The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations.
Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In the comtemporary era, when almost everyone uses Internet daily for different purposes, it is clearly seen that private information must be provided by users in order to verify the identities, and they are most likely held by large organizations. I believe that there are some limitations. However, i also think the advantages outweigh the opposite.
On the one hand, having personal information held by someone other than the owner may drive to insecurity in some internet users due to the lack of privacy and the possibilities of being stolen or leaked by hackers and intruders. Moreoever, it is probably difficult to minimize and prevent all the online unlawful actions, as the trace could not be easily detected, let alone catching those deliquents when they are anonymous. For instance, Iphone 6 is one of the most secured phones and safest software, but eventually, a hacker succeeded in breaking through the security and fire walls. Thus, it can be seen that no private online information is completely safe, as every intruders could always find a hole of the security system.
On the other hand, despite the problems, which are caused by storing personal information online, it is undeniable that getting enormous incorporations and companies to hold privacy brings a certain benefits as well. To examplify, forming a reliable profile with personal information on the internet helps people be more likely to become influencers, which is a job for content creators, so the way of providing personal information to online organization indirectly increases the credit from other users' perspectives, and eventually pave another way for a new type of jobs. Futhermore, the authoritative companies also take responsibilities to do the best for the protection of users' information due to many congestions in different nations which require incorporations to provide safety for people. Otherwise, it would be a chaos if everyone's privacy can be easily intruded by hackers, resulting in the collapse of creditabilities which are built by companies. Therefore, it is necessary to believe the protections for privacy provided by organizations because of the current efforts to limit illegal intrusion so that they could be an authoritative private information holder. In addition, personal information could help the companies verify the identities of people, so it is easier to recommend appropirate kinds of entertainment, leading to the futher satisfactions when utilizing their services.
In conclusion, although private information can be leaked the possibility is low and the companies could be credited ,and the advantages they bought completely outweigh the drawbacks in general.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the comtemporary era" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "comtemporary" to "contemporary" ensures the proper use of the word, which is essential for maintaining the academic tone of the essay.
"almost everyone uses Internet daily" -> "almost everyone uses the Internet daily"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "Internet" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"it is clearly seen that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: Replacing "it is clearly seen that" with "it is evident that" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with formal academic language, avoiding redundancy.
"i also think" -> "I also think"
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization of "I" is necessary for proper grammatical structure and formality in academic writing.
"having personal information held by someone other than the owner may drive to insecurity" -> "having personal information held by someone other than the owner may lead to insecurity"
Explanation: Replacing "drive to" with "lead to" corrects the preposition usage, improving the grammatical accuracy and clarity of the sentence.
"Moreoever" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "Moreoever" to "Moreover" maintains the professionalism and correctness of the text.
"deliquents" -> "delinquents"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "deliquents" to "delinquents" ensures the proper use of the word, which is crucial for maintaining credibility in academic writing.
"Iphone 6" -> "iPhone 6"
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization of "iPhone" aligns with the standard branding and style guidelines for Apple products, enhancing the professionalism of the essay.
"safest software" -> "most secure software"
Explanation: Replacing "safest" with "most secure" uses more precise and formal language appropriate for academic discourse.
"every intruders" -> "every intruder"
Explanation: Correcting the plural form "intruders" to the singular "intruder" matches the singular context of the sentence, improving grammatical accuracy.
"To examplify" -> "To exemplify"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "examplify" to "exemplify" ensures the proper use of the word, which is essential for maintaining the credibility of the essay.
"pave another way for a new type of jobs" -> "pave the way for new types of jobs"
Explanation: Revising the phrase to "pave the way for new types of jobs" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity, aligning with formal academic style.
"Futhermore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "Futhermore" to "Furthermore" maintains the professionalism and correctness of the text.
"congestions" -> "concerns"
Explanation: Replacing "congestions" with "concerns" corrects the misuse of the word, which is not appropriate in this context, and uses a more accurate term for expressing issues or worries.
"creditabilities" -> "credibilities"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "creditabilities" to "credibilities" ensures the proper use of the word, which is crucial for maintaining the academic tone.
"appropirate" -> "appropriate"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "appropirate" to "appropriate" ensures the correct use of the word, enhancing the professionalism and accuracy of the essay.
"further satisfactions" -> "further satisfaction"
Explanation: Changing "satisfactions" to "satisfaction" corrects the grammatical error, aligning with the singular context of the sentence, which refers to a single outcome or benefit.

These corrections and improvements enhance the clarity, precision, and formality of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of large internet companies holding personal information, which is essential for a balanced response to the prompt. The first paragraph outlines concerns regarding privacy and security, while the second paragraph discusses the benefits of such practices, including job creation and improved services. However, the essay could be clearer in explicitly stating the advantages and disadvantages in a more structured manner, which would help in directly answering the question.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly delineate the advantages and disadvantages in separate paragraphs, possibly using topic sentences that directly reference the prompt. This structure would help ensure that each part of the question is addressed comprehensively and would improve overall clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but this stance is somewhat muddled by the phrasing and the way the arguments are presented. For instance, the phrase "I believe that there are some limitations. However, I also think the advantages outweigh the opposite" could be more assertively stated. The conclusion reiterates the position but lacks a strong, definitive statement that reinforces the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for a more assertive and consistent tone throughout the essay. This can be achieved by clearly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion and ensuring that each paragraph reinforces this stance with strong topic sentences and concluding statements.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the risks of data breaches and the benefits of personal information for job creation and service enhancement. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For example, the discussion on how personal information helps in job creation could be expanded with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the use of examples, like the iPhone 6, is relevant but could be better integrated into the argument about security.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. This could involve elaborating on how personal information can lead to job opportunities or discussing specific measures companies take to protect user data. Including a wider range of examples would also help to substantiate claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of personal information being held by large organizations. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of security breaches, which could be more directly tied back to the advantages and disadvantages outlined in the prompt. The phrase "resulting in the collapse of creditabilities which are built by companies" could be seen as slightly off-topic, as it introduces a new idea that isn’t fully explored.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the advantages and disadvantages of holding personal information. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the prompt throughout the essay and ensuring that each argument clearly ties back to the central question.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from clearer structure, more developed ideas, and a more assertive presentation of the writer’s position.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by stating the issue and the writer’s stance. However, the transition between the points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the disadvantages to the advantages lacks a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to signal shifts in focus. For example, phrases like "Conversely," or "On the other hand," can help clarify the relationship between contrasting ideas. Additionally, summarizing the main point of each paragraph at the end can reinforce the logical progression of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each one focusing on a distinct idea. The first paragraph discusses the disadvantages of personal information being held by large organizations, while the second addresses the advantages. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For instance, the second paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more clearly delineated into separate points, which would enhance readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. If a paragraph contains multiple ideas, consider breaking it into two paragraphs to maintain clarity and focus. For example, the discussion about the benefits of personal information could be split into one paragraph discussing the role of personal information in job opportunities and another focusing on the security measures taken by companies.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help to contrast ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be more explicit. For example, the use of "therefore" and "furthermore" is appropriate, but the essay could benefit from additional linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "in addition," "moreover," "consequently," and "however" to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, consider employing pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain cohesion without repetitive language. For example, instead of repeatedly using "companies," you might use "these organizations" or "such entities" to create smoother transitions.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some effective word choices, such as "insecurity," "leaked," and "authoritative." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the phrase "personal information" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical range.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "personal information," alternatives like "private data," "user details," or "sensitive information" could be employed. Additionally, expanding the vocabulary related to the topic, such as terms like "data protection," "cybersecurity," or "digital privacy," would enhance the essay’s lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable instances of imprecise usage. For example, the term "drive to insecurity" is awkward and unclear; a more precise phrase would be "lead to insecurity." Additionally, "delinquents" is typically used to refer to young offenders, which may not be the best choice in the context of hackers.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should review word choices and ensure they accurately convey the intended meaning. Using a thesaurus can help find more suitable alternatives. For example, replacing "drive to insecurity" with "contribute to insecurity" and using "cybercriminals" instead of "delinquents" would improve clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "comtemporary" (should be "contemporary"), "Moreoever" (should be "Moreover"), "Iphone" (should be "iPhone"), "deliquents" (should be "delinquents"), "examplify" (should be "exemplify"), "Futhermore" (should be "Furthermore"), "appropirate" (should be "appropriate"), and "futther" (should be "further"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools, and proofreading their work carefully before submission. Reading extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with commonly misspelled words. Additionally, creating a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There are simple sentences, such as "I believe that there are some limitations," and more complex structures, like "the way of providing personal information to online organization indirectly increases the credit from other users’ perspectives." However, the overall variety is limited, and some sentences are overly long or convoluted, which can hinder clarity. For example, the sentence "Thus, it can be seen that no private online information is completely safe, as every intruders could always find a hole of the security system" is awkwardly phrased and could be simplified for better readability.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can also enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can improve comprehension. Additionally, using relative clauses or participial phrases can add complexity without sacrificing clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "comtemporary" should be "contemporary," and "i" should be capitalized to "I." The phrase "drive to insecurity" is awkward and should be "lead to insecurity." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas that could clarify the meaning of sentences, for example, before "which are caused by storing personal information online." Furthermore, the use of "delinquents" is incorrect in context; "delinquents" typically refers to young offenders, while "intruders" or "hackers" would be more appropriate here.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage, which can be emulated in the writer’s own work.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument and structure, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, when almost everyone uses the Internet daily for different purposes, it is clearly seen that private information must be provided by users in order to verify their identities, and this information is most likely held by large organizations. I believe that there are some limitations. However, I also think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, having personal information held by someone other than the owner may lead to insecurity in some Internet users due to the lack of privacy and the possibilities of being stolen or leaked by hackers and intruders. Moreover, it is probably difficult to minimize and prevent all online unlawful actions, as the traces could not be easily detected, let alone catching those delinquents when they are anonymous. For instance, the iPhone 6 is one of the most secure phones with the safest software, but eventually, a hacker succeeded in breaking through the security and firewalls. Thus, it can be seen that no private online information is completely safe, as every intruder could always find a hole in the security system.

On the other hand, despite the problems caused by storing personal information online, it is undeniable that having large corporations and companies hold this information brings certain benefits as well. To exemplify, forming a reliable profile with personal information on the Internet helps people become more likely to become influencers, which is a job for content creators. Therefore, providing personal information to online organizations indirectly increases credibility from other users’ perspectives and eventually paves the way for new types of jobs. Furthermore, authoritative companies also take responsibility to do their best for the protection of users’ information due to many regulations in different nations that require corporations to provide safety for people. Otherwise, it would be chaos if everyone’s privacy could be easily intruded upon by hackers, resulting in the collapse of the credibilities built by companies. Therefore, it is necessary to trust the protections for privacy provided by organizations because of their current efforts to limit illegal intrusion, so they can be authoritative holders of private information. In addition, personal information could help companies verify the identities of people, making it easier to recommend appropriate kinds of entertainment, leading to further satisfaction when utilizing their services.

In conclusion, although private information can be leaked, the possibility is low, and the companies could be credited. The advantages they bring completely outweigh the drawbacks in general.