The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
It is thought by some people that the essential purpose of science should be improving living of people. Personally, I agree that improving people’s lives is a important aim of science, but I think that there are a lot of different important purposes of technology.
On the one hand, I agree that one of the important aim of science is to improve living of people. Firstly, science help of people’s lives become easier. For example, washing machines help people to washing dishes without supporting of human. Secondly, technology help to connect people from long distance, smartphone, laptop and computer are the ideal examples. Not only that, nowadays, scientists are looking for new methods of treatment diseases to prolonged human expectancy.
On the other hand, there are many different purposes of science which are as important as improving living of people. One of these aims is discovering the world. For example, human travel to the space to discover the new things in here, this help to fulfill curiousity of human. In addition, technology not only improve people’s lives, it also protect many animals. For example, many technologies and machines have created to help and protect extinct animals.
In conclusion, I agree that improving people lives is a important aim of science, but I believe that science also have many different important purposes.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"living of people" -> "quality of life for individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "living of people" with "quality of life for individuals" enhances the formality and precision of the expression, aligning it with a more academic style.
"a important aim" -> "an important objective"
Explanation: Substituting "a important aim" with "an important objective" improves the grammatical correctness and elevates the formality of the phrase.
"science help of people’s lives" -> "science helps improve people’s lives"
Explanation: Correcting the verb agreement by changing "science help" to "science helps" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and conciseness.
"washing dishes without supporting of human" -> "washing dishes without human intervention"
Explanation: Replacing "washing dishes without supporting of human" with "washing dishes without human intervention" eliminates awkward phrasing and introduces a more academically appropriate term.
"technology help" -> "technology helps"
Explanation: Ensuring subject-verb agreement by changing "technology help" to "technology helps" maintains grammatical accuracy and aligns with formal language standards.
"connect people from long distance" -> "facilitate long-distance communication among people"
Explanation: Enhancing precision and formality by replacing "connect people from long distance" with "facilitate long-distance communication among people."
"smartphone, laptop and computer are the ideal examples" -> "Smartphones, laptops, and computers serve as prime examples"
Explanation: Elevating the language by using "serve as prime examples" instead of "are the ideal examples," contributing to a more polished and formal tone.
"scientists are looking for new methods of treatment diseases" -> "scientists are exploring novel methods for treating diseases"
Explanation: Introducing more precise and sophisticated language by changing "looking for new methods of treatment diseases" to "exploring novel methods for treating diseases."
"many different purposes of science which are as important" -> "various significant purposes of science"
Explanation: Enhancing the formality and conciseness by replacing "many different purposes of science which are as important" with "various significant purposes of science."
"discovering the new things in here" -> "exploring new phenomena"
Explanation: Substituting "discovering the new things in here" with "exploring new phenomena" for a more precise and academically appropriate expression.
"this help to fulfill curiousity of human" -> "this satisfies human curiosity"
Explanation: Improving the clarity and correctness by changing "this help to fulfill curiousity of human" to "this satisfies human curiosity."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It agrees that improving people’s lives is an important aim of science but also suggests that there are many different important purposes of technology. The essay lacks a clear exploration of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees, and the examples provided are not always directly related to the improvement of people’s lives.
- How to improve: To improve, the author should clearly state whether they agree or disagree with the statement and provide more focused examples that directly relate to the improvement of people’s lives. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, agreeing that improving people’s lives is important, but the introduction includes a slightly confusing phrase, "I agree that improving people’s lives is a(n) important aim of science, but I think that there are a lot of different important purposes of technology," which might create ambiguity. The subsequent paragraphs, however, maintain a generally clear stance.
- How to improve: The author should revise the introduction for clarity and ensure that their position is consistently expressed throughout the essay. A more straightforward thesis statement can enhance the overall coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but they are not always well-extended or supported. For instance, the example of washing machines and connecting people through technology is brief and lacks depth. The ideas related to discovering the world and protecting animals are introduced but not fully developed.
- How to improve: To improve, the author should elaborate on each example, providing more details and connecting them directly to the improvement of people’s lives. Additionally, further development of the secondary purposes of science would strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes deviates from the topic. While it discusses the importance of improving people’s lives, it also introduces secondary purposes of science, such as discovering the world and protecting animals. These points, while interesting, slightly divert from the main focus of the prompt.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the author should ensure that all examples and points directly contribute to the discussion of improving people’s lives. While secondary purposes can be mentioned, they should be discussed in the context of how they relate to the main aim.
Overall, the essay provides a reasonable response but needs refinement in terms of clarity, development of ideas, and staying focused on the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the overall flow could be improved. The introduction states the position but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs mix arguments from both perspectives without a distinct separation.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction, clearly stating the writer’s stance. Ensure each body paragraph focuses on a single aspect, either supporting or opposing the statement, and maintain a consistent flow between ideas.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but they could be more effectively structured. The second paragraph, for instance, combines arguments for both sides without a clear division. Additionally, there is a lack of topic sentences in each paragraph, making it challenging to identify the main idea of each section.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by introducing a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, outlining its main idea. Ensure that each paragraph is dedicated to a specific argument or example, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," but more variety and precision in the use of cohesive devices would enhance coherence. The transition between paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, affecting the overall flow.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., moreover, furthermore, consequently) and pronouns to maintain a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure a logical progression of ideas to improve overall cohesion.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the organizational structure, paragraphing, and use of cohesive devices will elevate its clarity and effectiveness.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using varied expressions. Examples include "essential purpose," "washing machines," "connect people," "prolonged human expectancy," "discovering the world," and "fulfill curiosity." However, the vocabulary lacks consistency and depth. Some terms, such as "technology" and "improving people’s lives," are repeated without much elaboration.
- How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, try incorporating more synonyms and nuanced expressions. Instead of frequently using general terms like "technology," explore specific technological advancements or tools. For instance, you can replace "technology" with terms like "innovations," "scientific breakthroughs," or "cutting-edge advancements" to add variety. Additionally, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary and academic phrases to elevate the overall lexical richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precise vocabulary usage in some instances, such as "prolonged human expectancy" and "fulfill curiosity." However, there are also instances of imprecise language, like "many different important purposes" and "help and protect extinct animals."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on using more specific and accurate terms. Instead of broad phrases like "many different important purposes," specify the diverse goals of science. For instance, mention goals related to exploration, innovation, or environmental conservation explicitly. Likewise, replace "help and protect extinct animals" with specific actions or technologies designed for wildlife preservation, like "conservation initiatives" or "anti-poaching measures."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "washing of dishes," "fulfill curiousity").
- How to improve: While the overall spelling is accurate, be cautious about specific words, especially those with irregular spellings. In particular, correct the spelling of "curiousity" to "curiosity." It’s advisable to review and proofread your essays carefully to catch such minor errors. Consider using spelling and grammar tools for additional assistance.
This essay demonstrates a solid foundation in vocabulary use, but refinement in terms of consistency, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to an improved lexical resource score. Focus on incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary, paying attention to specific terms and their accurate usage. Proofreading is crucial to catch minor spelling errors and enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly relies on simple sentence structures, with limited variety. The writer tends to use basic sentence patterns, such as subject-verb-object, throughout the essay. While there are instances of complex sentences, they are infrequent and do not contribute significantly to the overall grammatical range. A more diverse range of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences, would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Varying the length and complexity of sentences will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try integrating subordinate clauses and conjunctions to create more complex structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "It is thought by some people that the essential purpose of science should be improving living of people" lacks precision and could be rephrased for better clarity. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "technology help to connect people," where the correct form should be "technology helps to connect people." Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas in some instances where they are needed.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct usage of verb forms. Proofreading for punctuation errors is crucial; ensure that commas are appropriately used to separate clauses and ideas. In the example provided, revise the sentence to: "Technology helps connect people from long distances; smartphones, laptops, and computers are ideal examples." This modification not only corrects the subject-verb agreement but also improves overall sentence structure and clarity.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent grasp of grammar, there is room for improvement in both sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. Integrating a wider range of structures and refining grammatical precision will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is believed by some that the primary goal of science should be to enhance the quality of life for individuals. Personally, I concur that improving people’s lives is indeed an important objective of science. However, I also maintain that there are various other significant purposes of science that should not be overlooked.
On the affirmative side, I agree that one of the crucial aims of science is to improve the lives of individuals. Firstly, science helps improve people’s lives by making daily tasks more convenient. For instance, washing machines allow people to clean dishes without human intervention. Secondly, technology facilitates long-distance communication among people, with smartphones, laptops, and computers serving as prime examples. Moreover, contemporary scientists are exploring novel methods for treating diseases, contributing to the extension of human life expectancy.
On the contrary, there are numerous other important purposes of science that deserve recognition. One such aim is the exploration and discovery of the world around us. For example, humans venture into space to explore new phenomena, satisfying human curiosity. Additionally, technology not only enhances people’s lives but also plays a crucial role in protecting various species of animals. For instance, many technologies and machines have been created to help and protect endangered animals from extinction.
In conclusion, I agree that improving people’s lives is an important aim of science. However, I firmly believe that science serves various significant purposes beyond this, encompassing exploration, discovery, and the protection of the environment and its inhabitants.