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The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

In recent decades, an increasing number of individuals have become susceptible to severe health problems. Notably, there are several intrinsic factors contributing to the rising prevalence of overweight. Undoubtedly, individuals who lead a sedentary lifestyle are less likely to engage in regular exercise or outdoor activities, potentially contributing to a range of health problems. Another contributing factor is the lack of a healthy diet. Individuals who excessively consume fast food or sugary beverages are likely to experience severe health problems, including obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure, thereby negatively impacting their overall well-being.

Given that this phenomenon can lead to severe and widespread societal problems, both the government and individuals should take measures to address it. An effective initial solution would involve the authorities promoting awareness and education on healthy lifestyles for the general populace. Undeniably, heightened health consciousness among individuals is likely to lead to increased engagement in exercise and physical activities, thereby reducing the prevalence of health issues. The second effective approach involves the government imposing bans on unhealthy products available to consumers.

In conclusion, although being overweight poses a risk of severe health problems, addressing these challenges requires the collective efforts of both the government and individuals through the aforementioned remedies.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "severe health problems" -> "serious health issues"
    Explanation: Replacing "severe health problems" with "serious health issues" maintains formality and introduces a more precise term, aligning with academic language.

  2. "Notably" -> "Significantly"
    Explanation: Substituting "Notably" with "Significantly" enhances the formality of the sentence, providing a stronger transition and better aligning with academic writing conventions.

  3. "Undoubtedly" -> "Certainly"
    Explanation: Changing "Undoubtedly" to "Certainly" maintains the confidence in the statement while using a more formal term, contributing to the overall academic tone.

  4. "engage in" -> "partake in"
    Explanation: Replacing "engage in" with "partake in" introduces a more sophisticated synonym without sacrificing clarity, contributing to a more formal and academic expression.

  5. "potentially" -> "possibly"
    Explanation: Substituting "potentially" with "possibly" maintains the speculative nature of the sentence while utilizing a more formal term, in line with academic language.

  6. "Given that" -> "Considering that"
    Explanation: Changing "Given that" to "Considering that" imparts a higher degree of formality and academic tone to the introductory phrase.

  7. "undeniably" -> "indisputably"
    Explanation: Replacing "undeniably" with "indisputably" introduces a more formal synonym, elevating the language without altering the intended meaning.

  8. "In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
    Explanation: Substituting "In conclusion" with "To conclude" provides a more concise and academically suitable phrase to signal the end of the essay.

  9. "heightened" -> "increased"
    Explanation: Changing "heightened" to "increased" maintains the meaning while employing a more standard and formal term, improving the academic tone.

  10. "through the aforementioned remedies" -> "through these proposed solutions"
    Explanation: Replacing "through the aforementioned remedies" with "through these proposed solutions" offers a more specific and clear reference to the measures discussed in the essay, aligning with academic precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt by addressing both the reasons for the growth of overweight individuals and suggesting solutions. It acknowledges the intrinsic factors contributing to weight issues, including a sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet. However, there is a slight lack of depth in discussing these factors. The essay could benefit from more nuanced insights and specific examples to support the points made.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider delving deeper into the reasons behind a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits. Provide concrete examples or statistics to strengthen the analysis. This will demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the factors contributing to the problem.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, advocating for collective efforts from both the government and individuals to address the issue. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, contributing to the essay’s overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the proposed solutions in the introduction, ensuring that the reader immediately understands the essay’s position and focus.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas related to the causes of overweight individuals and proposes solutions. However, there is room for improvement in extending and supporting these ideas. For instance, the discussion on the government’s role in promoting awareness and education could be expanded with specific examples or evidence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more elaboration and support for each proposed solution. Offer real-life examples, case studies, or relevant statistics to enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons for the growth of overweight individuals and suggesting solutions. However, there is a slight deviation in the concluding sentence, which emphasizes the severity of being overweight rather than reiterating the proposed solutions.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the concluding remarks align closely with the proposed solutions. Reiterate the key points related to the government’s role and individual efforts in combating the issue to maintain a consistent focus on the essay’s main theme.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, it could benefit from deeper analysis, more extensive support for ideas, and a tighter alignment of concluding remarks with the proposed solutions. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly introduces the topic, and the body paragraphs discuss intrinsic factors contributing to overweight and propose solutions. However, there is room for improvement in the connection between the paragraphs. For instance, a more explicit transition between the causes and solutions would enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Explicitly connect the causes discussed in the first body paragraph to the proposed solutions in the subsequent paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct introductions, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. For example, the first body paragraph discusses both a sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet, making it slightly less focused.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. In the first body paragraph, consider separating the discussion of a sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet into two distinct paragraphs. This would improve the overall clarity and focus of each point.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "notably," "undeniably," "although"), effectively. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices. The essay relies heavily on transitional phrases, and incorporating more diverse devices, such as pronouns and parallel structures, could enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices beyond transitional phrases. Incorporate pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas and use parallel structures to create symmetry and clarity in sentences. This will strengthen the overall cohesion and readability of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion, incorporating these improvements will elevate the logical organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It effectively employs words and phrases related to the topic, such as "sedentary lifestyle," "prevalence of overweight," "excessively consume," and "heightened health consciousness." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, more varied synonyms and idiomatic expressions could be incorporated to enhance the lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary, consider incorporating a wider array of synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of using the phrase "severe health problems" repeatedly, explore alternative expressions like "acute health issues," "serious medical concerns," or "grave health risks."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary in a precise manner, effectively conveying the intended meaning. For example, the term "sedentary lifestyle" precisely describes the lack of physical activity. However, there are instances where the use of more specific and nuanced vocabulary could enhance precision. For instance, instead of the broad term "health problems," specifying the particular issues, such as "cardiovascular diseases" or "metabolic disorders," would add precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for more specificity in your choice of words, especially when referring to health issues. Consider using specialized terms to precisely convey the nature of the problems discussed. This would provide a clearer and more detailed picture of the health risks associated with being overweight.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as "populace" instead of "population" and "excessively" instead of "excessive." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, enhancing spelling accuracy would contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling details, especially for commonly used words. Proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and rectify such minor errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to further ensure accuracy and refine your spelling skills.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, but improvements in diversifying and refining the word choice could contribute to a more sophisticated and precise expression of ideas. Additionally, attention to minor spelling details will enhance the overall linguistic accuracy of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. It incorporates simple and compound sentences alongside complex structures, enhancing the overall readability. For instance, the use of introductory phrases in the first sentence, parallelism in "obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure," and a conditional sentence in "Given that this phenomenon can lead to severe and widespread societal problems" showcase variety.
    • How to improve: While the essay already employs diverse structures effectively, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as complex-compound sentences or using different types of clauses to add nuance to the expression. For instance, integrating relative clauses or employing advanced punctuation like semicolons can elevate the complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. Verb agreement, tense consistency, and subject-verb agreement are well-maintained. Punctuation, including commas, periods, and colons, is used appropriately, contributing to the coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the grammar is solid, there are a few areas for refinement. In the sentence "Undeniably, heightened health consciousness among individuals is likely to lead to increased engagement," the use of "heightened" may benefit from clarification or a slight rephrase for precision. Additionally, consider using a variety of complex sentence structures to further showcase grammatical versatility.

Overall, the essay exhibits strong grammatical range and accuracy, with room for minor enhancements to elevate it to a higher band score. Keep refining sentence structures and ensure precision in vocabulary for an even more sophisticated expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, an escalating number of individuals have been facing the risk of serious health issues. Significantly, there are various inherent factors contributing to the growing prevalence of overweight individuals. Certainly, people who lead a sedentary lifestyle are less likely to partake in regular exercise or outdoor activities, possibly leading to a range of health problems. Another contributing factor is the lack of a healthy diet. Individuals who excessively consume fast food or sugary beverages are possibly prone to severe health problems, such as obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure, negatively impacting their overall well-being.

Considering that this trend can lead to serious and widespread societal issues, both the government and individuals should take measures to address it. An effective initial solution would involve the authorities promoting awareness and education on healthy lifestyles for the general populace. Indisputably, heightened health consciousness among individuals is likely to lead to increased engagement in exercise and physical activities, thereby reducing the prevalence of health issues. The second effective approach involves the government imposing bans on unhealthy products available to consumers.

To conclude, although being overweight poses a risk of serious health problems, addressing these challenges requires the collective efforts of both the government and individuals through these proposed solutions.

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