds depth to the description, emphasizing the substantial nature of the alterations. Using “occurred at” instead of “had undergone” simplifies the sentence structure.
  2. “this center had witnessed a mass transformation” -> “this center underwent a substantial transformation”
    Explanation: Replacing “had witnessed” with “underwent” streamlines the sentence. “Mass transformation” could be refined to “substantial transformation” for a more precise description.
  3. “there was only a main road lead to the entrance” -> “there was only one main road leading to the entrance”
    Explanation: Using “one main road” instead of “a main road” enhances clarity. “Lead” should be “leading” for proper tense consistency.
  4. “Focusing to the left side of the center” -> “Focusing on the left side of the center”
    Explanation: The correct preposition to indicate focus is “on,” not “to.”
  5. “It is clear thst almost all stores and the entertainment area located to the center of the building.” -> “It is evident that almost all stores and the entertainment area were situated in the center of the building.”
    Explanation: Correcting “thst” to “that” and restructuring the sentence for better clarity and accuracy.
  6. “a new funiture retail store was added” -> “a new furniture retail store was introduced”
    Explanation: Replacing “added” with “introduced” adds a sense of purposefulness to the action.
  7. “replacing the old lake in the West of the map” -> “replacing the former lake located in the western part of the map”
    Explanation: Using “former” instead of “old” adds specificity. Mentioning “western part of the map” enhances clarity.
  8. “In addition, ther was a parking place has been built” -> “Additionally, a parking area has been constructed”
    Explanation: “Parking place” could be refined to “parking area,” and “has been built” should be in the past tense as “has been” is redundant and incorrect in this context.

These improvements aim to refine vocabulary choices, enhance precision, and improve the overall clarity of the essay’s description of changes at the Happy Valley Shopping Center.

 

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0 – UNDER WORD

Explanation:
The essay attempts to address the task but falls short in adequately covering key features and providing a clear overview. The description lacks coherence and precision, with some inaccuracies and unclear statements. There is limited detail and insufficient comparison between the two maps.

How to improve:

  1. Structure and Clarity: Organize the essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on specific details or changes.
  2. Details and Comparison: Provide more specific details about the changes in the shopping center over time. Compare features from 1982 to 2012, emphasizing significant transformations.
  3. Grammar and Language Use: Improve grammar and language use for clarity. Review and correct spelling errors, and ensure proper sentence construction for a more coherent presentation.
  4. Word Count: Ensure that the essay meets the word count requirement. Elaborate on key points to provide a more comprehensive analysis of the maps.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The introduction provides a general overview but lacks clarity in outlining the main features and comparisons. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, leading to difficulties in following the essay’s flow. The reference to the map details is somewhat confusing, and there is a need for improved coherence within and between sentences.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a more structured essay. Begin with a clear introduction that outlines the main features and comparisons. Ensure a logical progression of ideas by organizing information chronologically or categorically. Use cohesive devices more effectively to connect sentences and ideas. Pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, consider paragraphing more logically to enhance the overall clarity of the response.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with several noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader. The use of vocabulary lacks variety and precision, and there are instances of inaccuracies, such as “fun iture” instead of “furniture” and “ther” instead of “there.” Additionally, some sentences lack clarity and coherence, impacting the overall lexical resource.

How to improve:

  1. Vocabulary Range: Expand your vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely. Use a wider range of words to avoid repetition.
  2. Spelling and Word Formation: Pay close attention to spelling and word formation to enhance the overall clarity of your essay. Proofread your work to catch and correct errors.
  3. Sentence Structure: Work on sentence structure and coherence. Ensure that each sentence contributes logically to the overall flow of the essay. Avoid abrupt transitions and provide more detailed descriptions for a clearer presentation of information.

Note: Improvements in these areas will contribute to a more effective and coherent expression of ideas, leading to a higher band score.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to convey the changes observed in the Happy Valley Shopping Center from 1982 to 2012. However, it suffers from multiple grammatical errors and lacks grammatical complexity. The essay contains several punctuation mistakes, incomplete sentences, and inaccuracies that hinder the overall communication and clarity of the content. The use of sentence structures is limited, and errors predominate throughout the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Focus on improving grammar accuracy and punctuation, especially with regards to sentence structure and clarity.
  2. Sentence Structure: Aim to diversify sentence structures and aim for a mix of simple and complex sentences to enhance clarity and coherence.
  3. Proofreading: Always proofread essays to rectify errors and improve the overall quality of writing. Additionally, seek feedback to identify and address recurring mistakes.

Improving grammatical accuracy, sentence structure variation, and paying attention to punctuation will significantly enhance the clarity and quality of the essay.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Introduction:
The provided maps illustrate the transformation undergone by the Happy Valley Shopping Center from 1982 to 2012. Overall, there have been significant changes in the center, including the relocation and expansion of the building.

Overview:
In 1982, the main entrance was accessible via a single road, and the center featured a central location for stores and entertainment. To the left, a lake was surrounded by trees. Notably, most stores and the entertainment area were concentrated towards the center of the building.

By 2012, substantial changes had occurred. The western section of the map, previously occupied by the lake, now housed a newly added furniture retail store. Furthermore, a parking area was developed in the bottom left-hand corner, replacing the original route of the main road.

Detailed Analysis:
In the initial map from 1982, the primary access to the shopping center was through a single road leading to the entrance. The left side of the center accommodated a prominent lake surrounded by trees, while the majority of stores and the entertainment area were situated towards the central part of the building.

Over the 30-year period, the most noteworthy alteration was the replacement of the lake with a furniture retail store in the western part of the center. This addition not only altered the landscape but also diversified the services provided by the shopping center.

Additionally, a parking area was constructed in the bottom left-hand corner of the 2012 map. This development not only served as a functional space for visitors but also marked a change in the layout from the original road configuration.

In conclusion, the Happy Valley Shopping Center experienced a substantial transformation from 1982 to 2012, as evidenced by the relocation of the main features and the introduction of new elements, such as the furniture retail store and parking area. These changes contributed to the overall enhancement and evolution of the shopping center.

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