The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
The pie chart compares the proportion of retail sectors that provide online sale in New Zealand in two different years, in 2003 and in 2013.
Overall, there are the ranking replacement among sectors, which affected to all of them. Although travel's percentage was in the first place, it had been changed as film and music in another year. The similar pattern was observed in the figures between books and clothes.
To specify, the number of people searching for travel sales on Internet accounted for 36%, which stood on the first placement in the total. However, its figures was lower than the previous year, slightly declining at 29% in 2013. Consequently, film or music sectors had increased significantly in the same year at 33%, while it comprised one to fifth in the chart last 10 years.
Regarding books sectors, 19% was the percentage of online bookings for its sale and it was the lowest money-making factor contributed to the economy of New Zealand in 2003. 10 years later, the amount of books shopping online climbed to 22%. Although taking the second position in the statistic, the online sales of clothes was pushed down to the final place in the latter year, when its data shorter than the former year around 10%.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The pie chart compares the proportion of retail sectors that provide online sale" -> "The pie chart illustrates the proportion of retail sectors that offer online sales"
Explanation: Replacing "compares" with "illustrates" provides a more precise verb that is commonly used in academic contexts to describe the presentation of data, such as charts and graphs. Additionally, "provide online sale" is awkward and vague; "offer online sales" is more natural and precise. -
"there are the ranking replacement among sectors, which affected to all of them" -> "there was a shift in rankings among sectors, which affected all of them"
Explanation: "There are the ranking replacement" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "There was a shift in rankings" is grammatically correct and clearly communicates the change in ranking positions. "Affected to all of them" is awkward and incorrect; "affected all of them" is the correct form. -
"it had been changed as film and music in another year" -> "it shifted to film and music in the following year"
Explanation: "It had been changed as" is incorrect and unclear. "It shifted to" is a more precise and natural way to describe a change in ranking. "Another year" is vague; "the following year" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context. -
"the figures between books and clothes" -> "the figures for books and clothing"
Explanation: "The figures between" is incorrect; "the figures for" is the correct preposition to use when discussing data related to specific categories. "Clothes" is informal; "clothing" is the more formal term. -
"the number of people searching for travel sales on Internet" -> "the number of individuals searching for travel sales online"
Explanation: "On Internet" is informal and redundant; "online" is more concise and appropriate for formal writing. "People" is informal; "individuals" is more formal. -
"its figures was lower than the previous year" -> "its figures were lower than those of the previous year"
Explanation: "Its figures was" is grammatically incorrect; "its figures were" corrects the verb agreement. Adding "those of" clarifies that the comparison is with the previous year’s figures. -
"Consequently, film or music sectors had increased significantly" -> "Consequently, the film and music sectors had increased significantly"
Explanation: "Film or music sectors" is grammatically awkward; "the film and music sectors" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"it comprised one to fifth in the chart last 10 years" -> "it comprised one-fifth of the total in the chart over the past 10 years"
Explanation: "One to fifth" is incorrect; "one-fifth" is the correct form. "Last 10 years" is informal; "over the past 10 years" is more formal and precise. -
"Regarding books sectors" -> "Regarding the book sector"
Explanation: "Book sectors" is incorrect; "book sector" is the correct singular form when referring to a single category. -
"the lowest money-making factor contributed to the economy of New Zealand" -> "the lowest contributor to the economy of New Zealand"
Explanation: "Money-making factor" is awkward and unclear; "contributor" is a more precise and formal term. -
"the amount of books shopping online climbed to 22%" -> "the amount of online book sales increased to 22%"
Explanation: "Books shopping online" is incorrect; "online book sales" is the correct phrase. "Climbed" is informal; "increased" is more appropriate for academic writing. -
"the online sales of clothes was pushed down to the final place" -> "online clothing sales fell to the lowest position"
Explanation: "Was pushed down" is informal and vague; "fell to the lowest position" is more precise and formal.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task. The essay provides an overview of the main trends in online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends. The essay also presents some key features/bullet points, but these are not fully extended.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in online sales. The essay could also be improved by providing more detailed information about the key features/bullet points. For example, the essay could provide more information about the reasons for the changes in online sales for each sector. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the number of people searching for travel sales on Internet accounted for 36%", the essay could say "travel sales accounted for 36% of online sales in 2003".
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the data from 2003 and 2013, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the comparisons being made. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, with some ideas not being fully developed or connected.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay with distinct paragraphs that each address a single main idea. Using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly will help to improve the flow of information. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are logically sequenced will contribute to a more coherent overall response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the pie charts, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the percentage of online bookings" and "the lowest money-making factor." There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the ranking replacement among sectors" and "the amount of books shopping online," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity, such as "its figures was lower" instead of "its figures were lower." Overall, while the essay communicates the main ideas, the lexical resource is limited and lacks the sophistication required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accurate word choice and collocation. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and clarity in expression will improve overall communication. Reading more academic texts and practicing writing with a focus on vocabulary usage can also be beneficial.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences; however, these attempts often result in inaccuracies. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as "the ranking replacement among sectors, which affected to all of them" and "its figures was lower," which detract from the overall clarity of the writing. While the meaning is generally understandable, the errors can cause some difficulty for the reader, aligning with the characteristics of Band 5.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures used. This can be done by practicing complex sentence formation and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Additionally, proofreading for common errors in grammar and punctuation would enhance clarity and coherence. Using a wider variety of linking words and phrases could also help improve the overall flow of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The pie chart compares the proportion of retail sectors that provide online sales in New Zealand in two different years, 2003 and 2013.
Overall, there was a ranking change among the sectors, which affected all of them. Although the percentage for travel was in first place, it changed in the following year with film and music taking the lead. A similar pattern was observed in the figures for books and clothes.
Specifically, the number of people searching for travel sales online accounted for 36%, which placed it at the top in 2003. However, this figure was lower than the previous year, slightly declining to 29% in 2013. Consequently, the film and music sectors experienced significant growth in the same year at 33%, while they comprised one-fifth of the chart in the previous decade.
Regarding the book sector, 19% represented the percentage of online sales, making it the lowest revenue-generating category in New Zealand’s economy in 2003. Ten years later, the amount of online book shopping climbed to 22%. Although it held the second position in the statistics, the online sales of clothes dropped to the last place in the latter year, with its figures falling by around 10% compared to the previous year.
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