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The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. Do you agree or disagree?

The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job.

Do you agree or disagree?

The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job. Do you agree or disagree?
It is thought that the most crucial elements which cause people to decide a job is how much money they would be paid. From my point of view, I merely agree with this opinion.
On the one hand, the important of financial security is undeniable that it helps people to make their end meet. Moreover, should people have stable finance from a job, they would have a chance to attend some courses in order to reach a higher education which is such a good thing to climb the higher position in a company. As a result, this may improve their standard of life much. For instance, recently, many young people pursuing their favorite jobs without taking the salary of these jobs into consideration result in the growth in unemployment rate because they have been unable to cover the bills from food, accommodation and necessities.
On the other hand, other things at jobs is worthy considering. Firstly, should people work with unhelpful partners in an undynamic workplace, this may prevent them from climbing their ladder career. Secondly, it is vital to balance working and life that the more money you earn from a job, the more time you need to spend. For example, such a lot of people have been tended to devote most of their time to working while totally ignoring their health which leads to the increase in people suffering from many serious diseases like obesity, diabetes.
In conclusion, I partly concur with this point of view that the financial security in a job is very important. However, in order to remain themselves to pursue their career for such a long time, they ought to balance working and life and find a suitable workplace condition without conflicts.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is thought that the most crucial elements which cause people to decide a job is how much money they would be paid." -> "It is believed that a critical factor influencing people’s job decisions is the compensation offered."
    Explanation: Replacing "It is thought that the most crucial elements which cause people to decide a job is how much money they would be paid" with "It is believed that a critical factor influencing people’s job decisions is the compensation offered" introduces a more formal tone and removes redundancy, making the sentence clearer.

  2. "From my point of view, I merely agree with this opinion." -> "Personally, I strongly agree with this perspective."
    Explanation: Changing "From my point of view, I merely agree with this opinion" to "Personally, I strongly agree with this perspective" enhances the formality of the expression and provides a stronger affirmation of the viewpoint.

  3. "On the one hand, the important of financial security is undeniable that it helps people to make their end meet." -> "On one hand, the significance of financial security is undeniable, as it enables individuals to meet their basic needs."
    Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand, the important of financial security is undeniable that it helps people to make their end meet" with "On one hand, the significance of financial security is undeniable, as it enables individuals to meet their basic needs" improves the structure and clarity of the sentence, avoiding awkward phrasing.

  4. "Moreover, should people have stable finance from a job, they would have a chance to attend some courses in order to reach a higher education which is such a good thing to climb the higher position in a company." -> "Furthermore, with stable finances from their employment, individuals would have the opportunity to enroll in courses, thereby enhancing their education—a valuable asset for advancing to higher positions within a company."
    Explanation: Changing "Moreover, should people have stable finance from a job, they would have a chance to attend some courses in order to reach a higher education which is such a good thing to climb the higher position in a company" to "Furthermore, with stable finances from their employment, individuals would have the opportunity to enroll in courses, thereby enhancing their education—a valuable asset for advancing to higher positions within a company" improves precision and formality while maintaining clarity.

  5. "For instance, recently, many young people pursuing their favorite jobs without taking the salary of these jobs into consideration result in the growth in unemployment rate because they have been unable to cover the bills from food, accommodation and necessities." -> "For instance, recently, numerous young individuals pursuing their preferred careers without considering the remuneration have contributed to an increase in the unemployment rate due to their inability to meet essential expenses such as food, accommodation, and necessities."
    Explanation: Replacing "For instance, recently, many young people pursuing their favorite jobs without taking the salary of these jobs into consideration result in the growth in unemployment rate because they have been unable to cover the bills from food, accommodation and necessities" with "For instance, recently, numerous young individuals pursuing their preferred careers without considering the remuneration have contributed to an increase in the unemployment rate due to their inability to meet essential expenses such as food, accommodation, and necessities" enhances precision and formality.

  6. "On the other hand, other things at jobs is worthy considering." -> "On the other hand, other aspects of jobs are worth considering."
    Explanation: Changing "On the other hand, other things at jobs is worthy considering" to "On the other hand, other aspects of jobs are worth considering" improves the sentence’s structure and replaces the informal term "things" with a more appropriate term, "aspects."

  7. "Firstly, should people work with unhelpful partners in an undynamic workplace, this may prevent them from climbing their ladder career." -> "Firstly, working with uncooperative colleagues in an unstimulating work environment may hinder career advancement."
    Explanation: Replacing "Firstly, should people work with unhelpful partners in an undynamic workplace, this may prevent them from climbing their ladder career" with "Firstly, working with uncooperative colleagues in an unstimulating work environment may hinder career advancement" improves formality and clarity, eliminating awkward phrasing.

  8. "Secondly, it is vital to balance working and life that the more money you earn from a job, the more time you need to spend." -> "Secondly, achieving a balance between work and personal life is crucial; earning more money from a job often requires additional time commitment."
    Explanation: Changing "Secondly, it is vital to balance working and life that the more money you earn from a job, the more time you need to spend" to "Secondly, achieving a balance between work and personal life is crucial; earning more money from a job often requires additional time commitment" improves the clarity and formality of the sentence.

  9. "For example, such a lot of people have been tended to devote most of their time to working while totally ignoring their health which leads to the increase in people suffering from many serious diseases like obesity, diabetes." -> "For example, a considerable number of individuals tend to allocate the majority of their time to work, neglecting their health, resulting in an increase in the prevalence of serious diseases such as obesity and diabetes."
    Explanation: Replacing "For example, such a lot of people have been tended to devote most of their time to working while totally ignoring their health which leads to the increase in people suffering from many serious diseases like obesity, diabetes" with "For example, a considerable number of individuals tend to allocate the majority of their time to work, neglecting their health, resulting in an increase in the prevalence of serious diseases such as obesity and diabetes" improves precision and formality, eliminating redundancy and awkward phrasing.

  10. "In conclusion, I partly concur with this point of view that the financial security in a job is very important." -> "In conclusion, I partially agree with the notion that financial security in a job holds significant importance."
    Explanation: Changing "In conclusion, I partly concur with this point of view that the financial security in a job is very important" to "In conclusion, I partially agree with the notion that financial security in a job holds significant importance" enhances the formality of the conclusion and replaces informal language with more suitable terms.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both sides of the argument, presenting reasons for the importance of money in a job and acknowledging other factors like workplace conditions and work-life balance. However, the discussion of alternative viewpoints is limited, and the essay could benefit from a more comprehensive exploration of opposing ideas.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider delving deeper into opposing views and providing a more nuanced discussion. This can be achieved by examining various perspectives on the role of money in a job, offering more examples or counterarguments, and addressing potential counterpoints.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance by agreeing that money is the most crucial factor in a job. The position is maintained consistently throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensure that the thesis statement explicitly reflects the author’s position. Additionally, reinforce the main stance by reiterating it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but there is room for improvement in the development and support of these ideas. For instance, the discussion of financial security is somewhat broad, lacking specific examples or details to bolster the argument.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing concrete examples, statistics, or anecdotes to support each point. Elaborate on the impact of financial security on education and career advancement with more specific details to make the argument more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the importance of money in a job. However, there are instances where the discussion veers towards related topics, such as the impact of unhelpful partners and work-life balance, which may distract from the central theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a sharper focus on the central theme throughout the essay. While it’s acceptable to consider related factors, ensure they directly contribute to supporting the main argument rather than leading to tangential discussions.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt but could benefit from a more thorough exploration of opposing views and a more detailed presentation of supporting ideas. Strengthening the use of examples and maintaining a sharper focus on the main theme will contribute to an improved essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction is clear in presenting the writer’s stance, but the body paragraphs lack a distinct progression of ideas. The arguments are somewhat scattered, impacting the overall coherence. For instance, the mention of financial security is followed by a sudden shift to the importance of workplace conditions. This disrupts the flow and makes the essay feel disjointed.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider a more structured approach. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the argument, providing a smoother transition between ideas. A clear and sequential development of points will improve overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, but their effectiveness varies. While the introduction is a single paragraph, the body of the essay consists of two longer paragraphs, affecting readability. A more balanced distribution of ideas into shorter paragraphs would enhance the structure and improve the reader’s comprehension.
    • How to improve: Break down the body paragraphs into smaller, more focused segments. Each paragraph should address a specific sub-topic or point, making the text more digestible and improving overall paragraph structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand"). However, there is a need for greater diversity and precision in the use of cohesive devices. The connections between sentences and ideas are at times weak, impacting the overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, transition words, and synonyms. Ensure that these devices are used effectively to establish clear relationships between ideas and to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.

In conclusion, while the essay maintains a reasonable coherence and cohesion level, there is room for improvement. A more structured organization, effective paragraphing, and a diversified use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more compelling and logically connected essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fair range of vocabulary, though there is room for improvement. It effectively employs words and phrases related to the topic, such as "financial security," "unemployment rate," and "balance working and life." However, there is a tendency to repeat certain words, such as "job" and "people," which can be addressed for a more diverse vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "job," explore alternatives like "employment" or "occupation." Introduce more specific terms to convey ideas, making the essay more engaging and demonstrating a broader lexical repertoire.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, with clear expressions like "financial security" and "undynamic workplace." However, there are instances where the language could be more nuanced. For example, the phrase "balance working and life" could be refined to "maintain a work-life balance" for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Strive for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general terms, opt for more specific language. In the case of "balance working and life," consider using phrases like "harmonize professional commitments with personal life" to add clarity and depth to your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "important" instead of "importance" and "undynamic" instead of "undynamic." These do not significantly impede understanding but can be refined for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling details, especially with commonly used words. Proofread your work systematically to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar tools to assist in identifying and rectifying such issues, ensuring a polished and error-free final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. There is evidence of both simple and complex sentences, including conditional structures (e.g., "should people have stable finance"). However, the essay tends to rely on a repetitive use of some structures, such as starting sentences with "For instance" or "On the other hand." The variety is present but could be more pronounced for a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures, such as compound and compound-complex sentences. Utilize different introductory phrases and transitions to create a more dynamic and engaging flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. There are instances of incorrect word choices (e.g., "the important of financial security" should be "the importance of financial security") and some punctuation issues (e.g., missing commas after introductory phrases). However, these errors do not significantly impede understanding.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to word choice and proofread carefully to catch and correct minor errors. Specifically, focus on using the correct forms of words (e.g., importance instead of important) and ensure proper punctuation, especially after introductory phrases. A thorough proofreading before submission will help eliminate these minor issues.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of structures. To improve, the writer should work on incorporating more diverse sentence structures and paying closer attention to word choices and punctuation details. This will contribute to a smoother and more sophisticated presentation of ideas, potentially raising the score to a higher band.

Bài sửa mẫu

The significance of a job often hinges on the compensation it offers, and I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective. Financial stability is undeniably vital as it enables individuals to meet their basic needs. Moreover, a steady income provides the opportunity to enroll in courses, enhancing one’s education—a valuable asset for career progression.

For example, a growing number of young individuals pursuing their preferred careers, disregarding the remuneration, have contributed to an increase in the unemployment rate. This is because they struggle to cover essential expenses such as food, accommodation, and necessities.

However, it’s crucial to consider other aspects of a job. Firstly, working with uncooperative colleagues in an uninspiring work environment can hinder career advancement. Secondly, achieving a balance between work and personal life is crucial; earning more money often requires additional time commitment. Many individuals tend to allocate the majority of their time to work, neglecting their health and leading to an increase in serious diseases such as obesity and diabetes.

In conclusion, I partially agree with the notion that financial security is crucial in a job. While money is important, individuals should also prioritize a balanced work-life dynamic and seek a suitable workplace without conflicts to ensure long-term career pursuit.

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