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The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

It is true that many older people believe in traditional values that often seem incompatible with the needs of younger people. While I agree that some traditional ideas are outdated, I believe that others are still useful and should not be forgotten.
On the one hand, many of the ideas that elderly people have about life are becoming less relevant for younger people. In the past, for example, people were advised to learn a profession and find a secure job for life, but today’s workers expect much more variety and diversity from their careers. At the same time, the rules around relationships are being eroded as young adults make their own choices about who and when to marry. But perhaps the greatest disparity between the generations can be seen in their attitudes towards gender roles. The traditional roles of men and women, as breadwinners and housewives, are no longer accepted as necessary or appropriate by most younger people.
On the other hand, some traditional views and values are certainly applicable to the modern world. For example, older generations attach great importance to working hard, doing one’s best, and taking pride in one’s work, and these behaviours can surely benefit young people as they enter today’s competitive job market. Other characteristics that are perhaps seen as traditional are politeness and good manners. In our globalised world, young adults can expect to come into contact with people from a huge variety of backgrounds, and it is more important than ever to treat others with respect. Finally, I believe that young people would lead happier lives if they had a more ‘old-fashioned’ sense of community and neighbourliness.
In conclusion, although the views of older people may sometimes seem unhelpful in today’s world, we should not dismiss all traditional ideas as irrelevant.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is true that many older people believe in traditional values that often seem incompatible with the needs of younger people." -> "It is evident that numerous elderly individuals adhere to traditional values that frequently appear incongruent with the requirements of younger generations."
    Explanation: Replacing "true" with "evident" and using more sophisticated language like "adhere to" and "incongruent" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

  2. "While I agree that some traditional ideas are outdated, I believe that others are still useful and should not be forgotten." -> "While I concur that certain traditional concepts have become outdated, I assert that others remain beneficial and merit preservation."
    Explanation: Substituting "agree" with "concur" and using terms like "assert" and "merit preservation" contributes to a more formal and assertive expression of the author’s viewpoint.

  3. "On the one hand, many of the ideas that elderly people have about life are becoming less relevant for younger people." -> "On one hand, numerous concepts held by the elderly regarding life are progressively losing relevance for younger generations."
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase and removing redundant words while introducing "progressively losing relevance" enhances clarity and maintains formality.

  4. "But perhaps the greatest disparity between the generations can be seen in their attitudes towards gender roles." -> "However, arguably the most significant disparity between the generations manifests in their perspectives on gender roles."
    Explanation: Introducing "arguably" and using "manifests in" elevates the formality of the sentence, providing a more nuanced expression of the idea.

  5. "Other characteristics that are perhaps seen as traditional are politeness and good manners." -> "Additional attributes that may be perceived as traditional include politeness and exemplary manners."
    Explanation: Substituting "seen" with "perceived" and using "exemplary" instead of "good" contributes to a more refined and academically appropriate language.

  6. "Finally, I believe that young people would lead happier lives if they had a more ‘old-fashioned’ sense of community and neighbourliness." -> "Lastly, I posit that the younger generation could experience greater happiness by embracing a more ‘old-fashioned’ sense of community and neighborly relations."
    Explanation: Substituting "believe" with "posit" and refining the expression of the idea enhances the academic tone and precision of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a thorough analysis of the prompt, addressing both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the relevance of some traditional ideas while also recognizing their potential obsolescence in contemporary life. Relevant sections supporting these points are cited effectively.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it could further enhance its depth by providing more nuanced examples or counter-arguments to strengthen the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The introduction clearly states the author’s stance, and each subsequent paragraph supports this stance with appropriate examples and reasoning.
    • How to improve: No significant improvement is needed in this aspect. The essay effectively maintains clarity in presenting and defending its position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas by discussing both sides of the argument and supporting them with relevant examples. The development of ideas is logical and well-structured, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the essay could include more varied and specific examples to illustrate certain points, adding depth and richness to the content.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, addressing the impact of traditional ideas on younger generations in today’s world. However, there are a few instances where the essay slightly deviates, such as briefly discussing gender roles. While this adds depth, it should be carefully balanced to avoid straying too far from the main focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, the essay could provide a more explicit connection between the discussion of gender roles and its relevance to the impact on younger generations.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt with a well-structured argument and supporting examples. To further enhance its quality, the essay could incorporate more nuanced examples, ensure a delicate balance when discussing additional aspects, and provide a more explicit connection in certain sections. Overall, it demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively conveys the writer’s perspective.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph is focused on presenting a specific aspect of the argument, supporting the overall progression. However, there is room for improvement in the flow between paragraphs, particularly in transitioning from discussing outdated ideas to relevant ones.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that the connection between different ideas is seamless, providing a smoother flow for the reader. For instance, when transitioning from outdated career advice to modern relationship dynamics, employ transitional phrases to guide the reader through the shift in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph has a clear focus, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the conclusion could benefit from a more explicit summary of key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: In the conclusion, summarize the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. This will reinforce the essay’s coherence by reminding the reader of the key arguments and their relevance to the overall thesis.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). These devices help guide the reader through different sections of the essay. However, there is a slight overuse of repetitive phrases, such as "young people," which may impact overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: While maintaining the use of cohesive devices, strive for synonym variation to avoid redundancy. For instance, consider using alternatives like "youth" or "young adults" to prevent excessive repetition. This small adjustment will contribute to a more polished and cohesive writing style.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but the diversity is not consistently extensive. For instance, words like "variety," "diversity," "disparity," and "globalized" contribute to an acceptable variety. However, there is room for improvement in introducing more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, consider incorporating advanced vocabulary and synonyms where appropriate. For example, instead of using common terms like "important" or "benefit," explore alternatives like "crucial" or "yield advantages." This can add depth to your expression and contribute to a more extensive vocabulary range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, with an attempt to convey ideas precisely. However, there are instances where the wording could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "the rules around relationships are being eroded" is somewhat vague. Precise language would involve specifying which rules are being eroded and how. Also, phrases like "traditional views and values" could be more specific for a clearer understanding.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in your choice of words. Instead of using broad terms, provide concrete details. Specify the traditions you are referring to and elaborate on the values being discussed. This precision will add clarity and depth to your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there is a notable error in the phrase "not helpful," where a space is missing between "not" and "helpful." Such minor errors, while infrequent, impact the overall impression of accuracy.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your work. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure that spaces are appropriately placed. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar tools for a thorough review. Regular practice and attention to detail will contribute to enhanced spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, and the writer employs various sentence openings and lengths. For instance, complex sentences are used to convey nuanced ideas, such as the changing expectations in careers and relationships among younger generations.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, explore the use of rhetorical devices, such as parallelism or inversion, to add flair and sophistication to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with a few instances of minor errors. For example, there is a spacing issue in "learn a profession," where an article is missing. The use of commas and conjunctions to link ideas is mostly correct. However, there is a missing article in "for life" that affects the grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles and prepositions to ensure completeness and accuracy in expressions. A thorough proofreading to catch such errors is recommended. Additionally, consider using a wider variety of complex structures to showcase a higher level of grammatical proficiency.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a commendable range of sentence structures. By addressing the identified areas for improvement, particularly in article usage and sentence complexity, the writer can further elevate the grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that numerous elderly individuals adhere to traditional values that frequently appear incongruent with the requirements of younger generations. While I concur that certain traditional concepts have become outdated, I assert that others remain beneficial and merit preservation.

On one hand, numerous concepts held by the elderly regarding life are progressively losing relevance for younger generations. In the past, for example, people were advised to learn a profession and find a secure job for life, but today’s workers expect much more variety and diversity from their careers. At the same time, the rules around relationships are being eroded as young adults make their own choices about who and when to marry. However, arguably the most significant disparity between the generations manifests in their perspectives on gender roles. The traditional roles of men and women, as breadwinners and housewives, are no longer accepted as necessary or appropriate by most younger people.

On the other hand, some traditional views and values are certainly applicable to the modern world. For example, older generations attach great importance to working hard, doing one’s best, and taking pride in one’s work, and these behaviors can surely benefit young people as they enter today’s competitive job market. Other characteristics that are perhaps seen as traditional are politeness and good manners. In our globalized world, young adults can expect to come into contact with people from a huge variety of backgrounds, and it is more important than ever to treat others with respect. Lastly, I posit that the younger generation could experience greater happiness by embracing a more ‘old-fashioned’ sense of community and neighborly relations.

In conclusion, although the views of older people may sometimes seem unhelpful in today’s world, we should not dismiss all traditional ideas as irrelevant.

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