The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Opinions remain divergent on whether following old-fashioned beliefs is conducive to preparing the young generation’s development. From my perspective, I oppose this standpoint, as this can be obsolete and irrelevant compared to today's perceptions.

First, traditional ways of thinking can be outdated since contemporary viewpoints are more appropriate for modern society. Specifically, entrenched ideas of discrimination can deter people from receiving equal rights, thereby exacerbating the quality of life. For instance, individuals from the LGBT community have historically been stereotyped as aberrant, treated as if they have an illness, and subjected to severe discrimination. However, in today's context of increased awareness and acceptance, many people have come to appreciate gender diversity. This shift in perspective helps individuals from the LGBT community gain confidence, behave authentically, and access equal opportunities for development.

Second, certain ideas that elderly people believe are becoming less relevant to the youths. For example, in Viet Nam, the pre-conceptions of when to marry or who to marry, which are significant to the old generations, seem to be unimportant in this day and age. The firm beliefs of the elderly in marriage are that men are older than women, females are forced to be married before the age of thirty, which is inappropriate in this context, as mostly people will marry their lover however age is and whenever they have a secure job. As a result, adhering to old-fashioned beliefs is not suitable in this era, and, simultaneously, is not helpful for the younger generation to follow.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that certain traditional thinking is out of date and inappropriate in modern times, making it unhelpful for the youth’s growth in the future. Therefore, the young people need to discard obsolete beliefs, and adapt themselves to the development of society.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Opinions remain divergent" -> "Opinions are diverse"
   Explanation: "Divergent" implies a splitting or separation, which is less common in academic writing when discussing opinions. "Diverse" is more straightforward and appropriate for describing the variety of opinions.

2. "following old-fashioned beliefs" -> "adhering to outdated beliefs"
   Explanation: "Following" is somewhat informal and vague; "adhering to" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

3. "is conducive to preparing the young generation’s development" -> "facilitates the development of the young generation"
   Explanation: "Conducive to" is somewhat vague and less direct; "facilitates" is more specific and academically appropriate, clearly indicating the role of beliefs in development.

4. "this can be obsolete and irrelevant" -> "this may be outdated and irrelevant"
   Explanation: "Can be" is less definitive and less formal than "may be," which is more suitable for academic writing where precision is important.

5. "entrenched ideas of discrimination" -> "deeply ingrained discriminatory beliefs"
   Explanation: "Entrenched ideas" is somewhat informal and less specific; "deeply ingrained discriminatory beliefs" is more precise and formal, clearly conveying the nature of the beliefs.

6. "treated as if they have an illness" -> "viewed as having a condition"
   Explanation: "Treated as if they have an illness" is informal and imprecise; "viewed as having a condition" is more formal and appropriate for academic discourse.

7. "This shift in perspective helps individuals from the LGBT community gain confidence" -> "This shift in perspective enables members of the LGBT community to gain confidence"
   Explanation: "Individuals from the LGBT community" is slightly awkward and less formal; "members of the LGBT community" is more direct and formal.

8. "certain ideas that elderly people believe" -> "certain beliefs held by the elderly"
   Explanation: "Ideas that elderly people believe" is awkward and informal; "beliefs held by the elderly" is more concise and formal.

9. "pre-conceptions" -> "preconceptions"
   Explanation: "Pre-conceptions" is a typographical error; "preconceptions" is the correct term.

10. "which are significant to the old generations" -> "which are significant to older generations"
    Explanation: "Old generations" is grammatically incorrect; "older generations" is grammatically correct and more formal.

11. "seem to be unimportant in this day and age" -> "appear to be less relevant in contemporary society"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is colloquial and vague; "in contemporary society" is more precise and formal.

12. "mostly people will marry their lover however age is and whenever they have a secure job" -> "many individuals marry their partner regardless of age and once they have secured employment"
    Explanation: "Mostly people will marry their lover however age is and whenever they have a secure job" is overly casual and unclear; "many individuals marry their partner regardless of age and once they have secured employment" is clearer and more formal.

13. "adapting themselves to the development of society" -> "adapting to societal developments"
    Explanation: "Adapting themselves" is awkward and informal; "adapting to societal developments" is more concise and formal.

14. "the young people need to discard obsolete beliefs" -> "young people should abandon outdated beliefs"
    Explanation: "The young people need to discard" is slightly informal and less direct; "young people should abandon" is more assertive and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that traditional ideas are beneficial for preparing younger generations for modern life. The introduction sets the stage for this argument, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples to illustrate the author’s stance. Specifically, the discussion of discrimination against the LGBT community and the changing views on marriage in Vietnam directly relate to the prompt’s inquiry about the relevance of traditional beliefs.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could consider acknowledging some potential benefits of traditional ideas, even if only briefly, to demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic. This would help in addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively and could strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against traditional ideas throughout. The author consistently argues that these ideas are outdated and not beneficial for the younger generation, using phrases like "I oppose this standpoint" and "I firmly believe." This clarity helps the reader understand the author’s perspective without confusion.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, the author could reinforce it by using more varied language to express agreement or disagreement with specific traditional ideas. This would not only enhance clarity but also engage the reader more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas well, particularly through specific examples such as the treatment of the LGBT community and societal expectations regarding marriage. These examples are relevant and effectively illustrate the author’s points. The use of specific cultural references adds depth to the argument, making it relatable and grounded in real-world issues.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen the support for ideas, the author could include additional examples or statistics that highlight the impact of traditional beliefs on modern society. This would provide a broader context and reinforce the argument with more substantial evidence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the implications of traditional beliefs on the younger generation without straying into unrelated areas. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points while reiterating the author’s position.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus even more effectively, the author could ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt. This would help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the relevance of each point made.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. With minor adjustments to enhance nuance, support, and clarity, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against traditional beliefs and organizes its points effectively. The introduction sets the stage by outlining the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph discussing outdated traditional views related to discrimination and the second focusing on marriage norms. This logical progression helps the reader follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother, as the connection between outdated discrimination and marriage norms is not explicitly stated.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that link the two paragraphs more explicitly. For example, a sentence at the end of the first paragraph could hint at the next topic, such as, "Similarly, traditional views on marriage also reflect outdated perspectives that do not align with contemporary values."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids in clarity and comprehension. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples and explanations. The introduction and conclusion are also well-defined, framing the argument nicely. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly state the main point of that paragraph.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentence of the second paragraph to clearly indicate that it will discuss marriage norms. For instance, starting with a sentence like, "Another area where traditional beliefs fall short is in the expectations surrounding marriage," would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a good range of cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "for example," which help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, the use of phrases like "as a result" effectively links ideas and shows cause and effect. However, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for transitions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "such as," "for instance," or "to illustrate." Additionally, using linking words like "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely" could help connect ideas more fluidly and enrich the text.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, but slight adjustments in transitions, topic sentences, and the variety of cohesive devices could elevate it further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. Words like "obsolete," "entrenched," "discrimination," "stereotyped," and "gender diversity" show an ability to use advanced vocabulary effectively. However, there are instances where more varied synonyms could enhance the essay. For example, the phrase "old-fashioned beliefs" is repeated; using alternatives such as "traditional views" or "outdated ideologies" could add variety.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions throughout the essay. Keeping a list of synonyms for common phrases and practicing their use in different contexts can help expand vocabulary usage.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "the firm beliefs of the elderly in marriage" could be more clearly articulated as "the traditional beliefs held by older generations regarding marriage." Additionally, the term "aberrant" may not be the best choice in this context, as it carries a strong negative connotation that could misrepresent the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the connotations of words and choose those that best fit the context. Engaging in exercises that focus on word choice and context can help improve this aspect of vocabulary use.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no significant errors that detract from the overall clarity. However, there is a minor spelling error in "Viet Nam," which is typically written as "Vietnam" in English contexts.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and proper nouns. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular spelling practice can also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "traditional ways of thinking can be outdated since contemporary viewpoints are more appropriate for modern society." This shows an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and transitions to enhance flow and coherence. The use of phrases like "For instance" and "As a result" is helpful, but additional transitions could further improve the logical progression of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence beginnings, such as starting with adverbial clauses or using participial phrases. For example, instead of starting sentences with "First" or "Second," the writer could begin with phrases like "In addition to this," or "Moreover," to create a smoother transition between points. Additionally, experimenting with more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or inversion, could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the young generation’s development" could be more clearly expressed as "the development of the younger generation." Additionally, the sentence "the firm beliefs of the elderly in marriage are that men are older than women, females are forced to be married before the age of thirty" contains awkward phrasing and could be simplified for clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which are significant to the old generations."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Revising sentences for simplicity can help eliminate awkward constructions. For example, the sentence about marriage beliefs could be rephrased as "Elderly beliefs about marriage often dictate that men should be older than women and that women should marry before the age of thirty." Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can help improve overall clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also aid in identifying and correcting recurring errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions remain diverse on whether following old-fashioned beliefs is conducive to preparing the young generation’s development. From my perspective, I oppose this standpoint, as these beliefs can be outdated and irrelevant compared to today’s perceptions.

First, traditional ways of thinking can be obsolete since contemporary viewpoints are more appropriate for modern society. Specifically, deeply ingrained discriminatory beliefs can deter people from receiving equal rights, thereby exacerbating the quality of life. For instance, individuals from the LGBT community have historically been stereotyped as aberrant, treated as if they have a condition, and subjected to severe discrimination. However, in today’s context of increased awareness and acceptance, many people have come to appreciate gender diversity. This shift in perspective enables members of the LGBT community to gain confidence, behave authentically, and access equal opportunities for development.

Second, certain beliefs held by the elderly are becoming less relevant to the youth. For example, in Vietnam, the preconceptions of when to marry or who to marry, which are significant to older generations, seem to be unimportant in this day and age. The firm beliefs of the elderly in marriage are that men should be older than women and that females should be married before the age of thirty, which is inappropriate in this context, as many individuals marry their partner regardless of age and once they have secured employment. As a result, adhering to outdated beliefs is not suitable in this era and is not helpful for the younger generation to follow.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that certain traditional thinking is out of date and inappropriate in modern times, making it unhelpful for the youth’s growth in the future. Therefore, young people should abandon outdated beliefs and adapt to societal developments.