.The only reason why people work hard is to earn money and there is no other reason for doing so. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

.The only reason why people work hard is to earn money and there is no
other reason for doing so.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary world , there are growing concerns between individuals that people sustain spending their effort to earn monetary rewards and there is no other purpose for working. In this notion , I firmly believed that people have more motivation rather than the financial gain in their professional lives , and these following paragraphs will elucidate it.

First and foremost , it is irrefutable that money holds a crucial role in society that decides your condition and position in the world. Having said that , I believe that there are several purposes and desires that individuals are working for. Building and enriching their potential and knowledge is crucial when taking part in an institution , which assists people to enhance their personal skills during work , give them opportunities to figure out their strength and weakness , thus , they will gain responsibility and discipline on the daily basis. To explicate, trying hard day by day will make individuals cherish their efforts , looking for promotions and greater desire in their lives. A prominent example is the greatest leader of Vietnam , Ho Chi Minh, who proved his responsibility and discipline , working effortfully to contribute for the country without financial rewards.

On top of that, apart from the psychological perspectives, the spiritual factors also play a significant role. Spiritual needs encompass the search for meaning , purpose , and value in life , which can be found and applicable to a company and workforce. For instance , in the global , every region has the radiant volunteers , who sacrifice their effort by their selflessness and dedication without monetary rewards for helping the less fortunate , the main reason of this case is the moral of the life.

In conclusion , I believe that people working hard are not only for financial and position , it is looking for their desires and reach their culminate potentials during the period they have spent in their lives throughout lessons , failures , and triumphs based on the above-mentioned arguments .

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the contemporary world, there are growing concerns between individuals that people sustain spending their effort to earn monetary rewards and there is no other purpose for working." -> "In contemporary society, there is a growing concern among individuals that people are solely motivated by financial rewards and lack other purposes for working."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and improves the flow by using more precise and formal language.
"In this notion, I firmly believed that" -> "In this view, I firmly believe that"
Explanation: "In this notion" is incorrect as "notion" typically refers to an idea or concept, not a perspective. "In this view" is the correct phrase for expressing a personal perspective.
"people have more motivation rather than the financial gain" -> "people are motivated by more than just financial gain"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, emphasizing that motivation goes beyond financial gain.
"First and foremost" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "First and foremost" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Firstly" is a more formal and concise alternative.
"money holds a crucial role in society that decides your condition and position in the world" -> "money plays a crucial role in society, determining one’s condition and position in the world"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the sentence structure.
"Having said that, I believe" -> "However,"
Explanation: "Having said that" is informal and conversational. "However," is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing.
"Building and enriching their potential and knowledge is crucial" -> "Building and enriching their potential and knowledge is essential"
Explanation: "Crucial" is slightly informal and can be replaced with "essential" for a more formal tone.
"give them opportunities to figure out their strength and weakness" -> "provide them with opportunities to identify their strengths and weaknesses"
Explanation: "Figure out" is informal and vague. "Identify" is more precise and formal, and "strengths and weaknesses" should be plural to match the plural subject.
"looking for promotions and greater desire in their lives" -> "seeking promotions and greater aspirations in their lives"
Explanation: "Looking for" is informal and vague. "Seeking" is more precise and formal, and "aspirations" is a more academic term than "desire."
"the greatest leader of Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh" -> "the greatest leader of Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh"
Explanation: The comma after "Vietnam" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. Removing it corrects the punctuation.
"working effortfully" -> "working diligently"
Explanation: "Effortfully" is not a standard term. "Diligently" is a more commonly used and accepted adjective in formal writing.
"apart from the psychological perspectives" -> "beyond the psychological perspectives"
Explanation: "Apart from" is less formal and slightly awkward in this context. "Beyond" is more precise and formal.
"the spiritual factors also play a significant role" -> "spiritual factors also play a significant role"
Explanation: The phrase "the" before "spiritual factors" is unnecessary and redundant.
"the main reason of this case is the moral of the life" -> "the primary reason for this is the moral of life"
Explanation: "The main reason of this case" is grammatically incorrect. "The primary reason for this" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"it is looking for their desires and reach their culminate potentials" -> "it is seeking their desires and reaching their ultimate potential"
Explanation: "Looking for" is informal and "culminate" is not the correct term here. "Seeking" and "ultimate potential" are more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that money is the sole motivator for hard work. The introduction states the author’s position and outlines the reasons that will be discussed. The body paragraphs provide examples and explanations that support the idea that individuals work for personal growth and spiritual fulfillment, in addition to financial gain. However, while the essay does touch on the idea of financial motivation, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could briefly outline the counterargument in the introduction and then refute it in the body paragraphs. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and allow for a more balanced discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that people work for reasons beyond financial gain. The author consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, particularly in the body paragraphs where they discuss personal development and spiritual needs. However, the phrasing in some areas, such as "I firmly believed," is slightly awkward and could lead to confusion about the author’s certainty in their position.
- How to improve: The author should ensure that the language used reflects confidence in their position. For example, changing "I firmly believed" to "I firmly believe" would clarify that the author is expressing a current opinion. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in the conclusion could further solidify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as personal growth and spiritual fulfillment, and provides examples to support these claims. The reference to Ho Chi Minh is a strong example of someone who worked for reasons beyond financial reward. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough; some points, like the discussion on spiritual needs, are introduced but not fully elaborated upon.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the author should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, elaborating on how personal development can lead to better job performance or satisfaction would strengthen the argument. Including more varied examples could also enhance the essay’s persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons people work hard beyond financial gain. However, there are moments where the connection to the main argument could be clearer, particularly in the discussion of spiritual needs. The phrase "the moral of the life" is vague and could detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the main argument. Clarifying vague phrases and ensuring that each example ties back to the central thesis will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, the author could use topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly indicate how each point relates to the overall argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, there are areas for improvement in addressing counterarguments, elaborating on ideas, and ensuring clarity and focus throughout. By refining these aspects, the author can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that money is the sole motivator for hard work. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position. However, the organization of ideas within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the role of money and personal development but lacks a clear transition to the second paragraph, which shifts focus to spiritual factors. This can disrupt the logical flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") can help guide the reader through the argument and connect ideas more fluidly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph is somewhat lengthy and covers multiple points without clear separation, making it harder for the reader to follow. The second paragraph introduces a new idea but does not adequately link back to the previous paragraph’s theme.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea. Consider breaking down the first paragraph into two: one focusing on the role of money and the other on personal development. This will allow for a more focused discussion and clearer connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes its main point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "on top of that," and "for instance." These help to connect ideas and provide examples. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the transition between discussing personal development and spiritual factors feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover" to add information, "However" to present a counterargument, or "Consequently" to show results. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity and flow, making sure that the connections between sentences and ideas are explicit.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "monetary rewards," "potential," "responsibility," and "selflessness." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "working" and "effort" in close proximity. Additionally, phrases like "growing concerns between individuals" could be expressed more clearly with alternatives like "growing concerns among individuals."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "working hard," alternatives like "putting in effort," "laboring diligently," or "striving" could be used. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could also aid in expanding lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the greatest leader of Vietnam" could be more accurately described as "a prominent leader" to avoid implying that he is the only significant leader. Additionally, the term "moral of the life" is awkward and imprecise; it would be better expressed as "moral values" or "life’s moral lessons."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reading more academic texts can help in understanding how to use vocabulary accurately. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also assist in finding the most appropriate words for specific contexts.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "effortfully" (which is not commonly used; "diligently" would be more appropriate), "culminate" (should be "culminating"), and "the global" (which should be "globally"). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Familiarizing oneself with the correct forms of words through consistent writing practice will also help reduce spelling errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex structures such as “which assists people to enhance their personal skills during work” showcases an ability to convey detailed ideas. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and run-on sentences, such as in the sentence “the main reason of this case is the moral of the life,” which could be more clearly articulated. The essay also relies heavily on certain structures, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, starting sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., “Although financial gain is important, many people find fulfillment in their work”) could enhance the complexity and flow of the writing. Additionally, varying the length of sentences and using more transitional phrases could improve coherence and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase “there are growing concerns between individuals” should be “among individuals,” as “between” is typically used for two entities. Punctuation errors, such as the inconsistent spacing before commas (e.g., “In the contemporary world , there are…” should be “In the contemporary world, there are…”), also affect the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in “the moral of the life,” which should simply be “the moral of life.”
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common grammatical rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the proper use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on specific grammatical structures can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring consistent formatting can significantly improve the overall presentation of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, there are growing concerns among individuals that people sustain their efforts solely to earn monetary rewards and that there is no other purpose for working. In this view, I firmly believe that people are motivated by more than just financial gain in their professional lives, and the following paragraphs will elucidate this.

First and foremost, it is irrefutable that money plays a crucial role in society, determining one’s condition and position in the world. Having said that, I believe that there are several purposes and desires for which individuals work. Building and enriching their potential and knowledge is essential when participating in an institution, which assists people in enhancing their personal skills during work and provides them with opportunities to identify their strengths and weaknesses. Thus, they will gain responsibility and discipline on a daily basis. To explicate, working hard day by day will make individuals cherish their efforts, seeking promotions and greater aspirations in their lives. A prominent example is the greatest leader of Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh, who proved his responsibility and discipline by working diligently to contribute to the country without financial rewards.

On top of that, apart from the psychological perspectives, spiritual factors also play a significant role. Spiritual needs encompass the search for meaning, purpose, and value in life, which can be found and applied within a company and workforce. For instance, globally, every region has radiant volunteers who sacrifice their efforts through selflessness and dedication without monetary rewards to help the less fortunate. The primary reason for this is the moral of life.

In conclusion, I believe that people work hard not only for financial gain and position but also to seek their desires and reach their ultimate potential during the time they spend in their lives, learning from lessons, failures, and triumphs based on the above-mentioned arguments.