The pie charts below show the age groups of the users on different social media platforms in Australia in 2011

This chart compares the differences of the usages social media platform (Fb, Twitter, …) five different in Australia from 2011 to 2013.
Overall as we can see over the period presented, Australian used Facebook like a primary social media platform while Pinterest did not popular to Australian.
By 2011, the percentage of people using Facebook platform accounted for the highest proportion, approximately three-fifths. The figures for twitter platform and linkedln platform were 21% and 10% respectively. Amount of Australian used google platform equal to the figures for Pinterest, at about 5%.
After a year, the percentage of the Facebook usages decreased significantly, only approximately a half of total, and in 2013, the figures dropped to 38%. Twitter and linkedln were used more popular, increased to 25% and 15% respectively after two years. Similar changes, but to a more extent, can be seen the percentage of Australian used google increased three times in 2013 at about 14%. The figure for Pinterest usages grew modestly to 8%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the differences of the usages social media platform" -> "the differences in the usage of social media platforms"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The corrected version improves the grammatical structure and clarity, making it more appropriate for academic writing.
"Fb, Twitter,… five different" -> "Facebook, Twitter, and others"
Explanation: "Fb" is an informal abbreviation for Facebook, and "five different" is vague and imprecise. Using "Facebook, Twitter, and others" clarifies the list and maintains a formal tone.
"Australian used Facebook like a primary social media platform" -> "Australians used Facebook as their primary social media platform"
Explanation: The verb tense and subject-verb agreement are corrected to reflect the plural subject "Australians" and the correct verb form "used."
"did not popular to Australian" -> "was not popular among Australians"
Explanation: "Did not popular to" is grammatically incorrect. The corrected phrase "was not popular among Australians" corrects the verb tense and adds the necessary preposition "among" for proper expression.
"the percentage of people using Facebook platform" -> "the proportion of users of the Facebook platform"
Explanation: "Proportion" is a more precise term than "percentage" in this context, and "users of the Facebook platform" is a more formal way to refer to those who use the platform.
"Amount of Australian used google platform" -> "The number of Australians using the Google platform"
Explanation: "Amount" is incorrectly used here; "number" is the correct term. Also, "used google platform" is grammatically incorrect; "using the Google platform" corrects this.
"only approximately a half of total" -> "only approximately half of the total"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "total" clarifies the reference and improves readability.
"similar changes, but to a more extent" -> "similar changes, but to a greater extent"
Explanation: "To a more extent" is grammatically incorrect; "to a greater extent" is the correct phrase.
"the percentage of Australian used google" -> "the proportion of Australians using Google"
Explanation: Similar corrections as above: "proportion" for precision, "using" for correct verb form, and capitalizing "Google" for proper noun usage.
"increased three times in 2013 at about 14%" -> "increased by a factor of three to approximately 14%"
Explanation: "Increased three times" is vague and informal; "increased by a factor of three" is more precise and formal. Additionally, "to approximately 14%" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"The figure for Pinterest usages grew modestly to 8%" -> "The usage of Pinterest modestly increased to 8%"
Explanation: "The figure for Pinterest usages" is awkward; "The usage of Pinterest" is more direct and formal, and "modestly increased" is a more natural expression than "grew modestly."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. There is no data to support the description. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay should present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also provide more specific details to support the description. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of people using Facebook decreased by approximately 20% between 2011 and 2013. The essay could also state that the percentage of people using Google+ increased by approximately 9% between 2011 and 2013. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "like a primary social media platform" and "did not popular to Australian." The essay should also avoid using vague language, such as "similar changes, but to a more extent." The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar, such as "Amount of Australian used google platform equal to the figures for Pinterest."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the usage of different social media platforms, the ideas are not clearly sequenced, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the relationships between ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay lacks distinct sections that clearly separate different points.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information and ensuring a clear progression of ideas. Using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly will help connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the main idea of each paragraph will contribute to a more organized essay. Lastly, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will further strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information regarding social media usage, the vocabulary used is repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the usages social media platform" instead of "the usage of social media platforms," and incorrect forms like "linkedln" instead of "LinkedIn." Additionally, there are several grammatical issues and awkward phrasing that may cause some difficulty for the reader, such as "did not popular to Australian" which should be "was not popular among Australians." These errors indicate limited control over word formation and spelling.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and expressions, particularly less common lexical items. They should also focus on improving grammatical accuracy and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Incorporating synonyms and varying sentence structures can help convey precise meanings more effectively. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would significantly improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack accuracy and clarity. Frequent grammatical errors, such as "the usages social media platform" and "did not popular to Australian," hinder communication and may confuse the reader. Punctuation errors are also present, which further detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Variety of Sentence Structures: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
Accuracy in Grammar: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct preposition use (e.g., "popular among Australians" instead of "popular to Australian").
Punctuation: Review punctuation rules to ensure clarity and coherence in writing.
Proofreading: Take time to revise the essay for any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

This chart compares the differences in the usage of various social media platforms (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) among five different age groups in Australia from 2011 to 2013.

Overall, as we can see over the period presented, Australians primarily used Facebook as their main social media platform, while Pinterest was not popular among Australians.

By 2011, the percentage of people using Facebook accounted for the highest proportion, approximately three-fifths. The figures for Twitter and LinkedIn were 21% and 10% respectively. The number of Australians using Google was equal to the figures for Pinterest, at about 5%.

After a year, the percentage of Facebook users decreased significantly, dropping to approximately half of the total, and in 2013, the figure fell to 38%. Twitter and LinkedIn became more popular, increasing to 25% and 15% respectively after two years. Similar changes, but to a greater extent, can be seen in the percentage of Australians using Google, which increased threefold in 2013 to about 14%. The figure for Pinterest usage grew modestly to 8%.