The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives .
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

In a joined-up world today , many people hold the view that the most essential target of science ought to be to enhance the quality of life . From my point of view , I strongly agree with this idea statement .
To begin with , modern science and technology empower humans being to improve many aspect of life . Based on the development of healthcare system , people in the negative physical health are taken care of by professional doctor and use the best types of medicine depend on their disease . Most of the illness have the approriate theraphy and are cured by the scientific knowledge . Next , not only physical health but also mental health is noticed ; psychological is considered to be essential side of healthcare science and receives the attention from the society . The more both side of people's health are boosted , the more the life expectancy are improved.
On the other hand , the evolution of science raise the quality of life through the devolopment of economic and infrastructure . Materialistic life makes people's life is a bed of rose with the better service and lifestyle . Nowadays , social cognition are raised and people have enough awareness through science teaching in school and volunteer activity . The scientific revolution makes people's lives better in all the aspect of life .
In conclusion , I strongly believe that science 's most meaningful goal is to boost the quality of life . The development of science take the advantage of physical and mental life

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "In a joined-up world today" -> "In the interconnected world of today"
   Explanation: "Joined-up" is an informal term, and "interconnected" conveys the idea more formally and precisely.

2. "the most essential target of science ought to be to enhance the quality of life" -> "the primary objective of science should be to improve quality of life"
   Explanation: "Essential target" is somewhat redundant; "primary objective" is more concise and formal. "Ought to be" can be replaced with "should be" for a more direct tone. "Enhance" can be substituted with "improve," and "quality of life" remains unchanged as it’s appropriate.

3. "From my point of view" -> "In my opinion"
   Explanation: "From my point of view" is a bit informal; "In my opinion" is more formal and commonly used in academic writing.

4. "I strongly agree with this idea statement" -> "I strongly support this assertion"
   Explanation: "Agree with this idea statement" is repetitive; "support this assertion" conveys the same meaning more precisely and formally.

5. "empower humans being" -> "empower individuals"
   Explanation: "Humans being" is not grammatically correct; "individuals" is a more appropriate term.

6. "many aspect of life" -> "various aspects of life"
   Explanation: "Many aspect of life" lacks precision; "various aspects of life" is clearer and more grammatically correct.

7. "people in the negative physical health" -> "individuals experiencing poor physical health"
   Explanation: "People in the negative physical health" is awkward; "individuals experiencing poor physical health" is clearer and more formal.

8. "use the best types of medicine depend on their disease" -> "receive appropriate medical treatment based on their condition"
   Explanation: "Use the best types of medicine depend on their disease" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "receive appropriate medical treatment based on their condition" is clearer and more formal.

9. "Most of the illness have the approriate theraphy" -> "Most illnesses have appropriate therapies"
   Explanation: Corrected grammar and spelling; "therapies" is the plural form of "therapy."

10. "psychological is considered to be essential side of healthcare science" -> "Psychological well-being is considered an essential aspect of healthcare science"
    Explanation: "Psychological is considered to be essential side" is unclear and awkward; "psychological well-being" and "an essential aspect of healthcare science" convey the intended meaning more clearly and formally.

11. "the more the life expectancy are improved" -> "the higher life expectancy becomes"
    Explanation: "The more the life expectancy are improved" is grammatically incorrect; "the higher life expectancy becomes" is clearer and more grammatically correct.

12. "the evolution of science raise the quality of life" -> "scientific advancements enhance quality of life"
    Explanation: "Evolution of science raise" lacks proper subject-verb agreement; "scientific advancements enhance" is clearer and more grammatically correct.

13. "devolopment of economic and infrastructure" -> "development of the economy and infrastructure"
    Explanation: Corrected spelling and article usage for "economic and infrastructure."

14. "Materialistic life makes people’s life is a bed of rose" -> "Material advancements enhance people’s lives"
    Explanation: "Materialistic life makes people’s life is a bed of rose" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "Material advancements enhance people’s lives" is clearer and more concise.

15. "Nowadays , social cognition are raised" -> "Currently, social awareness is heightened"
    Explanation: "Social cognition are raised" is awkward and lacks clarity; "social awareness is heightened" is clearer and more formal.

16. "The scientific revolution makes people’s lives better in all the aspect of life" -> "The scientific revolution improves various aspects of people’s lives"
    Explanation: "In all the aspect of life" is redundant and awkward; "various aspects of people’s lives" is more precise and clear.

17. "The development of science take the advantage of physical and mental life" -> "Scientific advancements benefit both physical and mental well-being"
    Explanation: "The development of science take the advantage of physical and mental life" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "Scientific advancements benefit both physical and mental well-being" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion ("I strongly agree") with the statement that the primary aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. It discusses both physical and mental health aspects and briefly touches upon the improvement of economic and social infrastructure.
  • How to improve: To enhance completeness, ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored. Here, while the essay discusses physical and mental health, it could delve deeper into the societal implications and broader impacts of scientific advancements on people’s lives.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance by expressing strong agreement with the notion that science’s primary aim should be to enhance the quality of life. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, provide more explicit transitions between ideas and paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay’s argumentation effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about how science improves people’s lives through advancements in healthcare, economy, and infrastructure. However, these ideas lack depth and specificity. While some examples are provided (e.g., healthcare advancements), they are not elaborated upon sufficiently to demonstrate a deep understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation and development, include specific examples, statistics, or studies to support claims. Additionally, elaborate on each point to provide a more thorough analysis of how science contributes to improving various aspects of life.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing how science aims to enhance the quality of life through advancements in healthcare, economy, and societal awareness. However, there are minor deviations, such as the brief mention of "materialistic life" without clear connection to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and points directly relate to the central argument. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that do not contribute significantly to the overall discussion.

Overall, while the essay effectively conveys the writer’s agreement with the statement and provides some relevant examples, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, specificity of examples, and coherence of ideas. Expanding on these aspects would enhance the overall quality and clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat logical organization by presenting arguments in support of the idea that science’s primary aim should be to improve people’s lives. However, the progression of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the essay begins by discussing advancements in healthcare and then transitions to improvements in economic and social aspects. While these points are relevant, the lack of clear transitions between them affects the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay could benefit from a clearer outline or roadmap in the introduction. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of how science improves lives, with smooth transitions between ideas. Additionally, consider restructuring the essay to create a more cohesive flow of arguments, perhaps by discussing healthcare advancements, followed by economic and social impacts in separate paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. While there is an attempt to separate different points into paragraphs, the transitions between them are abrupt, and the development within paragraphs lacks depth. For example, the paragraph discussing advancements in healthcare could be expanded to provide specific examples or evidence to support the argument.
  • How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea related to how science improves lives. Additionally, use transitions between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas, guiding the reader through the essay logically.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("To begin with," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"), but their usage is somewhat repetitive, and there is limited variety. Additionally, the essay lacks cohesive devices within paragraphs to connect ideas and ensure coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, aim for greater variety in cohesive devices, such as synonyms for conjunctions ("Firstly," "Moreover," "Therefore") and transition phrases. Within paragraphs, use cohesive devices like pronouns, transitional words, and parallel structure to link sentences and ideas. This will create a smoother flow and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant arguments supporting the idea that science should prioritize improving people’s lives, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will help strengthen the essay’s coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some attempt at varied word choices. However, there is room for improvement in terms of depth and precision. For instance, while the essay touches upon various aspects of life (physical health, mental health, economic development), the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks nuance. Examples such as "enhance the quality of life," "boosted," "materialistic life," and "better service and lifestyle" are frequently used without much variation.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, strive for diversity in vocabulary by exploring synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and more sophisticated terminology related to the topic. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "boost the quality of life," consider alternatives such as "enhance the human experience," "elevate living standards," or "augment societal well-being." Additionally, incorporate specific terminology related to scientific advancements and their impact on various facets of life to enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates imprecise vocabulary usage at times, resulting in a lack of clarity and specificity in conveying ideas. For instance, phrases like "the evolution of science" and "social cognition are raised" are ambiguous and could be clarified with more precise terminology. Furthermore, the essay occasionally relies on generic terms like "the development of science" without specifying the nature or context of these developments.
  • How to improve: Aim for greater precision in vocabulary selection to convey ideas more clearly and effectively. Instead of using vague terms like "the evolution of science," specify the particular scientific advancements or breakthroughs relevant to the discussion. Similarly, instead of stating that "social cognition are raised," articulate the specific ways in which scientific knowledge or education influences social awareness and understanding. Incorporating technical terms related to healthcare, technology, and social sciences can also enhance precision in vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates moderate proficiency in spelling, with some errors and inconsistencies throughout. Examples include "theraphy" instead of "therapy," "approriate" instead of "appropriate," and "devolopment" instead of "development." While the errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall professionalism and polish of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing strategies such as proofreading carefully before submission, utilizing spell-check tools, and actively practicing spelling through writing exercises. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and make a conscious effort to correct any errors during the editing process. Additionally, familiarize yourself with spelling patterns and rules to minimize mistakes in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. There are attempts at complex structures, such as dependent clauses and conditional sentences ("Based on the development of healthcare system," "The more both side of people’s health are boosted, the more the life expectancy are improved"). However, there is room for improvement in using more complex structures consistently throughout the essay to enhance variety and coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more complex sentence structures consistently. This can include using relative clauses, passive voice constructions, and varied sentence beginnings. For instance, integrating phrases like "despite," "although," or "in contrast" can add depth and complexity to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates adequate grammar and punctuation accuracy. However, there are several instances where errors occur, affecting clarity and precision. For example, "people in the negative physical health are taken care of" should be corrected to "people with poor physical health are taken care of." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement ("Materialistic life makes people’s life is a bed of rose" should be "Materialistic life makes people’s lives a bed of roses").
  • How to improve: It would be beneficial to review and practice using correct subject-verb agreement consistently. Additionally, attention to prepositions and article usage (e.g., "through science teaching in school" could be "through science education in schools") would further improve accuracy. Proofreading for minor errors like missing or misplaced commas can enhance readability.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues its stance on the importance of science in improving people’s lives, attention to refining sentence structures for greater variety and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the quality of writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the interconnected world of today, many people argue that the primary objective of science should be to improve the quality of life. In my opinion, I strongly support this assertion.

To begin with, modern science and technology empower individuals to enhance various aspects of life. Individuals experiencing poor physical health receive appropriate medical treatment based on their condition, with most illnesses having appropriate therapies derived from scientific knowledge. Additionally, psychological well-being is considered an essential aspect of healthcare science and receives attention from society. As both physical and mental health are boosted, life expectancy increases.

Furthermore, the evolution of science enhances the quality of life through the development of the economy and infrastructure. Material advancements enhance people’s lives with better services and lifestyles. Currently, social awareness is heightened through science education in schools and volunteer activities. The scientific revolution improves various aspects of people’s lives, benefiting both physical and mental well-being.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that the most important aim of science is to improve the quality of life. The development of science leverages advancements in both physical and mental well-being.