The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is argued that the ultimate goal of science is to enhance people’s quality of life. While I believe that human health is one of the most important considerations in the scientific community, balancing between multiple problems like environmental sustainability and animal protection is as important.
On the one hand, health care is one of the most important aspects that science provides. Throughout history, scientific discoveries have made a significant impact on people’s lives, saving millions of lives each year. Many useful drugs and vaccines have been made from research and experiments in this field. Further development in this part is necessary for humans to adapt to future viruses and illnesses. In specific, many still suffer from different diseases and medical problems such as heart disease and cancer. Thus, keeping on the work in this field is necessary for us to find the cure and improve overall health among everyone.
On the other hand, scientists should take into account many other factors like the ecosystem and the existence of animals. Humans have disrupted the balance of ecosystems and contributed to the loss of biodiversity through crimes like deforestation and over-consumption. Fittingly, science should find the solutions to the given problems. Moreover, if humans are prioritized over the environment, then it will eventually harm us back with climate change and natural disasters caused by us. Although the healthcare system today is modern and well-developed, air and water pollution is still common worldwide, making a direct impact on people’s health.
In conclusion, while I accept that focusing on human health is necessary, other factors are also as important as it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "enhance people’s quality of life" -> "improve the quality of life for individuals"
   Explanation: The phrase "improve the quality of life for individuals" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style by specifying the subject of improvement and using a more formal verb.

2. "balancing between multiple problems" -> "balancing multiple concerns"
   Explanation: "Concerns" is a more precise term than "problems" in this context, as it implies a broader range of issues that require consideration, which is more appropriate for an academic discussion.

3. "health care" -> "healthcare"
   Explanation: "Healthcare" is the preferred term in formal and academic contexts, as it is a compound noun that is commonly used in professional and scholarly writing.

4. "made a significant impact on people’s lives" -> "had a significant impact on individuals’ lives"
   Explanation: "Had a significant impact" is a more formal expression than "made a significant impact," and "individuals" is a more formal term than "people" in academic writing.

5. "saving millions of lives each year" -> "saving countless lives annually"
   Explanation: "Countless" is a more precise and formal adjective than "millions," which can be vague and less specific. "Annually" is also more formal than "each year."

6. "keeping on the work" -> "continuing this work"
   Explanation: "Continuing this work" is a more formal and precise way to express ongoing activity, avoiding the colloquial tone of "keeping on the work."

7. "find the cure" -> "identify effective treatments"
   Explanation: "Identify effective treatments" is a more precise and scientifically accurate term than "find the cure," which can be overly simplistic and imprecise in an academic context.

8. "keeping on the work" -> "continuing this work"
   Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "continuing this work" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "keeping on the work," which is informal.

9. "focusing on human health is necessary" -> "prioritizing human health is essential"
   Explanation: "Prioritizing" is a more precise verb than "focusing," and "essential" is a stronger, more formal adverb than "necessary," enhancing the academic tone.

10. "other factors are also as important as it" -> "other factors are equally important"
    Explanation: "Equally important" is a more precise and formal way to express the comparative importance of factors, avoiding the awkward construction "as important as it."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging the importance of improving people’s lives through science, particularly in the context of healthcare. However, it also introduces the idea that environmental sustainability and animal protection are equally important. This dual focus partially fulfills the requirement of the task, but the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of how these elements interconnect and their relative importance. For instance, while the health benefits of scientific advancements are well-articulated, the discussion on environmental issues lacks depth and direct connection to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement. A clearer distinction between the importance of health and environmental issues, along with specific examples of how science can address both, would strengthen the argument. For instance, citing specific scientific advancements that have benefited both human health and the environment could provide a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating that while human health is crucial, other factors should not be overlooked. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. The introduction suggests a balanced view, but the conclusion reverts to a somewhat vague statement about the importance of other factors being "as important as it," which dilutes the strength of the argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their stance throughout the essay. This can be achieved by summarizing the main argument in each paragraph and linking back to the thesis. A more definitive conclusion that reiterates the importance of prioritizing health while acknowledging the significance of environmental issues could provide clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly regarding healthcare advancements and environmental issues. However, while the healthcare argument is well-supported with historical context and examples, the environmental section lacks specific examples and detailed development. For instance, mentioning specific scientific initiatives aimed at addressing climate change or biodiversity loss would enhance the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more concrete examples and data to back up their claims, especially in the section discussing environmental issues. This could include statistics on the impact of pollution on health or specific scientific breakthroughs that have addressed environmental challenges.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of science in improving lives through healthcare and environmental considerations. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing the balance between human health and environmental issues. The connection between these points could be made clearer to maintain a tighter focus on the prompt.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the central question of the essay. Using topic sentences that clearly tie back to the main argument and avoiding tangential discussions would help keep the essay on track. Additionally, integrating the discussion of environmental issues more seamlessly with the health argument could enhance coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it could benefit from clearer articulation of the position, more detailed support for all arguments, and improved coherence throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the dual focus of science on human health and environmental issues. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs are logically structured, with one focusing on health care and the other on environmental considerations. However, the transition between the two ideas could be smoother. For instance, the connection between the importance of health care and the potential negative impacts of neglecting environmental issues could be more explicitly stated.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly link the two main ideas. For example, after discussing health care, a phrase like "However, this focus must not overshadow other critical areas" could help bridge the two paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will further strengthen the organization.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses health care, while the second discusses environmental issues. However, the conclusion feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more comprehensive summary of the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph not only has a clear focus but also ends with a sentence that summarizes the key point or links to the next paragraph. In the conclusion, reiterating the main arguments presented in both body paragraphs will provide a more cohesive wrap-up and reinforce the essay’s overall message.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, the use of conjunctions and referencing could be expanded to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Consequently," to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion. For instance, instead of repeating "scientists," you could use "they" or "researchers" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing its overall effectiveness in communicating the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "enhance," "quality of life," "ecosystem," and "biodiversity." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "important" and "necessary," which appear multiple times throughout the essay. This limits the overall lexical variety and can detract from the sophistication of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "important," alternatives like "crucial," "vital," or "paramount" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more specialized vocabulary related to science and environmental issues could enrich the essay’s content.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "keeping on the work in this field" is somewhat awkward and could be more effectively expressed as "continuing research in this field." Additionally, the phrase "the existence of animals" could be more precisely stated as "animal welfare" or "animal conservation."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on refining phrases to enhance clarity and impact. Reading academic articles or essays in the field of science can provide insights into more precise terminology. Furthermore, practicing paraphrasing can help the writer become more adept at selecting the most appropriate words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors that impede understanding. Words like "healthcare," "ecosystem," and "biodiversity" are spelled correctly, demonstrating a solid grasp of standard English spelling conventions.
  • How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular reading and writing practice. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers and proofreading can help catch any minor errors. Additionally, creating a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay achieves a band score of 6 for Lexical Resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy will help elevate the essay to a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "While I believe that human health is one of the most important considerations" and "if humans are prioritized over the environment, then it will eventually harm us back" showcase the use of subordinating conjunctions and conditional structures effectively. However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be more varied. For example, the phrase "Many useful drugs and vaccines have been made from research and experiments in this field" could be rephrased to enhance complexity and engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or using different types of clauses. For instance, using participial phrases or relative clauses can add depth. Instead of saying "Many useful drugs and vaccines have been made," you could say, "Developments in this field have led to the creation of numerous effective drugs and vaccines." This not only varies the structure but also enhances clarity and engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For example, the phrase "keeping on the work in this field is necessary" could be more naturally expressed as "continuing work in this field is necessary." Additionally, punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few areas where clarity could be improved, such as the use of commas in complex sentences. For instance, "Although the healthcare system today is modern and well-developed, air and water pollution is still common worldwide, making a direct impact on people’s health" could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas to enhance readability.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining awkward phrases and ensuring that sentence structures flow smoothly. Regular practice with complex sentences and reviewing common grammatical pitfalls can be beneficial. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound and complex sentences. Reading your essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence clarity can be improved.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that the ultimate goal of science should be to improve people’s lives. While I believe that prioritizing human health is essential within the scientific community, balancing multiple concerns such as environmental sustainability and animal protection is equally important.

On the one hand, healthcare is one of the most crucial aspects that science addresses. Throughout history, scientific discoveries have had a significant impact on individuals’ lives, saving countless lives annually. Many effective drugs and vaccines have been developed through research and experiments in this field. Continued advancements in healthcare are necessary for humans to adapt to future viruses and illnesses. Specifically, many individuals still suffer from various diseases and medical issues, such as heart disease and cancer. Thus, continuing this work is vital for us to identify effective treatments and improve overall health for everyone.

On the other hand, scientists should also consider other factors, such as the ecosystem and the existence of animals. Humans have disrupted the balance of ecosystems and contributed to the loss of biodiversity through actions like deforestation and over-consumption. Therefore, science should seek solutions to these pressing problems. Moreover, if humans are prioritized over the environment, it will ultimately harm us through climate change and natural disasters caused by our actions. Although the healthcare system today is modern and well-developed, issues like air and water pollution remain prevalent worldwide, directly impacting people’s health.

In conclusion, while I accept that focusing on human health is necessary, other factors are equally important. Balancing these concerns is vital for improving the quality of life for individuals and ensuring a sustainable future for all.