The pie chart below shows information about where coffee is produced, consumed and where its profit goes in 2009.

The first pie chart illustrates the percentage of coffee produced in 5 continents, while the second chart depicts how much of it has been used in different places in 2009. The third chart gives the proportion of the interest of coffee in terms of sellers, explorers, manufacturer, and delivery men.
On the whole, the figure for manufactured coffee in South Africa was the highest, whilst the share of Europe in consuming fields was largest. Additionally, delivery units got the biggest number regarding interest.
The number of coffee made by South Africa ranked at the first, with around 44%, followed by Africa, Asia and Central America with 19%, 18%, and 17% respectively. In the consuming chart, the figure for Europe comprised 55%, exceeding that of North America and Japan, with respective figures being 11% and 7%.
Regarding profits, 55% was the contribution of the transportation sectors, compared to about 25% of salespeople. The coffee interest of discoverers and manufacturers was the same, accounting for 10%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"The figure for manufactured coffee" -> "The proportion of coffee manufactured"
Explanation: "Figure" typically refers to a numerical value or a diagram, while "proportion" better describes the share or percentage of something, enhancing clarity in this context.
"whilst" -> "while"
Explanation: "Whilst" is a formal term but may sound archaic or overly formal in some contexts. "While" is more commonly used in contemporary English.
"consuming fields" -> "consumption"
Explanation: "Consuming fields" is an awkward phrase. "Consumption" succinctly conveys the idea of how much coffee is consumed in different regions.
"got the biggest number regarding interest" -> "had the highest level of interest"
Explanation: "Got" is informal and lacks precision. "Had the highest level of interest" provides a clearer and more formal description of the situation.
"The number of coffee made" -> "The amount of coffee produced"
Explanation: "The number of coffee made" is grammatically incorrect. "Amount" is more appropriate when referring to quantities of substances like coffee.
"ranked at the first" -> "ranked first"
Explanation: "Ranked at the first" is awkward phrasing. "Ranked first" is a clearer and more concise way to express this idea.
"comprised 55%" -> "accounted for 55%"
Explanation: "Comprised" is used incorrectly here. "Accounted for" is the appropriate term to indicate the percentage of something within a whole.
"salespeople" -> "sales personnel"
Explanation: "Salespeople" is less formal than "sales personnel" and may not encompass all individuals involved in sales.
"the coffee interest" -> "the interest in coffee"
Explanation: "Coffee interest" is an awkward phrase. Rearranging to "interest in coffee" maintains clarity and proper word order.
"was the same, accounting for" -> "each accounted for"
Explanation: "Was the same, accounting for" is redundant. "Each accounted for" is more concise and avoids repetition.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

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Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by describing the content of the three pie charts. It provides some overview of the main trends in coffee production, consumption, and profit distribution, but lacks clarity and detail in several areas.
How to improve: Provide a clearer and more organized overview of the data presented in the charts. Ensure that all key features and bullet points are adequately covered. Focus on presenting the information accurately and concisely, avoiding irrelevant details and inaccuracies. Also, pay attention to the coherence and structure of the essay to enhance clarity and readability.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay presents information in a relatively coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from discussing coffee production to consumption and then profit distribution. The introduction effectively outlines the main topics covered in the essay. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data presented in the charts, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences, such as awkward phrasing or lack of smooth transitions. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices, while present, could be more varied and refined to enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Paragraphing is generally used, but there are instances where it could be improved for better logical organization.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, pay closer attention to the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and logical. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, to connect ideas more effectively. Additionally, review paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. The writer attempts to describe the pie charts and their contents, but the vocabulary used lacks diversity and sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "explorers" instead of "explorers" or "discovery units," and "consuming fields" instead of "consumption sectors." Additionally, there are spelling errors, such as "interest" instead of "interests." The essay lacks fluency and precision in conveying the information, and the vocabulary choices are repetitive.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary to convey information more precisely and fluently. They should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more specific terms related to the topic of coffee production, consumption, and profit distribution. Proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring correct word usage and collocation would also enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay. Additionally, practicing writing tasks with varied topics and employing a broader range of vocabulary would contribute to overall improvement in lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as incorrect verb forms ("the figure for Europe comprised 55%") and awkward phrasing ("the figure for manufactured coffee in South Africa was the highest"). These errors occasionally affect the clarity of communication, particularly in sentences where the intended meaning may be unclear due to grammatical inaccuracies.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using more varied sentence structures with greater accuracy. This includes ensuring correct verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and sentence cohesion. Additionally, careful proofreading to identify and correct grammatical errors will enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data outlines the global production, consumption, and distribution of coffee in 2009, as depicted in three pie charts. Firstly, the initial chart delineates the production distribution across five continents, while the subsequent chart illustrates consumption patterns. Finally, the third chart details the allocation of profits among different sectors involved in the coffee industry.

Overall, South Africa emerges as the primary producer of coffee, accounting for the largest share at approximately 44%. Following this, Africa, Asia, and Central America contribute 19%, 18%, and 17% respectively to global production.

Turning to consumption, Europe stands out as the leading consumer with a significant share of 55%, surpassing both North America and Japan, which stand at 11% and 7% respectively.

In terms of profit distribution, transportation sectors claim the largest share at 55%, while salespeople contribute approximately 25%. Meanwhile, both discoverers and manufacturers each account for 10% of the overall profits.

In summary, South Africa leads in coffee production, Europe dominates consumption, and transportation sectors capture the majority of profits in the coffee industry in 2009.