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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Advantage or disadvantage?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Advantage or disadvantage?

It is a fact that …The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations….. Some people believe that ……storing that information… has many advantages. However, others think that it could also have some negative effects. In my opinion, its cons could never overshadow its pros. Discussed below are several benefits as well as drawbacks of this issue.

On the one hand, people should recognize that there are many advantages of …. the holding of personal information by large internet organizations… A very important point to consider is that finding information will be much more convenient and time-saving. A compelling reason is that those large organizations can provide necessary information that people need. One such example of this is that when a user uses shopee and stores personal information there, shopee will rely on their search history to offer products that suit the user's needs, from which the user will have many choices..

On the other hand, ………the holding of personal information by large internet organizations…….. also brings a host of drawbacks. The primary reason is that user privacy may be violated. One way of explaining this is that People with bad intentions can get private information by stealing or buying it and then use that information to do bad things. This can be shown by example that many Facebook users have had their accounts stolen and hackers have used those accounts to commit fraud, such as texting to borrow money from others.

In conclusion, the above mentioned facts have outlined the benefits as well as the drawbacks of this issue. its disadvantages should be taken into account. People should take advantage of the pros and minimize the cons of this issue.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is a fact that" -> "It is evident that"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is a fact that" with "It is evident that" adds a touch of formality and certainty to the statement, aligning it with academic style.

  2. "storing that information" -> "the storage of that information"
    Explanation: Changing "storing that information" to "the storage of that information" provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the academic tone.

  3. "its cons could never overshadow its pros" -> "the drawbacks could hardly outweigh the benefits"
    Explanation: Substituting "its cons could never overshadow its pros" with "the drawbacks could hardly outweigh the benefits" maintains the idea while employing a more nuanced and academically appropriate phrasing.

  4. "On the one hand, people should recognize that" -> "On one hand, it is essential to acknowledge that"
    Explanation: Simplifying "On the one hand, people should recognize that" to "On one hand, it is essential to acknowledge that" maintains formality and clarity while eliminating unnecessary wording.

  5. "finding information will be much more convenient and time-saving" -> "accessing information will be more convenient and time-efficient"
    Explanation: Adjusting "finding information will be much more convenient and time-saving" to "accessing information will be more convenient and time-efficient" refines the expression, making it more succinct and academically appropriate.

  6. "One such example of this is that" -> "An illustrative example is"
    Explanation: Replacing "One such example of this is that" with "An illustrative example is" streamlines the sentence and reinforces a more academic tone.

  7. "shopee" -> "an e-commerce platform"
    Explanation: Replacing "shopee" with "an e-commerce platform" provides a more general and formal term, suitable for academic writing.

  8. "On the other hand, … also brings a host of drawbacks" -> "Conversely, … also entails a myriad of drawbacks"
    Explanation: Substituting "On the other hand, … also brings a host of drawbacks" with "Conversely, … also entails a myriad of drawbacks" enhances the formal expression while maintaining the contrast between the two perspectives.

  9. "user privacy may be violated" -> "user privacy may be compromised"
    Explanation: Changing "user privacy may be violated" to "user privacy may be compromised" introduces a more neutral and formal term, aligning with academic language.

  10. "This can be shown by example" -> "This is exemplified by"
    Explanation: Replacing "This can be shown by example" with "This is exemplified by" provides a more concise and formal way to introduce an example.

  11. "In conclusion, the above mentioned facts have outlined the benefits as well as the drawbacks of this issue. its disadvantages should be taken into account." -> "In conclusion, the aforementioned points have delineated both the advantages and disadvantages of this issue. Due consideration should be given to its drawbacks."
    Explanation: Rewording "In conclusion, the above mentioned facts have outlined the benefits as well as the drawbacks of this issue. its disadvantages should be taken into account." to "In conclusion, the aforementioned points have delineated both the advantages and disadvantages of this issue. Due consideration should be given to its drawbacks." improves clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of large internet companies holding personal information. The essay provides examples, such as the convenience of finding information and the potential violation of user privacy. However, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis for each part. For instance, the discussion on advantages and disadvantages could be more nuanced and explore additional facets.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, delve deeper into the advantages and disadvantages. Provide more varied examples and explore the implications of these aspects. Consider addressing potential counterarguments to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the disadvantages of holding personal information could never outweigh the advantages. The position is consistently supported through examples and reasoning.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and conclusion. This can reinforce the reader’s understanding of the writer’s viewpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both the advantages and disadvantages of holding personal information. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat basic. For instance, the discussion on user privacy violations could benefit from more depth and exploration of specific instances.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each idea by providing more detailed examples and expanding on the implications. Consider incorporating evidence or real-life cases to add credibility and depth to the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of large internet companies holding personal information. However, there are instances where the examples provided are somewhat tangential, such as the reference to Shopee’s search history feature.
    • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, ensure that examples directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages of holding personal information. Avoid introducing details that may divert attention from the main topic.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, explicit statement of the position, development of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic. Incorporating these improvements can elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and the author’s stance, followed by balanced paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there are instances where the flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, creating a more seamless progression.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the shifts in focus. For example, phrases like "On the contrary," or "Contrastingly," can be employed to signal transitions and improve overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure can be refined. While there is a clear separation between the introduction, body, and conclusion, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas. For instance, the paragraph discussing advantages could be divided into two to enhance clarity and focus.
    • How to improve: Aim for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, focusing on one main idea. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to ensure each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand") and pronouns ("it," "this issue"), contributing to coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices. More diverse linking words and phrases could be employed to create a richer connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), adverbs (e.g., "consequently," "moreover"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in the logical organization, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While the writer uses some varied expressions such as "finding information will be much more convenient and time-saving" and "compelling reason," there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further. The essay tends to rely on repetitive phrases, like "the holding of personal information by large internet organizations," which may affect the overall richness of language.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "large internet organizations," explore phrases like "major online entities" or "prominent web corporations." Additionally, introduce more specific and varied vocabulary related to the advantages and disadvantages discussed in the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is adequate but could be refined for greater clarity. For example, the phrase "finding information will be much more convenient and time-saving" could benefit from more precise terms. What kind of information? How is it convenient? Providing specific details would add depth to the argument. On the positive side, the essay does attempt to illustrate points with examples, but some of the language used lacks precision, impacting the overall clarity of ideas.
    • How to improve: Strive for more specificity in word choice. Instead of generic terms like "information," specify the type of information, such as "product details" or "user preferences." Consider using vivid and exact language to convey the nuances of the advantages and disadvantages. This will strengthen the impact of your arguments and make the essay more compelling.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where spelling errors, such as "shopee" instead of "Shopee," are present. While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they can affect the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Proofreading is crucial for identifying and correcting spelling errors. Pay close attention to proper nouns, such as the names of companies like Shopee, to ensure accurate spelling. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, consider reviewing and editing your essay with a focus on spelling accuracy before final submission.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and some effective use of subordinate clauses. For instance, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences in presenting arguments. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further, perhaps by incorporating more complex sentence structures and varying sentence lengths for a more dynamic flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses or inversion. Vary sentence lengths to create a more engaging rhythm and flow. For instance, experiment with combining shorter sentences to form more complex ones and vice versa.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy with a few instances of minor errors. For example, there are instances where sentence structures could be refined for smoother expression. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few instances where clarity could be improved through better placement of commas. Additionally, there is a need for consistency in maintaining parallelism in certain sentence constructions.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence structures, ensuring clarity and precision. Consider revising sentences for smoother expression and maintaining parallelism in constructions for a more polished effect. Review the use of commas to ensure they are appropriately placed for clarity. Aim for consistency in grammatical structures throughout the essay to enhance overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that the personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. On one hand, the storage of that information is believed to bring about numerous advantages, although others argue that the drawbacks could hardly outweigh the benefits. In my opinion, striking a balance between these perspectives is crucial. Discussed below are several benefits as well as drawbacks of this issue.

On the positive side, it is essential to acknowledge that the holding of personal information by large internet organizations can make accessing information more convenient and time-efficient. A compelling reason is that these organizations can provide necessary information that people need. An illustrative example is when a user utilizes an e-commerce platform like Shopee and stores personal information. Shopee leverages the user’s search history to offer products that align with their needs, providing them with a variety of choices.

Conversely, the holding of personal information by large internet organizations also entails a myriad of drawbacks. The primary concern is that user privacy may be compromised. This is exemplified by the fact that individuals with malicious intentions can obtain private information through theft or purchase, using it for nefarious purposes. An example of this is the frequent occurrence of Facebook users having their accounts stolen, with hackers exploiting these accounts to commit fraud, such as soliciting money from others.

In conclusion, the aforementioned points have delineated both the advantages and disadvantages of this issue. Due consideration should be given to its drawbacks, emphasizing the importance of safeguarding user privacy. Striking a balance between reaping the benefits and minimizing the potential harms is essential in navigating this complex landscape.

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