The pie chart demonstrates the proportions of choices between work and study of graduates from a specific university, and the table indicates their perks after five years working.

The pie chart demonstrates the proportions of choices between work and study of graduates from a specific university, and the table indicates their perks after five years working.
Generally, most students graduating from the anthropology course decide to work full time. In addition, after a five-year period of working in their major, only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries.
Regarding the decisions of students after graduating, over a half of them choose to do a full-time job, much higher than the percentages of part-time workers and the unemployed, with only 15% and 12%, respectively. Meanwhile, full-time postgraduates account for 8%, compared to 5% of the students balancing between part-time work and further study. Only 8% of students is not known about their destinations after finishing their courses.
Turning to the salaries that postgraduates receive after working for five years, freelance consultants and the government sector witness a huge number of their anthropologists earn over 75000 dollars, at 80% each. These two types of employment also have the same percentages of workers receiving from 25,000 to 49999 and from 50000 to 74999 dollars, at 5% and 15%, respectively for each occupation. In contrast, 90% of staff in private companies earn over 50,000 after five years’ work and only 10% earn less than that level of salaries.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie chart demonstrates the proportions of choices between work and study of graduates" -> "The pie chart illustrates the distribution of graduates’ choices between work and study"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise verb for academic writing than "demonstrates," and "distribution" is more specific than "proportions of choices," which sounds vague and informal.
"perks after five years working" -> "benefits after five years of employment"
Explanation: "Benefits" is a more formal term than "perks," and "employment" is more precise than "working" in this context.
"most students graduating from the anthropology course decide to work full time" -> "the majority of students graduating from the anthropology program opt for full-time employment"
Explanation: "The majority" is a more precise quantifier than "most," and "opt for" is more formal than "decide to." Additionally, "program" is more appropriate than "course" in academic contexts.
"only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries" -> "only a limited number of students receive the lowest salaries"
Explanation: "Limited" is more precise than "small number," and removing "level of" improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"over a half of them choose to do a full-time job" -> "more than half choose to pursue full-time employment"
Explanation: "More than half" is grammatically correct and more formal than "over a half." "Pursue" is a more academic term than "choose to do."
"much higher than the percentages of part-time workers and the unemployed" -> "significantly higher than the percentages of part-time workers and those unemployed"
Explanation: "Significantly" is more precise and formal than "much," and "those unemployed" is more formal than "the unemployed."
"full-time postgraduates account for 8%" -> "full-time postgraduates comprise 8%"
Explanation: "Comprise" is more formal and precise than "account for" in this context.
"Only 8% of students is not known about their destinations" -> "Only 8% of students are unaware of their post-graduation destinations"
Explanation: "Are unaware of" is more formal and precise than "is not known about," and "post-graduation destinations" clarifies the context.
"Turning to the salaries that postgraduates receive after working for five years" -> "Regarding the salaries received by postgraduates after five years of employment"
Explanation: "Regarding" is more formal than "Turning to," and "received by" is more precise than "receive."
"a huge number of their anthropologists earn over 75000 dollars" -> "a significant number of anthropologists in these sectors earn over $75,000"
Explanation: "Significant" is more appropriate than "huge" in formal writing, and specifying "anthropologists in these sectors" clarifies the context.
"have the same percentages of workers receiving from 25,000 to 49999 and from 50000 to 74999 dollars" -> "have similar percentages of workers earning between $25,000 and $49,999 and between $50,000 and $74,999"
Explanation: Using dollar signs and specifying the ranges with "between" improves clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the information presented in the pie chart and table. The essay presents information appropriately selected, but there are some inaccuracies and irrelevant details. For example, the essay states that "only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries" after five years of working, but this is not supported by the table. The essay also includes irrelevant details, such as the fact that "only 8% of students is not known about their destinations after finishing their courses."

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the key features of the data and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information and avoiding generalizations. For example, instead of saying that "only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries," the essay could state that "5% of freelance consultants and government sector workers earn between $25,000 and $49,999 after five years of working."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:

The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. The structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
Cohesive devices are used effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, the transition between discussing the pie chart and the table could be smoother.
The essay uses paragraphing, but not always logically. Some paragraphs could be better organized to enhance clarity and flow.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Avoid mechanical use of cohesive devices.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically progresses from one idea to the next. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability.
Clear Referencing: Use referencing more clearly and appropriately to avoid ambiguity and repetition. This will help in maintaining the flow of information and making the essay more coherent.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It uses some less common vocabulary, such as "freelance consultants" and "anthropologists," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "is not known about their destinations" which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are some errors in word formation, such as "much higher than the percentages of part-time workers," which could be rephrased for clarity. While the essay communicates the main ideas effectively, the occasional inaccuracies and awkward expressions prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. They should also aim to minimize awkward phrasing and ensure that less common lexical items are used correctly. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can enhance the overall fluency and flexibility of vocabulary. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors can help to eliminate inaccuracies that may impede communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While the author attempts to convey information clearly, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the overall clarity. For instance, phrases like "only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries" could be more precisely articulated. Additionally, the use of "is not known about their destinations" is grammatically incorrect and should be rephrased for accuracy. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors present do occasionally hinder understanding.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and refining sentence structures. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences with correct punctuation will also help. Practicing the use of varied grammatical structures and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will contribute to a more polished and professional essay. Furthermore, clarity can be improved by avoiding vague expressions and ensuring that all statements are precise and well-supported by data.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie chart demonstrates the proportions of choices between work and study of graduates from a specific university, and the table indicates their salaries after five years of working.

Generally, most students graduating from the anthropology course decide to work full-time. In addition, after a five-year period of working in their major, only a small number of students receive the lowest level of salaries.

Regarding the decisions of students after graduating, over half of them choose to take a full-time job, which is significantly higher than the percentages of part-time workers and the unemployed, at only 15% and 12%, respectively. Meanwhile, full-time postgraduates account for 8%, compared to 5% of students who balance part-time work with further study. Additionally, 8% of students are unknown regarding their destinations after finishing their courses.

Turning to the salaries that postgraduates receive after working for five years, freelance consultants and those in the government sector see a substantial number of their anthropologists earning over $75,000, at 80% each. These two types of employment also have the same percentages of workers earning between $25,000 and $49,999 and between $50,000 and $74,999, at 5% and 15%, respectively, for each occupation. In contrast, 90% of staff in private companies earn over $50,000 after five years of work, while only 10% earn below that salary level.