The mas compares the development of Stokeford in 1930 with that in 2010.

From an overall perspective, this change changed completely over the period in question. As is illustrated, the most remarkable change was the disappearance of Farmland. Along the main road running across the land from the south to the north, many houses had been constructed and people also built many houses that connected other areas. Additionally, Gardens were made smaller. Followed by, the large house was converted into a retirement house with two new blocks added to it. It is important to note that people demolished shops in the center of the land to make way for a new street. In contrast, there was no change in terms of the post office. Besides that, the primary school was located opposite to the post office on the northeast of the land was expanded.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"this change changed completely" -> "this area underwent significant transformation"
Explanation: The phrase "this change changed completely" is repetitive and vague. "This area underwent significant transformation" provides clarity and specificity regarding the nature of the change.
"As is illustrated" -> "As illustrated"
Explanation: The phrase "As is illustrated" is unnecessarily verbose. "As illustrated" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"the disappearance of Farmland" -> "the reduction of farmland"
Explanation: "Disappearance" implies a complete vanishing, which may not accurately reflect the situation. "Reduction" suggests a decrease in size or quantity, which is more precise.
"many houses had been constructed and people also built many houses" -> "numerous houses were constructed, and additional residences were developed"
Explanation: The phrase "many houses" is vague and repetitive. "Numerous houses were constructed" is more formal, and "additional residences were developed" provides clarity and variety in language.
"Gardens were made smaller" -> "Gardens were reduced in size"
Explanation: "Made smaller" is informal and simplistic. "Reduced in size" is more precise and maintains an academic tone.
"Followed by, the large house was converted into a retirement house" -> "Subsequently, the large house was converted into a retirement facility"
Explanation: "Followed by" is awkward in this context. "Subsequently" is more appropriate for indicating a sequence of events, and "retirement facility" is a more formal term than "retirement house."
"demolished shops in the center of the land" -> "demolished shops in the town center"
Explanation: "Center of the land" is vague and lacks specificity. "Town center" is a more precise term that conveys the intended meaning.
"there was no change in terms of the post office" -> "the post office remained unchanged"
Explanation: "There was no change in terms of" is unnecessarily wordy. "The post office remained unchanged" is more direct and clear.
"the primary school was located opposite to the post office on the northeast of the land was expanded" -> "the primary school, located opposite the post office in the northeast of the area, was expanded"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and contains grammatical errors. The revised version clarifies the location and improves sentence structure for better readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the changes that have occurred in Stokeford between 1930 and 2010. The essay highlights the key features of the changes, such as the disappearance of farmland, the construction of houses, and the conversion of the large house into a retirement home. However, the essay does not provide a fully developed response, and some of the details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the primary school was located opposite to the post office on the northeast of the land, but the image shows that the primary school is located to the east of the post office.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the changes, and by ensuring that all of the details are accurate. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the changes. For example, instead of saying that the large house was converted into a retirement home, the essay could say that the large house was demolished and replaced with a retirement home.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but it lacks a clear overall progression. While the writer attempts to describe the changes in Stokeford, the ideas are not always logically arranged, leading to confusion. There is some use of cohesive devices, but they are often inadequate or repetitive, which affects the clarity of the connections between ideas. For example, phrases like "followed by" and "besides that" are used, but they do not effectively guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, as it does not clearly delineate different aspects of the development.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing ideas more logically and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately would also help in creating smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Furthermore, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will reduce repetition and enhance overall readability. Finally, ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will contribute to a more coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the changes in Stokeford, the vocabulary used is basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the mas" instead of "the map," and awkward phrases like "people also built many houses that connected other areas." Additionally, the use of "Gardens" with a capital letter is incorrect, and the phrase "Followed by" is improperly used, leading to confusion. These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader, impacting overall clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring proper collocation would improve the sophistication of the language. Additionally, attention should be given to spelling and grammatical accuracy to avoid errors that could impede communication. Practicing paraphrasing and using synonyms can also help in achieving a more varied vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complexity. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the large house was converted into a retirement house with two new blocks added to it" could be clearer, and the sentence "Followed by, the large house was converted…" is grammatically incorrect. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas, can cause confusion for the reader. Overall, while the essay conveys some information, the errors present can lead to difficulty in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following strategies:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to improve fluency and coherence.
Proofreading: Carefully review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to ensure clarity and precision.
Practice Punctuation: Improve punctuation usage to enhance readability and reduce confusion.
Use of Transitional Phrases: Employ appropriate transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and logically.

Bài sửa mẫu

The map compares the development of Stokeford in 1930 with that in 2010.

From an overall perspective, the area underwent significant changes over the period in question. As illustrated, the most remarkable transformation was the disappearance of farmland. Along the main road running from the south to the north, numerous houses were constructed, and additional houses were built to connect various areas. Furthermore, gardens were made smaller. Additionally, a large house was converted into a retirement home, with two new blocks added to it. It is important to note that several shops in the center of the area were demolished to make way for a new street. In contrast, there was no change regarding the post office. Moreover, the primary school, located opposite the post office in the northeast of the area, was expanded.