The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
It is believe that the science is the most necessary and important aim in people’s lives. I agree with this statement.
On the one hand, science is important in people’s lives. Firstly, science will help people’s lives are easily. For example, scientist created the robots and they will be bought by people and after that robots will help people do housework such as clean the floors, dish washers. Secondly, when science develop, it will help people to connect together. People can ca;; and talk together when live in other countries. Science will replace people to do hard job.
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Errors and Improvements:
"It is believe" -> "It is believed"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error. The verb "believe" should be in its past participle form "believed" to create a grammatically correct sentence.
"most necessary and important aim" -> "crucial and paramount objective"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly simplistic and lacks precision. Replacing it with "crucial and paramount objective" adds formality and sophistication to the expression.
"lives are easily" -> "lives easier"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks precision. The suggested alternative "lives easier" maintains simplicity while improving clarity and grammatical correctness.
"scientist created" -> "scientists have created"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks subject-verb agreement and should be corrected to "scientists have created" for grammatical accuracy.
"will be bought by people" -> "will be purchased by individuals"
Explanation: "Bought" is a more casual term, and replacing it with "purchased" aligns better with formal language.
"do housework such as clean the floors, dish washers" -> "perform household tasks such as cleaning floors and washing dishes"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a more detailed and clear description of the housework tasks.
"People can ca;; and talk together when live in other countries." -> "People can communicate and interact while living in different countries."
Explanation: The original phrase contains a typo ("ca;;" should be "call") and is somewhat unclear. The suggested alternative improves clarity and uses more formal language.
"Science will replace people to do hard job." -> "Science will automate challenging tasks."
Explanation: The original phrase is imprecise and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative uses the term "automate" to convey the idea more accurately and formally.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2
Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the idea that science is crucial in people’s lives. However, the response lacks depth and fails to explore the extent of agreement or disagreement. The examples provided are limited, and there is a lack of development in addressing the prompt’s nuances.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should fully unpack the prompt by exploring both sides of the argument. Provide specific examples and elaborate on how science can impact people’s lives positively or negatively. Ensure that the response is well-developed and meets the minimum word requirement.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in agreement with the statement, stating, "I agree with this statement." However, the clarity is compromised by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, affecting the overall coherence of the position.
- How to improve: Improve clarity by revising the sentence structure for better coherence. Clearly state the position in a concise manner. Use examples to reinforce the stance and make the position more convincing.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay lack development and are presented in a fragmented manner. For instance, the mention of robots helping with housework and science connecting people lacks elaboration and supporting details. The essay would benefit from more thorough exploration and examples.
- How to improve: Extend and support ideas by providing specific examples and elaborating on each point. Develop the robot example by explaining how it contributes to an improved life. Offer additional examples to enhance the depth of the response.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles to stay on topic, with ideas that are not fully connected to the prompt. There are instances of unclear expression, such as "Science will replace people to do hard job," which may be a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
- How to improve: Ensure all ideas are directly related to the prompt. Clarify statements for better coherence and relevance. Reconsider the mentioned sentence to make it clearer and more connected to the overall argument.
In summary, while the essay presents a position in agreement with the importance of science, it falls short in addressing all parts of the prompt, lacks clarity, and requires significant improvement in the presentation, extension, and support of ideas. Revision should focus on expanding the content, refining language usage, and ensuring a more comprehensive response to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. The introduction is brief and lacks a thesis statement, while the body paragraphs lack a clear progression of ideas. For instance, the discussion about science improving people’s lives abruptly shifts from robots doing housework to connecting people in different countries without a smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear introduction that includes a thesis statement outlining the main points to be discussed. Create body paragraphs that follow a logical order of ideas, providing smooth transitions between them. For instance, after discussing robots, transition logically to the impact of science on communication.
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as there is only one large paragraph in the provided text. Paragraphs help in organizing ideas and improving readability. In this case, the absence of proper paragraphing contributes to a lack of clarity and makes it challenging for the reader to discern distinct ideas.
- How to improve: Break the essay into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect or idea. For example, have a separate paragraph for the introduction, each body paragraph, and the conclusion. This will improve the structure and readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective use of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, resulting in a disjointed flow between ideas. For example, the sudden shift from discussing robots to the impact on communication lacks a smooth transition.
- How to improve: Integrate a variety of cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "secondly," "for example," and "however," to guide the reader through the essay. Use these devices to signal the relationships between ideas and create a more coherent and cohesive flow. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance the overall coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a wide range of vocabulary. It repeats phrases such as "people’s lives" and "science" without introducing diverse or specialized terms. The examples provided are basic and lack depth.
- How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and varied terms related to the essay topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "people," you can use synonyms like individuals, citizens, or society. Additionally, explore more sophisticated vocabulary related to scientific advancements and their impact on daily life.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary used in the essay is imprecise. The expression "It is believed that the science is the most necessary and important aim in people’s lives" could be refined for clarity.
- How to improve: Work on expressing your ideas more precisely. Instead of stating "It is believed," you can assert your viewpoint with confidence. For instance, "I strongly believe that science plays a crucial role in improving people’s lives." Additionally, be mindful of word choices to avoid vague terms that may weaken your argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "believe" instead of "believed," "people’s lives are easily" should be "people’s lives easier," "dish washers" should be "dishwashers," and "ca;;" should be "call."
- How to improve: Proofread your work carefully to identify and correct spelling errors. Consider using tools like spell checkers to catch common mistakes. Pay attention to details, and practice writing with correct spelling to improve accuracy over time. Additionally, review your essay before submission to ensure that all words are spelled correctly.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 3
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 3
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a wide range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple and lack complexity. There is a frequent use of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "Science." This limits the variety and effectiveness of the essay’s expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, strive for more sentence variety. Incorporate complex sentences with a mix of subordinate and independent clauses. Consider using a range of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences, to make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits significant issues with grammar and punctuation. For instance, the phrase "It is believe" should be corrected to "It is believed." There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as the lack of subject-verb agreement (e.g., "scientist created" should be "scientists have created") and incorrect word usage (e.g., "help people’s lives are easily" should be "make people’s lives easier").
- How to improve: To address grammatical issues, carefully proofread your writing and pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Consider seeking feedback from a language tutor or using grammar-check tools. Additionally, work on punctuation accuracy, ensuring proper use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. Review grammar rules and practice constructing grammatically correct sentences.
In summary, to improve the essay’s Grammatical Range and Accuracy, focus on diversifying sentence structures and addressing fundamental grammatical errors. Proofreading and practicing grammar rules will contribute to a more coherent and polished piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is believed that science holds a crucial and paramount objective in people’s lives, and I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.
On one hand, science plays a pivotal role in making lives easier. Firstly, scientists have created robots that will be purchased by individuals to perform household tasks such as cleaning floors and washing dishes. This innovation significantly contributes to the convenience of daily life. Secondly, scientific advancements facilitate global connectivity. People can communicate and interact while living in different countries, fostering a sense of unity and understanding.
Furthermore, as science continues to progress, it will automate challenging tasks that were traditionally performed by humans. This not only enhances efficiency but also frees individuals to focus on more meaningful and creative pursuits. For instance, automation in industries allows workers to engage in tasks that require critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
In conclusion, the most important aim of science is undeniably to improve people’s lives. Its impact is evident in the creation of technologies like robots, which simplify household chores, and the establishment of global connections that transcend geographical boundaries. As science further automates complex tasks, it not only makes lives easier but also opens up opportunities for personal and societal growth.